A sketch from a couple of weeks back.
MILES: Twitter flame wars seem to be all the rage at the moment. Occasionally they involve erudite and witty celebrities such as Stephen Fry who squeeze devastatingly pithy put-downs into their 140 characters but more often than not these flame wars involve the sort of celebrity who would need to find six friends with no socks on to help them even count to 140. The most recent Twitter war to hit the news had one of each - Victoria Coren, with her properly punctuated, grammatically correct and perfectly justified Tweets about Michael Winner. And, obviously, Michael Winner, with his badly spelled, juvenile and...well... to be honest, perfectly justified comments about how nice Victoria Coren's breasts are. Miss Coren thought that a 14-year old boy had hacked into Winner's Twitter account but it turns out that Winner actually is that puerile. But what is this Twittering craze all about? I'm joined by self-proclaimed 'Twitter Expert' Cecilia Renault-Espace to give us an insight into celebrity Twittering. Cecilia, hello.
CECILIA: @Miles Jupp. Hello! Hash-tag Great to be here. (ANNOYING LAUGH)
MILES: So in case I don't....I mean, in case our listeners don't know, what is Twitter?
CECILIA: It's a micro-blogging tool which allows you to instantly tell the whole internet anything that happens to pop into your head.
MILES: Sounds dangerous. I often have thoughts which could damage the posh-but-still-accessible façade I like to project. Such as, "Oooh, I just fancy a pop tart," or, "Hmmm...perhaps Clarkson has a point there."
CECILIA: Exactly. And that's why unguarded Tweets sometimes get people into trouble. It's a bit like letting your internal monologue talk to your friends without getting your permission first.
MILES: So I think we can see how Twitter wars get started but here at Newsjack we pride ourselves on our up-to-date interactive style and in-depth investigative journalism. In that vein Cecilia has agreed to help me start my very own celebrity Twitter flame war. So how do we start?
CECILIA: I suppose it would be best to pick someone with an active Twitter presence and find something scathing to say about them.
MILES: Okay, so no messing about - I'll get right into the spirit of the thing and go straight for the jugular. No holds barred, no punches pulled. Here we go.
F/X: Tapping on a keyboard.
MILES: @Stephen Fry. I notice you have a slightly wonky nose. Did you break it or something when you were younger? Hash-tag 'what the hell does hash tag mean?' (BEAT) And send. That should cause some proper celebrity flame war scandal. Hardcore!
CECILIA: I'm not sure he's a good choice for a beginner to start a flame war with. He's a bit...
MILES: Too late, he's already been impaled with a classic piece of Jupp lampoonery.
CECILIA: Perhaps instead of a national treasure you should attack a more vapid, ubiquitous celebrity, one less able to destroy you with a well-turned phrase.
MILES: Oh, I know...
F/X: Tapping on a keyboard.
MILES: @Cheryl Cole. I didn't think your latest album was quite as good as the last one. Hash-tag 'quite sexy until she opens her mouth.' (BEAT) And send. Great. That should ruffle some feathers.
CECILIA: I'm not sure you're cut out for a celebrity flame war Miles. But I hope I've helped your listeners learn more about it all.
MILES: Hang on, I've just got a reply from Stephen Fry. Let's see how he's reacted to my pre-emptive opening salvo. "@Miles Jupp. Hi Miles, glad you've finally worked out how to use Twitter. How's the family?" Ouch! Vicious! Oh, and here's a reply from Cheryl Cole. (TERRIBLE GEORDIE ACCENT) "@Miles Jupp. Howay man pet. Fair point, like. Music is all a matter of taste divvn't you know? Hash-tag I even Tweet in Geordie, man missus." Oof! This is getting nasty, I'm not sure I can handle it - I think I'm starting to lose my bottle. We'll come back to that if my flame war hots up. Cecilia, thank you.
