Ned is a cowboy (rogue) undertaker who is a chancer. These are some scenes I have written regarding him. A lot of them are just visual ideas. It is disjointed but any feedback on how to develop or improve it is greatly appreciated. Thanks.
1.
EXT. FUNERAL PARLOUR.
NED TRIES TO START HIS HEARSE BUT IT WON'T START.
NED: Damn this coffin carrying jalopy, I've a funeral in an hour... I'll make a few calls.
FADE
CUT TO NED TURNING UP AT A HOME WITH MOURNERS OUTSIDE IN AN ICE CREAM VAN WITH A COFFIN STICKING OUT OF IT.
NED: Sorry, Mrs Smithers, bloody hearse wouldn't start... care for a ninety-nine?
2.
EXT. STREET.
NED IS DRIVING HIS HEARSE WITH HIS UNDERSTUDY CECIL IN THE FRONT SEAT.
CECIL: Fogey alert, starboard!
NED PRESSES THE HORN AND IT EMITS A SHIP FOGHORN SOUND. A LADY PENSIONER ON THE PAVEMENT FAINTS. NED DRIVES ON AND PULLS UP AND PARKS FURTHER ON UP THE STREET.
CUT TO NED LOOKING THROUGH BINOCULARS AT THE PENSIONER.
CECIL: Well, well. Is she dead yet?
NED: Yes, yes... No, she's come round.
CUT TO WOMAN BEING FANNED WITH A TEA TOWEL.
NED: Ah well, some you win, some you lose.
3.
INT. FUNERAL HOME.
NED: Cyril, what time is it?
CYRIL LIFTS UP ARM OF CORPSE THAT HAS A WATCH ON THE WRIST.
CYRIL: Half three Ned... shit, what's that burning smell? Ned! Ned! There's a fire in the funeral parlour.
NED: Holy shite, bundle these stiffs into the hearse and pronto.
CYRIL: Who's pronto Ned?
NED: What? Get to it you slow-brained gimp.
NED AND CYRIL BUNDLE THE CORPSES INTO THE HEARSE WITHOUT COFFINS.
FADE
CUT TO NED AND CYRIL IN A LIVING ROOM SITTING BESIDE CORPSES AND WATCHING COUNTDOWN ON TELLY.
NED'S WIFE COMES HOME AND SHRIEKS ON ENTERING THE LIVING ROOM. SHE THEN GOES TO THE TOILET.
CUT TO NED'S WIFE IN THE TOILET. SHE SEES ANOTHER CORPSE SITTING ON THE TOILET. SHE SHRIEKS AGAIN.
NED'S WIFE: You can't even get a shite in your own house with all these dead bastards about the place.
4.
EXT. STREET.
NED IS DRIVING HEARSE (ON HIS OWN THIS TIME). HE SEES A FAT MAN AND STOPS TO OFFER HIM A LIFT.
NED: Bill, where you heading sir?
BILL: Ah Ned, I'm going to the chemists. A good soul you are indeed.
NED IS DRIVING WHEN HE LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW AND SEES A SIGN OUTSIDE A CAFE THAT READS 'FRYS - TWO FOR THE PRICE OF ONE'.
NED: Jaysus! You can get two fries for the price of one at Sally's cafe.
BILL: I'm as broke as an unemployed tramp Ned.
NED: Here's a tenner Bill, I'll even drop you at the doorstep.
NED STOPS AT CAFE AND BILL WALKS IN.
FADE
CUT TO AMBULANCE PULLING UP AT CAFE AND STRETCHER AND PARAMEDICS GOING IN. NED IS AGAIN WATCHING THE SCENE THROUGH BINOCULARS AND LAUGHING.
THE PARAMEDICS TAKE OUT THE STRETCHER WHICH HAS A BLANKET COMPLETELY COVERING A FAT MAN.
NED: That's the best tenner I ever spent.
5.
EXT. STREET.
NED IS AGAIN OUT DRIVING WHEN THEY SEE A CROWD OF PEOPLE GATHERED ROUND A MAN ON THE STREET. NED STOPS AND PUTS ON A DOCTOR'S WHITE COAT AND STETHOSCOPE.
NED: Best get this poor sod into an ambulance, I've one around the corner.
NED GATHERS UP THE CONCUSSED MAN AND TAKES HIM ROUND THE CORNER, THROWING HIM INTO A COFFIN AND THEN DRIVES OFF.
AS NED IS DRIVING THERE IS A THUMP FROM THE COFFIN.
NED: Stop that bloody racket, or you'll be dead sooner than what you think.