Plums!

CHRIS
Hello Madam My name is Chris from Plums Plumbing I understand you have a leak.

The woman invites him in.

WOMAN
Yes I do!

CHRIS
Where is the leak Madam

Woman grabs a leek from the vegetable rack Heres one. (Busts out laughing )
Chris looks shocked for a second then gives an uncomfortable laugh in retort.

WOMAN
No Chris (woman is very close and starts adjusting his collars) I do have a leak that requires your services though. Please follow me.

Woman leads the way up the stairs wiggling her arse and looking over her shoulder every now & then.

WOMAN
In here Chris

Chris stands in the middle of the womans bedroom looking a little uncomfortable.

Woman lies on her bed. Nightie hanging open, legs all akimbo.

Woman
It is right over here Chrissy

CHRIS
Er?

WOMAN
Here between these two legs. A terrible leak, come look

CHRIS
Ummm Madam I am a married man (Adjusts his collar)

WOMAN
Awww! Come on, (Pouting)

Chris looks out of the window fidgeting looking almost terrified.

CHRIS
Oh look a Blue Vulva I mean Volvo has pulled up

WOMAN
(Chuckles) Forget that! Hadn’t you better fiddle around down here for a bit.

CHRIS
Ummm! Oh looks like my phone is vibrating, could be impotent I mean important.

WOMAN
Forget that! I need attention Chrissy! Come here (Gestures with her finger)

CHRIS
Madam! I simply can not go rooking through a womans innards.. . You need a gynaecologist. We are not insured for Vaginas. (coughs awkwardly)

WOMAN
Awwwww come on, pleeeease (walks over and kneels before him)

CHRIS
No Madam I simply can not. I am a happily married man.

WOMAN
Well just cork it with something then. (Woman winks) To stop the leak of course. I don’t want any back flow contamination, if you know what I mean. (big grin). Before a trickle turns into a gush.

CHRIS
Madam I am not going to use anything to stem your gash I mean Gush.

WOMAN
Ok fine! (gets off the bed in a mood) I was only testing you anyway

CHRIS
Madam really there is no need to be offended. I am flattered but just declining. (Coughs) Erm! The call out charge Madam. It is £40

Cut to

Woman on the Phone to Plums Plumbers.

RECEPTIONIST
Good afternoon Plumbs plumbers Angie speaking.

WOMAN
Hi Angie it’s me.

RECEPTIONIST
OMG!! Tell me he fell for it & ravished your brains out.

WOMAN
Sorry Ange, The plan did not work. He would'nt go for it.

RECEPTIONIST
Shit! Bollox! How am I gonna get my Divorce now

WOMAN
Sorry Hun. That is one loyal husband you have there.

RECEPTIONIST
The Wanker! Friggin Frigid Arse. Right I am going to have to go to Plan B then!

WOMAN
What’s Plan B

RECEPTIONIST
I am gonna kill the faithfull Bastard.

Another laugh out loud one Charley

The characters are really well drawn and I felt awkward on behalf of poor Chris bless him (lol).

Great ending too.

I liked the last scene with the actual punchline in, it upgraded the sketch from one that was just based on innuendo which i think can only go so far. The twist is good, maybe need to get there quicker though, although if done right the awkwardness of the first scene would be good.

To be honest, I was a little disappointed by the punchline, but rather enjoyed the build up.

Maybe she could say, "I'm going to squash his plums, the faithful bastard!"

This was great, Charley, but I echo Tom in that it needed to get there a touch quicker because the entendres won't sustain it much longer. But saying that look at bleedin' Viz.

Why don't you think about filming some? I think if this was filmed right, it would really be a strong sketch - less words, more expressions and uncomfortableness on the behalf of the plumber, which is admittedly hard to portray in the written form. Although Leevil highlights that a more funny image to end with would be needed to end a vid.

Glad to see you're still pumping them out.

Thanks for the comments peeps.
I know I know, I have a hard time ending sketches. I rush the end.I was told that way back at school. Charlene does well when she thinks but when it comes to finishing something she sprints to the finishline without a thought. LOL.words to that effect are written all over my report cards)That and something hurtfull like, Charlene has to be the class clown, they may laugh with her at the moment but if she doesnt buck up her ideas they will be laughing at her later.LOL. True but harsh.

I would love to have a go at filming, however Me not know how!!!
I have a camcorder and I know a few actors (including me) but Blimey. I would cock it up for sure. You should see my holiday videos. Fook me. I cant hold the thing still.

Ooooh! Had to edit to say I liked that ending Leevil. See why could I have not used my brain cell instead of rush rush Salman Rushdie.

I thought actually you could have stretched it out a bit more.

And maybe the ending could be tidied up a bit. I'm notsure how at the moment though.

I thought this was great. Really, really good.

I would have preferred it to be shorter/snappier but that's just me.

I'm not sure you need all the swearing at the end either... and one line from the receptionist, cursing her husband would have been plenty... although I guess that's going with 'shorter/snappier' again.

I thought the last line was very funny... I laughed out loud.

Nice one charley. Some seriously prolific output you have there. And no, that's not a euphemism...

I agree with what most people are saying. It could have been a bit shorter and the end could have been reached a bit sooner. I would leave the end as it is though. I think the final line is great!