Skit Comp 1 - 8.3.11

Grate stuff so congratulations to DON P MUSEY and ISHY for winning! Get rat-anussed and PM me for next week's topic please.
Hence:
Votes - Points - Name

3 - 10 - Don P Musey, Ishy
2 - 5 - Kasm, James
1 - 1 - Shandonbelle, Otterfox
Special mention: Timbo, Michael Monkhouse

Your new subject: SICK
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sex or inside leg measurement, except the kid who used to beat me up at school.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 8.3.11

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

176! - Mr Sunshine
153 - Otterfox
143 - Cool Mikado
140 - Michael Monkhouse
132 - Nigel Kelly
130 - Kasm
112 - Jebsly
108 - Frankie Rage
104 - Timbo
103 - Charley Rance
98 - Fred Peters
80 - Angiebaby
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
60 - Gerry McDonnell
56 - Alex Mahon, Scratchyr
53 - Ishy
37 - Afinkawan
34 - Don P. Musey
32 - James, Swerytd, Paul Watson
28 - Leevil
26 - Bushbaby, David Chapman
25 - Craig H
23 - Roscoff
22 - Blobster
21 - Mikey J
20 - James Harris, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Nil Putters, Cinnamon, Dale
14 - Reg N
13 - Badge, Stephen Birch
12 - Geoff Mutton, Will Cam
11 - Steven
10 - Stephen Goodlad, Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - The Giggle-O, garyd, Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Tumble, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Andy W, losaavedra
03 - Shandonbelle
02 - Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - veedeeplex, Grem, Macca, Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Any ballsups, PM me please.

BILLY IS WATCHING TV

THE TV IS SHOWING THE INT. OF A HICKSVILLE SHACK SOMEWHERE IN THE USA.
THE SHACK'S WALL CLOCK READS 09.15

BO: Hey, Luke, what's that shit ya drinkin'?

LUKE: Hell, I'm chuggin' root beer, vodka, Tia Maria, crème de menthe an' tomato juice, Bo'

BO: Bloody Mary?

LUKE: Nah. Pubic hair of the dog, Bo. Great for getting' ridda' the taste of last night's twat.

BO: Recommend it, eh?

LUKE VOMITS: Nope,

DAISY - RECENTLY PREGNANT: I feel kinda woozy, boys.

BO: I told you to stay off the hard stuff, Daisy.

DAISY: Yeah, I know, but the good ol'boy, deputy Enos's "hard stuff" was too good to turn down... DAISY VOMITS

LUKE, BETWEEN NAUSEOUS GRUNTS: I gotta bone to pick with that asshole.

DAISY, RETCHING: Gaah... uurg,,, He grmph... don't do... aauuuk... guys, Luke.

BO: Chrissakes, quit that honkin' Daisy. Ya makin' me feel sick.

LUKE: Me too. Fraaaab gluubb ... HE VOMITS OVER BO'S GRITS.

BO TURNS GREENISH AND THROWS UP ON DAISY'S LAP.

DAISY RETURNS THE FAVOUR.

A FEMALE VOICE INTERRUPTS THE TV's DIALOGUE:
What's that rubbish you're watching, Billy?

BILLY: It's an old re-run, mum. I think it's The Pukes of Hazzard.

A BUS

A MAN IS SITTING NEAR THE FRONT TALKING LOUDLY ON HIS MOBILE PHONE

AN ELDERLY COUPLE GET ON THE BUS AND SIT IN THE SEAT BEHIND HIM

MAN
So you got em spread nice n wide honey?

COUPLE EXCHANGE GLANCES

MAN
I need em wider than that honey... and moist.. not too wet... but just enough to ease it in.

COUPLE SHUFFLE UNCOMFORTABLY IN THEIR SEATS, PRETENDING NOT TO HEAR

MAN
No. keep that on , then I can peel it off when I get home

COUPLE RAISE EYEBROWS AT EACH OTHER

MAN
Yeah,that's it honey, and make sure to squirt some of that spray all over too, make my job easier later won't it?

COUPLE STARE OUT THE WINDOW, REDFACED BUT LISTENING INTENTLY

MAN
You think we need something to help keep it standing up ?

COUPLE EXCHANGE KNOWING LOOKS...WOMAN MOUTHS THE WORD 'SICK'

MAN
Ok honey...I'll pop in the garden centre on the way home...that clematis does tend to go a bit floppy if you don't stake it up...see ya later

Doris and Betty are in a cafe.

Doris: Eee Betty its freezing out there did you come on the bus.
bett: Yes but I managed to make it look like an asthma attack.
Doris (looks confused)

A young man sitting near by listens to the conversation

Doris: I have just come from church the vicar is a lovely man he really knows how to deliver a good sermon:
Betty: I know I managed to get some on my dress. Look! (points at white stain)
Doris (looks very confused now)
Betty: Well I think once I leave here I am going to go and find a nice young man.
Doris: Why do you want a young man do you need help carrying your shopping.
Betty: No I want him to show me a good time.
Doris: Oh like a trip to the theatre or a walk or ...
Betty: No I want him to f**k me.
Doris: (looks disgusted) Betty what is going on.
Betty; Well like I say I want f**ked John can no longer get it up and I have needs..
Young Man: (strides over) I think I could be the answer to all your problems
Doris: young man do you realise how old Betty is this is sick and twisted you should be ashamed.
Young Man: she is a beautiful woman and I would like to make love to her.
Doris: Do you realise that it would be like pulling apart a cheese toastie.
Young Man (runs off and is violently sick)

THE SWORD IN THE BONE

DOCTOR'S SURGERY.

DOCTOR (hums...)

BLOKE staggers in with a sword in his guts and blood everywhere.

DOCTOR Ah, so what seems to be the problem?

BLOKE (sits down) I'm not sure Doctor. But for the last year I've had a slight irritation around the stomach.

DOCTOR Well, let's have a look at you then. Hmmm... Can't see anything untoward.

BLOKE Are you absolutely sure? Does feel a tad dickie to me.

DOCTOR No, you've got me stumped I'm afraid. Unless (peers) - ah yes. You have a sword in your stomach and it's squirting blood all over the bally place.

BLOKE Good Lord, you're correct dammit!

DOCTOR Not at all, it's my profession.

BLOKE (pats him on the back) Well done Jenkins, and welcome to Great Ormond Street Hospital.

DOCTOR Gosh, thanks. One does get so nervous at exam time.

They smile at the audience.

VOICE-OVER Medical training for the new decade. Because any silly c**t can get a diploma these days.

Dog turds on roses and fag burns on kittens
Vomit in kettles and barbed wire mittens
Cute little puppies all tied up with strings
These are a few of my favourite things

Cream coloured pustules and vomiting poodles
Slay bells and hells bells and explicit doodles
Hot crispy hamster as the microwave pings
These are a few of my favourite things.

Crusty old jock-straps with odd drips and splashes
Hair down the plug-hole and crumby moustaches
Waves of nausea that the hangover brings
These are a few of my favourite things

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favourite things
And then I don't feel so bad.

TWO WOMEN CHATTING OVER THEIR BOTTLES OF WINE.

1st woman

I'm feeling really sick now, it's doin' my head in.

2nd woman

Mine too, it's alright when you just take a bit at a time but-

1st woman

I know, you can have too much of a bad thing.

2nd woman

Why do we do it? Day after day, night after night?

1st woman
HOLDS UP GLASS

Because it's dark and wet and evil.

2nd Woman

And we're hooked.

1st Woman

Just wish I'd never married the swine.

2nd woman

Eh? I was talking about the wine.

SCENE. A DOCTOR'S SURGERY, 1348.

THE DOCTOR IS AT HIS DESK, LOOKING AT SOME NOTES THROUGH HIS READING GLASSES. HE PICKS UP A SPEAKING TRUMPET.

DOCTOR
Jack the Carter to Surgery Four please.

JACK ENTERS. HIS SKIN IS COVERED IN DARK BLOTCHES.

DOCTOR
And how are we today?

JACK
Not so good, really. It's these buboes, in my armpits.

DOCTOR
Let's take a look. Oh, yes, those are nasty.

JACK
I've got them in my groin as well.

DOCTOR
Hmm, yes. I have been seeing a lot of these lately. There's something going round. I shouldn't worry about it.

JACK
Only I was a bit concerned because a colleague at work had the same thing.

DOCTOR
(NOT INTERESTED) Oh, yes?

JACK
And he died...

DOCTOR
Say "ah".

JACK
"ah" ...a couple of days later. And his wife. And all his family. And his neighbours. And the bloke who collects the nightsoil. And...

DOCTOR
Yes, it can be quite difficult to shake off. Take plenty of rest, and paint a red cross on your front door. Here, I'll write you out a scrip.

THE DOCTOR SCRIBBLES SOMETHING ON A PAD AND TEARS OFF A SHEET.

DOCTOR
There you go, shinbone of St. Earconwald. Rub it on the infected parts three times a day. If there is no improvement I should give it four days.

JACK
And then come back and see you again?

THE DOCTOR LOOKS AT HIM OVER HIS READING GLASSES.

DOCTOR
Well, I would suggest a mass of thanksgiving first.

JACK
Thank you doctor.

JACK LEAVES.

DOCTOR
I don't know - first sign of a sniffle and everyone comes to see their GP. Next.

A PATIENT ENTERS WITH A SWORD THROUGH HIS STOMACH.

DOCTOR
And what appears to be the matter?

PATIENT
It's probably nothing....

END

LOGAN
It was 18 months ago now and an ordinary Saturday. I was just finishing the cryptic crossword. 'Eggs' I believe was the final word, the clue being some sort of reference to the sands of time or some such...an egg timer you see.

JINNY
Its not important.

LOGAN
Well no. The point being I look to Jinny lying in the bed next to me and she's lying there completely paralysed and she's been spewing her guts out for the last hour, hour and a half.

JINNY
It was horrible.

LOGAN
After breakfast, I had scrambled eggs the crossword had quite put me in the mood, I brought her to the hospital.

JINNY
It was terrifying.

LOGAN
Oh it certainly was, you see I had had a Bloody Mary with my eggs and I was very aware of the possibility of being pulled over for drink driving. And I asked Jinny to drive but she simply wasn't up to it, were you dear?

JINNY
No.

LOGAN
Anyway it turns out this thing is a brain tumor. A big garble of tissue clogging up Jinny's brain.

JINNY
The doctors looked at it and watched my progress over some weeks and it was decided it was best if I get it removed surgically.

LOGAN
But in the intervening period I had rather fallen for the thing. Turn around deer, let's see you.

JINNY turns around so she's facing away from camera and towards the back of her head there is a protrusion.

LOGAN
I was head over heals for my wife's brain tumor and it puts one in an awfully awkward position, both me and the tumor. Jinny wanted it removed but it seemed such a selfish act, she would have been destroying love for crying out loud. But here we are 18 months on and I've divorced Jinny, I still see a lot of her on account of her being attached to my new wife, the tumor, we married last August. It was a lovely service.

JINNY
It really was.

CUT TO:

Home movie footage of the wedding, LOGAN and JINNY emerging from the church, with JINNY standing so the tumor is facing out and a veil on her framing the tumor. LOGAN kisses the tumor and waves to friends and family who throw confetti.

CUT TO:

Back to LOGAN and JINYY

LOGAN
I invited Jinny, I don't think there were any hard feelings. Its still a little awkward but its going to be when your new wife is slowly killing your ex wife, I mean I think we all know how that story goes, but we're happy now and that's what matters.

LOGAN turns to the tumor.

LOGAN
Isn't it dear?

DAY INT

TEACHERS REST ROOM

PHONE RINGS. TEACHER ANSWERS.

TEACHER:
Hello this is Mrs Sharp.

CALLER: (strange falsetto voice)
I am calling on behalf of Johhny Smith
He won't be able to attend school today
as he has been sick all night.

TEACHER:
Oh I am sorry to hear that.
Who is this calling please?

CALLER:
My mother

Sick

Int. Church. Day

PRIEST and a workman (JOINER)

JOINER

So Father, how high do you want this communion rail?

(The PRIEST puts his hand to his crotch in an experimental manner.)

PRIEST

About this high.

(JOINER looks shocked and hesitates)

JOINER

About that high?

PRIEST

Yes. Just measure the height that my hand is from the

ground and make it six inches lower.

(The JOINER has a disgusted look on his face as he measures

the height, thinking "Well, a job is a job. And there'll be

some other jobs over this rail before long".)

JOINER

Ok Father, I've got the height now. I can do the job.

(He grimaces as he says the last unfortunate word thinking

"you dirty filthy f**king pervert. I can't stop you but I

hope you roast in the pits of Hell you lousy scumbag!")

PRIEST

Hang on, let me just make doubly sure.

(He goes over to the old communion rail, bends over

slightly to pick up the chalice. Puts it down, then picks it

up again, mumbling,)

Yes that's right, mustn't strain my poor old back

(The JOINER sees this and is mortified, thinking how badly

he had misjudged the PRIEST.)

PRIEST

Yes that's the right height all right, no bending.

JOINER

I see Father, so you don't have to keep bending over when

you are administering the holy sacrament of communion?

PRIEST

Ah yes. And I like to keep my back straight for all the

blowjobs.

BARRY TAKING CAR FOR A TEST DRIVE WITH SALES ASSISTANT IN THE PASSENGER SEAT.

SALES ASSISTANT:
This car is an absolute dream to drive. It purrs like a contented kitten and it handles like a bar..handlebars...fancy handlebars that are shaped in a complete circle.

BARRY:
A steering wheel?

ASSISTANT:
Indeed. It is equipped with steering wheel shaped handlebars . It drives all over the place and its flippin' lovely.

BARRY:
Yeah it feels nice. Nicer than a tricycle to say the least. What is the timing..(HE VOMITS)..belt like on these?

ASSISTANT IS TAKEN ABACK.

ASSISTANT :
Ahem...a-are you okay?

BARRY:
Fine. Why do you ask?

ASSISTANT:
W-well the timing belts are lovely. I'd go as far as to say they are gorgeous.

BARRY:
And the speed.. (VOMITS AGAIN)..ometer is quite accurate I see. How is the carburettor?

ASSISTANT:
Are you sure youre okay?

BARRY:
I'm fine. Why do you keep asking me that?

ASSISTANT:
Again the carburettor is absolutely beautiful.

DRIVING BACK INTO THE GARAGE.

BARRY:
I have to say I'm very impressed. This car is lovely. It handles perfectly. I can hardly even hear the engine and its with.. (VOMITS)..in my price range. Its exactly what I'm looking for.

ASSISTANT:
Great. We'll just go inside, sign the forms and its yours.

BARRY:
I'm not taking it.

ASSISTANT:
Why not?

BARRY:
It smells a bit like vomit mate.

END.

INT. MORTUARY.

TWO MORTUARY ATTENDANTS (JIM AND BOB, AGED 30'S) ARE TALKING.

JIM: You know you were off yesterday Bob?

BOB: Yeah?

JIM: A blonde girl was in here... mid twenties, cute, masssive knockers.

BOB: Yeah, and?

JIM: I couldn't help myself mate.

BOB: Oh, you sick f**k Jim.

JIM: I done her up the bum and all Bob.

BOB: You disgusting, vile, twisted prick.

JIM: Then I shat on her tits at the end.

BOB VOMITS.

JIM: Yeah, she's our new supervisor Janet, filthy she is mate.

SICK

SNOW WHITE HEARS THE SEVEN DWARVES OUTSIDE THE COTTAGE SINGING 'HI-HO! SHE YANKS OPEN THE DOOR.

SNOW WHITE: Don't you midgets know any other f**kin song. I'm sick and tired of hearing that stupid tune.

GRUMPY PUSHES HIS WAY TO THE FRONT.

GRUMPY: It's the only one we know. Besides, what else would we sing? Diamonds Are Forever?

SNOW WHITE: I dunno. How about pop?

GRUMPY: Well we used to sing a different one a few years back but thought it inappropriate since you came.

SNOW WHITE: Let's hear it then.

GRUMPY GRABS SNOW WHITE'S HAND AND PULLS HER ONTO THE PATH. THE DWARVES FORM A CIRCLE AROUND HER. GRUMPY SNAPS HIS FINGERS TO A BEAT

GRUMPY: Right lads. Remember the old Prodigy song?

THE DWARVES SMACK SNOW WHITE AROUND THE FACE

DWARVES: Smack me bitch up. Smack me bitch up.

SNOW WHITE: All right! All right! You can sing Hi Ho!

Builder....Fork 'andle mate
Ironmonger....F**k off
Builder.....What's your problem?
Ironmonger.. I'll bet you work on the new building site up the road
Builder... That's right, I'm an apprentice electrician.
Ironmonger...Knew it, do you know how many builders try that old trick.
Builder...Haven't got a scooby mate, what trick is that then?
Ironmonger...Don't give me your old bollocks, the Two Ronnies sketch.
Builder...I didn't know the Krays did sketches and you are getting on my tits.
Ironmonger....Well you tell me, what do you want four candles for
Builder....A digger has gone out of control, smashed up me tool box and ripped
up the electric supply to the site. Our lunch cabin is a dismal dump.
I'd like a cup of tea,a bacon butty and pick a winner from the racing
page.Now to pick a winner, I need to be able to see the f**kin' paper
If you don't serve me soon I'll set fire to your f**kin' beard.
Ironmonger..Oh, there you are then, four WAX candles
Builder...Nah, we got cross wires mate, fork handle,a handle for a fork
Ironmonger...I knew it, I knew it,I knew it.
Builder... You knew what you prick, I told you the digger busted me tools, I
need to mend me fork, dig a trench, find the electric supply and mend
it, then I'd like to plug you into the mains you sick bastard.