Hi. This was my submission for last year's Sitcom Mission competition. It's slightly surreal and received the rejection treatment it undoubtably deserved. The funny thing is I came to detest this script and thought it hopeless. I re-read it today after almost a year and it made me laugh! Perhaps, as they say, it's never as bad as you fear, and never as good as you hope.
If anybody finds the time...
SCENE 1: TABLE AND TWO CHAIRS
A FEMALE TRAVEL AGENT IS TALKING TO A CUSTOMER (GRAHAM FONDLE) BOTH ARE SEATED
TA: This is your travel itinerary for your trip to Holland, Mr Fondle. I think you'll find everything in order.
GRAHAM: Oh dat is der groote goot! Mijn petit frau-tulip. .
TA: I beg your pardon?
GRAHAM: Oh I'm terribly sorry. (laughs gaily) I speak fluent Dutch - it just slipped out with all the excitement.
TA: Lucky you! speaking a foreign language. I doubt you'll need it, though. English is widely spoken throughout the Netherlands.
GRAHAM: Where?
TA: The Netherlands - where Holland is.
GRAHAM: Ah, I knew that of course. I speak Netherlands too!
GRAHAM: (cont) in fact, I'm quite a polyglob!
TA: Glot!
GRAHAM: Yup, that too. Speak it like a native. In fact, to date (looks at wrist watch) I have command of over seventeen languages. (looks confused - speaks to audience) Glot?
GRAHAM: (cont) Anyway, I've just a couple of questions. Can you drink the water over in the nethers, and Is there much malaria?
TA: As far as I'm aware, yes and no.
GRAHAM: That would be yah and nine. (gives a cavalier shake of the head)
TA: Yes, err, yah and nine. - I think you'll find most countries in the European union meet with our standards of cleanliness and comfort. There's always something that seems a little different, but that's the sort of thing that makes travel interesting, don't you think?. Have you visited Amsterdam often, Mr Fondle?
GRAHAM: Err - yah. Many groote times. Can't leave the place alone.
TA: Mmm me too, isn't it a wonderful city! Such diversity, so much history. Have you seen the Rijksmuseum?
GRAHAM: Well I didn't manage to fit that one in. I tend to go further North, nearer the trading estates. (pause) My friend Mrs Leatherbarrow, from the job centre, mentioned a good restaurant in Amsterdam, said it was her favourite.
TA: Oh really, which one was that, perhaps I'll know it!
GRAHAM: It's very avant garde, apparently. The Green Tulip.
TA: Can't say it rings any bells.
GRAHAM: Very Bohemian, not far from the railway station.
TA: Hmm, The Green Tulip...
GRAHAM: Close to the Latin quarter. Surrounded by canals and old, preserved trading barges.
TA: Nope, can't bring it to mind.
GRAHAM: Next door to C&A!
TA: Oh well, not to worry. Have you arranged an hotel for your stay in Amsterdam, Mr Fondle?
GRAHAM: I'm staying with a friend, Coco.
TA: Coco?
GRAHAM: Not as in the bed-time drink, but Coco as in the clown. Chanel more like. That's it! Coco Chanel - what a bird.
TA: (prim) Yes, well.
GRAHAM: I speak with her all the time - in Dutch, naturally.
TA: Naturally. Do you try out any Glot?
GRAHAM: When we're in the mood. (pause) Don't get me wrong but foreign women are so (pause) foreign. It's as if they come from another country. So stylish. They do exciting things with a plate of chips and things.
TA: Yes aren't they wonderful. Errm just a thought on currency, do you have travellers cheques? We can arrange them for you?
GRAHAM: I tend to rely on my platinum extra special credit card. I've never known these foreigners turn their noses up at solid British Post Office account before. Not in my experience at any rate.
TA: Yes, well... well if that's all I can do for you today Mr Fondle I hope you have a wonderful time in Holland, and please have a safe journey.
GRAHAM: Thank you and good day. Auf Wiedersehen!
I'll send a postcard or maybe a message. You do have a Telex machine?
TA: (waving) Liebfraumilch Mr Fondle.
SCENE 2: AN ARMCHAIR WITH A SMALL TABLE AT ITS SIDE. ON THE TABLE WE SEE A GOLDFISH BOWL, A PORTABLE RADIO/CASSETTE PLAYER AND A FLOWER ON A STEM.
GRAHAM ENTERS AND SPEAKS TO THE GOLDFISH
GRAHAM: Marigold! have you been a good girl today? Dumping in the corner like I showed you. (points finger to the side of the bowl) over here behind the submerged underwater gothic castle. Curling off in the sunken treasure chest, eh?
GRAHAM FLOURISHES HIS NEWLY AQUIRED TRAVEL DOCUMENTS
GRAHAM: Aha! Look what I've got. My mini weekend in Amsterdam and the delectable company of Coco. Come to me, Coco.
GRAHAM FLOUNCES INTO THE ARMCHAIR AND PICKS UP THE PORTABLE RADIO/CASSETTE PLAYER
GRAHAM: Oh Coco. (presses a button on the cassette tape player)
TAPE: Exercise five - Coco has gone to the railway station to meet her friend Bernard from Rotterdam. But first she must find out if the train is on time. She asks the porter if it has arrived.
COCO: Goode morgen, mineer. Is dit de train van Rotterdam?
TAPE: Now you reply to Coco's question.
GRAHAM: Yah, Coco. Dat is de trine van Rotterdam.
TAPE: And again.
GRAHAM: Yah, dit dat is de trine van dit-dat Rotterdam.
TAPE: Once more.
GRAHAM: (flustered) Yah, dit dat dit de dit dat trine dit dar dit dat from Rotterdam dot-dit. (shakes head) Christ almighty!
TAPE: Coco sees Bernard stepping onto the platform.
COCO: Coo-eee! Coo-eee Bernard!
GRAHAM: Coo-eee Coco. Dit is de dit-dat trine dit-dat-dot back from Rotterdam.
TAPE: Coco and Bernard embrace on the platform.
BERNARD: Hi Coco!
GRAHAM: Shove off Bernard. Bugger zee off back to Rotterdam.
GRAHAM HAS DUBBED HIS NAME ON THE TAPE. IT HAS AN EVIDENT MASCULINE TONE
COCO: Hi Graham (sound of kissing and smooching)
GRAHAM ELABORATELY MOUTHS TONGUE TYPE KISSES
COCO: (cont) Zulle we nar het museum gaat? Graham my sweet.
GRAHAM: Oh I don't think the museum is open on Mondays, Coco. Shall we back to your place go?
GRAHAM ELABORATELY MOUTHS MORE TONGUE TYPE KISSES.
COCO: Het museum is groote fun, en de art gallery is ook terrific.
GRAHAM: You look terrific too, Coco. But remember your promise - tape two exercise one? Dit-dat dit to your place go, eh?
TAPE: Coco says they could take the tram to the museum. But renting bicycles would be much more fun.
SFX: SOUND OF BICYCLE BELL - Dring-Dring.
BERNARD: Oh what fun these bicycles are, Coco. Let's go directly to the museum.
COCO: Wheeee! yes this is great fun.
SFX: Dring-Dring.
GRAHAM: On your bike! Bernard.
GRAHAM FIDDLES WITH THE TAPE PLAYER. WE HEAR THE TAPE FAST FORWARD.
SFX: ZIP-ZIP-ZIP
GRAHAM: Ah Coco. At last we are alone, mijn kleine rose petal.
SFX: THE SOUND OF AN ELEPHANT TRUMPETTING.
TAPE: Exercise nine. A visit to the zoo.
COCO: Wat une groote elephant!
GRAHAM: Yes a fine set of tusks, Coco. What say you we to the monkey house go? See what they're getting up to.
COCO: Groote idea! The monkeys are such fun. Let us to the monkey house go.
GRAHAM: Glad to see you're coming round to the idea, Coco.
TAPE: The monkeys are a playful lot. Can you count them? There seems to be four.
COCO: Een, twee, dree...
SFX: SOUND OF MONKEYS. EEEK-EEEK-EEEK!
COCO: (cont) It looks like they're talking to each other. They are kissing too.
GRAHAM: Yes. In any country. In any species. It is the language of love.
SFX: SCREECHING. EEEK! EEEK! EEEK!
COCO: (passionate) I've missed you so much Graham Can we go and see the reptiles? Have a poke at the python?
GRAHAM BEGINS TO SPEAK BUT IS INTERUPTED.
Dring-Dring
BERNARD: Coco! What fun the museum was - you should have been there.
COCO: Yes but the zoo is great fun too. Let's go and see all the animals and find out how to say their names.
BERNARD: That's a terrific idea. I'll bring my bike.
GRAHAM: Not on your Nelly Bernard. We've an appointment with a python.
SFX: ZIP-ZIP
TAPE: Exercise seven. Buying stamps at the post office.
GRAHAM: Nah
SFX: ZIP-ZIP
TAPE: Exercise twenty. A visit to a windmill.
GRAHAM: Nah
SFX: ZIP-ZIP
TAPE: Exercise fourteen. A candle lit dinner at La Bonne Auberge.
GRAHAM: That's more like it.
COCO: Oh Bernard, what a beautiful restaurant.
BERNARD: Yes it is, I like to come here whenever I visit Amsterdam. Seeing all those museums and art galleries always gives me a good appetite.
SFX: SOUND OF A SPANISH GUITAR
GRAHAM RISES FROM THE CHAIR AND PICKS UP A FRYING PAN WHICH HE HOLDS LIKE A GUITAR. HE PICKS UP THE ROSE STEM FROM THE TABLE AND CLENCHES IT BETWEEN HIS TEETH.
COCO: Look! Bernard, a gipsy playing a guitar, how romantic. Do you think he'll play for us?
BERNARD: He may be an illegal immigrant, Coco. Perhaps we should not encourage him.
SFX: SOUND OF STRUMMING GUITAR
COCO: (sweetly) Oh gipsy man, what is your name?
GRAHAM: My name ish Denish.
COCO: Denish?
GRAHAM: No, Denish. I come from Shpain. Would you like I play for you?
COCO: (swooning) Yesh pleesh.
SFX: SOUND OF GUITAR PLAYING.
GRAHAM STRUMS THE FRYING PAN AND PLACES THE ROSE STEM ON THE ARM OF THE CHAIR.
GRAHAM: It is a love shong (hastily) song - from my village.
BERNARD: I play the trumpet, myself.
GRAHAM: When I pluck my guitar I think of my sweetheart, so far away, tending the goats.
COCO: oooh
BERNARD: I have seen a lot of these people in our country, Coco. They are illegal. We say in Rotterdam, they have jumped over the dyke.
GRAHAM: I have not, as you say, the dyke jumped over. I am a professional musician here in Amsterdam.
BERNARD: I've not seen you here before!
GRAHAM: I play at the Green Tulip.
BERNARD: Ah! The Green Tulip! I thought so. That is not a restaurant, it is a haven for English tourists pretending to be European. They are the scum who drink our beer and piss in our streets. The Green Tulip cannot compare with La Bonne Auberge.
GRAHAM: (angry) Maybe not, but it's a lot handier for C&A!
GRAHAM: (cont) Coco, come with me to my village and help me tend my goats. Return with me to Basingstoke.
COCO: Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday - Fridag Zaterdag Zondag. Tomorrow we must take a boat trip on the canal and see all the tulips in the fields.
BERNARD: Oh that will be great fun. And then we can go and see some more museums and maybe have a coffee in my favourite pavement café. (pause) Dring-Dring - I brought my bike in.
GRAHAM RAISES THE FRYING PAN AND SMASHES IT DOWN ON THE TAPE PLAYER.
SFX: SMASH-SMASH-SMASH
ZIP-ZIP-ZIP
SMASH-SMASH-SMASH
ZIP-ZIP
SMASH
ZIP
GRAHAM: Take that! you slimy bastard. (pause) Huh! favourite pavement café, my foot. Mrs Leatherbarrow pissing in the street. Unbelievable.
SCENE 3: A TABLE AND TWO CHAIRS. SEATED ARE THE TRAVEL AGENT AND GRAHAM.
TA: Well this is very irregular, Mr Fondle, but we've managed to exchange your tickets to Amsterdam for a mini weekend in...
GRAHAM: (interrupting) That's very good of you. It's just that when you've seen one trading estate, you've seen them all.
TA: Well I do think there's more to Amsterdam than fork-lift trucks and articulated lorries. If you don't mind me saying.
GRAHAM: Yes, but it's all rather tourist-ee. Pseudo Europeans swilling gallons of lager, and old ladies urinating in the street.
TA: What?
GRAHAM: Travel should be an experience. A journey of enlightenment where a peoples customs and rituals combine to give life changing moments, provoking thought and consideration for our fellow man.
TA: I do see your point.
GRAHAM: To see the sun set over a distant mountain and the stars shine in an Arabian midnight sky. Just like in the brochures.
TA: Yup.
GRAHAM: I want to go where man has never trodden. Discover primitive communities and learn their ways of survival, share their hopes and dreams.
TA: Well here you are - your tickets for Aberystwyth.
GRAHAM: (alarmed) Just because this isn't some exotic destination like you have in your shop window, doesn't mean there won't be things to do. Who knows, I could end up doing a bit of corracle weaving. Spend a week in a new age commune, mushroom spotting and learning how to extend the life of a pair of underpants. Washing socks in a mountain stream.
TA: (proffering the tickets) I'm sure you'll have a wonderful time. And don't forget to keep in touch, I'm sure they'll have one of those Telex machine thingies in Aber-ger-wristwatch, or what ever it's called.
GRAHAM: (receiving the tickets) Ah! My mini weekend down a coal mine. Cheek and jowl with the men of Harlech. Sos-pan-bach! Boyos.
TA: You speak Welsh Mr Fondle?
GRAHAM: Naturally.
Ends