Given how dreary and depressing EastEnders has become (or has always been) I thought it might be an idea for the people to take creative control. I'll start with a twist on a typical 'Enders trope.
int.queen vic - day
The bar is half full of unfeasibly wealthy market traders and casually dressed extras who have no lawful business getting drunk on a tuesday afternoon. SHIRONKAT a no nonsense, hard faced, east end tart wiv an art of gould is serving behind the bar. BILLY and SOPPY MARY enter.
SHIRONKAT
Allo love, ow was the scan?
SOPPY MARY bursts into tears and runs into the toilets
BILLY
Not good, Shironkat. They found some anolomalomanies
SHIRONKAT
What kind of anolamonieseses?
CUT TO
INT.Toilets - queen vic
SOPPY MARY is crying in front of the mirror. JANE enters.
JANE
Mary? What's wrong?
SOPPY MARY
It's the baby
JANE
The scan? What happened?
SOPPY MARY hands a scan picture to JANE and then turns back to the mirror crying again.
JANE
Oh, Mary!
SOPPY MARY
I don't know what I'm going to do, Jane. How are we supposed to raise an a three headed alien snake baby on Billys wages?
JANE
I thought he was flush this month?
SOPPY MARY
THat was last month. We can't start a new Christmas club til June and no-ones doing any collections this month.
JANE
DOes the father know?
SOPPY MARY
No. And he can't never find out!
TRYCLYDE the 3 headed snake from Super Mario Bros enters
TRYCLYDE
Find out what
CUT TO