hey all this has undergone a bit of a rewrite, any further suggestions are welcome, please enjoy
AP
INT. GATEHOUSE FRONT OFFICE [07.50]
ELWOOD, FABIO, LONNIE, WENNA, FRANCO, RUSSELL
INSIDE THE GATEHOUSE OF BANGERS WHISTLE HOLIDAY PARK ON A MID-MAY MONDAY MORNING. NIGHT SHIFT IS DRAWING TO A CLOSE. FORMER CRUISE SINGER ELWOOD DELGADO 32, EX-POLICEMAN LONNIE HUGHES 58, AND RELIEF DAY SHIFT, IN CIVVIES, EMLYN "FABIO" ROBERTS 64 ARE WHILING AWAY THE LAST FEW MINUTES, THE DESK IS STREWN WITH PAPERWORK.
FABIO
(Into phone)
No no Tommy, it's okay. El's staying, we'll cope.
(Slams down telephone receiver)
That flaming woman! Why he married her I'll never know!
ELWOOD
Love. Remember that Emlyn?
FABIO
Give over, nobody marries for love anymore, that went out with the
SNES.
LONNIE
Our Kenny had one of them, Fletch pissed all over it.
ELWOOD
Did you get that new dog guard yet?
FABIO
He got it alright, double barrel from that missus of his. It's in the snooker room round the back, with a new lead and collar.
LONNIE
It's six years since he bit her, she'll let me get another puppy one day.
FABIO
Not while she still has that parrot at home she won't.
ELWOOD
What dya do with the parrot when you go away?
LONNIE
Left him here in the jungle gym last winter, took 'em til half term to clean up his shit.
ELWOOD
Friggins was furious! Still not talking to you is she?
LONNIE
(Looking out the window)
She's coming over now, I'm goin'.
(Jumps into green 3 series BMW parked outside gatehouse and drives off centre at
speed)
EMLYN GOES INTO BACK AND WE HEAR A KETTLE BEGIN TO BOIL. WENNA FRIGGINS, 55, SITE MANAGER, SHORT DUMPY WOMAN, ENTERS THE GATEHOUSE.
WENNA
(Strong, cheerful, west country accent)
Mornin', alright my handsome?
ELWOOD
Smashing Miss Wenna, and you?
WENNA
Pretty as a picture Elwood, are you done?
ELWOOD
Not yet miss, I'm waiting for a parcel. I get my shopping sent here 'cause you get your post before me.
WENNA
Shopping? What for this time?
FABIO
More bloody film props I expect. A pair of ruby slippers turned up here last week, not even his size.
ELWOOD
It's a T-Bird leather jacket if you must know.
WENNA
(Winking)
Ah but, will we get to see you in it?
ELWOOD
Maybe.
WENNA
Emlyn, where's your uniform?
FABIO
It's only five to Wenna.
WENNA
That's Miss Wenna to you. It's about time you changed don't you think?
EMLYN GOES INTO BACK OFFICE AND WE HEAR HIM UNDO A ZIP.
FABIO (O.S.)
Bloody hell fire! She could eat a melon through a picket fence that one!
ELWOOD
What's up?
ELWOOD WALKS BACK INTO MAIN OFFICE SPORTING A WHITE LADIES BLOUSE WITH A REVEALING NECK LINE AND EMBROIDERED FLOWERS ON THE CHEST.
FABIO
This is!
ELWOOD
(Gok Wan impression)
It's all about the confidence!
FABIO
Hold your damn tongue, I'll rip your arm off an' hit you with the soggy end!
WENNA
Now now. Why don't you just cover it up with that sweater from lost property?
(Signs open book on desk, and points to overflowing box)
I'm going now, my taxis here.
WENNA LEAVES GATEHOUSE AND WALKS OFF CENTRE, JUMPING INTO A WAITING TAXI.
ELWOOD
(Hands Emlyn a black sweater)
Here you are, Heath brought this over last night.
FABIO
Hear that? Lost property! What type of boss wants you wearing lost property on the front desk?
ELWOOD
Same one that brings punch over at Christmas.
FABIO
Yeah well, that's different.
ELWOOD
Of course. You never really thought I was gonna wear those slippers did ya?
FABIO
(Awkwardly)
What? No well, sometimes you can be a bit, you know.
ELWOOD
I can can't I?
FABIO
This is the fourth time in the last fortnight he's been saddled with her kids.
ELWOOD
Keep a tally do ya?
FABIO
Well, somebodies got to. Little bird told me that cuts are coming and, if I can do the job of two, why have two in the first place?
ELWOOD
Is that right? Then I may have an idea.
FABIO
Yeah, go on.
ELWOOD
Well, the log, on days, says you're in and Tommy's in, that you're on lunch, then he's on lunch. That you've finished and so has he.
FABIO
Right?
ELWOOD
So, simple. You gotta make yourselves sound busy. Everything on this centre comes through that gate, walks right past you, so you gotta log it. Every phone call, radio call, every guest that comes in and goes out. You can't do it all on your own, you need help.
FABIO
You know, I think you're onto somethin'.
ELWOOD
Course I am. Franco wants to take on more night staff, and you two on the gate are swindling him out of his budget.
FABIO
Another newbie? You lot must look like the Repository Dogs!
ELWOOD
It's reservoir, and I'm Mr. Pink I suppose?
FABIO
What?
INTO THE GATEHOUSE WALKS FRANCO TUCCI 43, SECURITY MANAGER, LOOKS LIKE AN OLD SCHOOL HOLLYWOOD ACTOR WITH DARK HAIR, GREY AT THE TEMPLES AND DARK, OLIVE SKIN. HE IS DRESSED IN A LYCRA ALL IN ONE AND CARRYING A SPORTS BAG AND BOTTLE.
FRANCO
Buon Giorno.
ELWOOD
Aaaaay Franco.
THE PAIR EMBRACE AND SIMULATE KISSING EACH OTHERS CHEEKS.
FABIO
Pair of puffs.
FRANCO
Morning Emlyn, what the bloody hell is that you're wearing?
ELWOOD
It's out of lost property. The dry cleaners sent him home with a couple of blouses instead of his shirts.
FRANCO
Let's have a gander.
FABIO
Get stuffed. Anyway, look at the state of you.
(Looks at Franco's crotch)
Cold outside?
ELWOOD
He's got a good point, it's a bit early for lycra boss.
FRANCO
This is my sports garb, y'know for me lunges. If I do them at our place, our Jacqui won't let it go.
FABIO
She won't? The bitch. You look like Richard freaking Simmons!
ELWOOD
Tommy's gotta get the kids to school again.
FRANCO
You're jesting. I wanna take on, and my lads can't even get here. Wenna doesn't wanna part with any cash, she been in?
FABIO
Signed the book at five to.
FRANCO
Say owt?
ELWOOD
Nah, she's off centre now too, he should be in before she gets back.
FRANCO
I hope so, I'm interviewing in a bit. Dom Rimmer some young lad, works for his old man.
ELWOOD
Doing what?
FRANCO
Sommet to do with the slots, his dad owns half of Coronation Way.
ELWOOD
Not Billy Rimmer?
FRANCO
Dunno maybe, why?
ELWOOD
Fat bastard, could eat a pissy mattress that fellah.
FABIO
Well, there's plenty of them here.
(Scratching his chest)
God, this blouse aint half chafing me nipples.
ELWOOD
Stick it in the book.
FRANCO AND FABIO MAKE THEIR WAY INTO THE BACK OFFICE. RUSSELL THE POSTMAN 25, ENTERS THE GATEHOUSE AND TAKES A SEAT, THROWING HIS POST BAG DOWN AT HIS FEET.
RUSSELL
Salutations all. Is that the kettle I can here?
FABIO (O.S.)
What you drinking?
RUSSELL
I'll have a coffee, two sugars. Think I've got something 'ere for you El.
ELWOOD
Wicked, I've been looking forward to this.
FABIO (O.S.)
For crying out loud! Somebodies been at my coffee!
FRANCO (O.S.)
That'll be Lonnie, he was giving it Disco and Tombstone last night.
ELWOOD
I didn't see 'em.
FRANCO (O.S.)
You were on the cash drop.
EMLYN WALKS BACK INTO FRONT OFFICE SIPPING A MUG OF COFFEE AND HANDS RUSSELL A VERY FULL MUG OF COFFEE.
RUSSELL
Cheers big ears, sign this will ya.
EMLYN SIGNS PAPERWORK HANDED TO HIM BY RUSSELL, AND HANDS IT BACK.
ELWOOD
Are you logging this post in the book Em?
FABIO
Are you taking the piss?
ELWOOD
You had to be here to sign for it didn't you?
FABIO
Give us that pen!
RUSSELL
You've got him working then.
ELWOOD
Ay Russell. How dya get on with that bird, what's her name?
RUSSELL
Heather, she's only me ald Geography teacher. Kept calling her Miss Dewhurst.
ELWOOD
Seeing her again?
RUSSELL
Deffo, the lads from school wanna know if she ever got that mole removed.
ELWOOD
How dya meet?
RUSSELL
Personals. I'm not proud. I'm in bed by eight though, I don't get out as much as I'd like. So I left this message for the cheeky penguin.
ELWOOD
A blind date?
RUSSELL
I don't think I'd have gone otherwise, I never handed my industry coursework in.
CUT TO:
INT. GATEHOUSE BACK OFFICE [8.10]
FRANCO, ELWOOD, FABIO
A SMALL BOX ROOM CLEARLY AN OFFICE WITH AN UNKEMPT DESK, AND FILING CABINETS ALSO THERE ARE TINS OF PAINT ON TOP OF EACH OTHER, AND NUMEROUS FIRE EXTINGUISHERS. THERE IS NO WINDOW. FRANCO HAS FOUND LIMITED SPACE BEHIND HIS DESK AND IS ATTEMPTING SOME LUNGE TYPE EXERCISES.
FRANCO
So you know his ald fellah do ya?
ELWOOD
Maybe. Got two lads if I remember right.
FRANCO
Anything else?
ELWOOD
(Pulls leather jacket out of parcel and throws it on )
I think I met him once, at some ball, I was on the bill. He loved me Style Council set.
FRANCO
(Shouts in pain, and falls down)
Ah, my leg.
ELWOOD
Alright boss?
(Tries to get to him)
Shit, my foot!
(Crashes into a fire extinguisher, knocking it onto Franco)
FRANCO
You blundering get! You've broken me flaming ankle! Who's on first aid?
ELWOOD
Supposed to be Tommy.
FRANCO
Chrissakes! Emlyn get in here, bring the first aid bag with ya.
FABIO (O.S.)
Coming.
FRANCO
Get on the gate will ya!
ELWOOD
I finished ten minutes ago.
FRANCO
Then what the heck are you still doin' here, breaking my bloody foot, dressed up like Danny freaking Zuko?
FABIO (O.S.)
I won't be a sec boss, I'm just sticking this in the book.
FRANCO
Forget the book! My foots blown up like the doggone Hindenburg.
