I know it is not Newsjack stuff and not what they are looking for but sometimes I just start with an Idea and get carried away.
MILES
As David "I did it both ways" Cameron tried to once again launch the sinking ship known as the big society he was bound to feel that the support for the coalition was beginning to fade and wonder just what he could do about it
DAVID CAMERON
Nick I have just re launched the Big Society but I don't think anyone really cares
NICK CLEGG
Dave I just don't think we are as popular as we once were
DAVID CAMERON
I know Nick but what can we do?
NICK CLEGG
I have been thinking about it, and well?
DAVID CAMERON
What?
NICK CLEGG
We need to engage with the public once more
DAVID CAMERON
How do we do that?
NICK CLEGG
Humour. I think we need to be funnier
DAVID CAMERON
Funnier?
NICK CLEGG
Yeah
DAVID CAMERON
How?
NICK CLEGG
Well we need to look at who is popular and see what they do
DAVID CAMERON
Like who?
NICK CLEGG
I don't know
DAVID CAMERON
What about Pingu? He's popular, my kids love him
NICK CLEGG
We are not selling Ice Cream
FX: A siren in the background followed by a comedy ping
NICK CLEGG
That's it!
DAVID CAMERON
What is?
NICK CLEGG
Morecambe and Wise
DAVID CAMERON
Morecambe and Wise?
NICK CLEGG
Here's the idea
DAVID CAMERON
What?
NICK CLEGG
Look. Every time you see a speeding police car or ambulance or whatever at a press conference or something, turn to me and say "I bet he won't sell a lot of ice cream going at that speed"
DAVID CAMERON
Wahey! and should I mention your short fat hairy legs?
NICK CLEGG
That's a great idea
DAVID CAMERON
Thanks. If you say something funny I should slap your shoulders
and cheeks like this (FX: 2x SLAP)
NICK CLEGG
Owch! That hurt
DAVID CAMERON
Wahey
NICK CLEGG
Yes yes that's it
DAVID CAMERON
And your wallet
NICK CLEGG
What about my wallet
DAVID CAMERON
It has more moths in it than the NHS wards I am going to shut
down
NICK CLEGG
That's good
DAVID CAMERON
I know short fat hairy legs (FX: 2x slap) and there is always your wig
NICK CLEGG
My Wig?
DAVID CAMERON
You can't see the join. Look at that! No join ha ha
NICK CLEGG
We might get Glenda Jackson to join us
DAVID CAMERON
There's no answer to that! Ready when you are Pally
NICK CLEGG
Oh that's good. Wait a minute though, what do we do if it all starts to get too much?
DAVID CAMERON
Well we could end it all by listening to Des O'conner sing
NICK CLEGG
That would be taking it too far. There's always the song
DAVID CAMERON
Oh yes, what a clever little short fat hairy legged fellow you are Clegg (FX: 2x Slap)
NICK CLEGG
Owch. Thanks
BOTH BEGIN TO SING
Bring me Sunshine in your smile Bring me laughter all the while
NICK CLEGG
What do you think to the coalition so far
DAVID CAMERON
Rubbish
But last week for some reason was all Cameron and Clegg at home, I must be geting a fixation
MILES
Prime Minister and all round big boss man David "the U turn" Cameron and his Deputy Sheriff Nick "I meant it at the time" Clegg have both launched their separate campaigns for and against the proposed Alternative Vote electoral system. This is the first time the Prince William and Kate Middleton of politics have disagreed so openly in public and we here at Newsjack are "Bovverred". Will it be like Peter Andre and Jordan all over again? Will Nick end up with his own reality show on UK Living? We decided that we needed to get to the truth of the matter and placed a microphone on our highly secret News of the World equipped eavesdropping newsjack infiltrator in the heart of Downing Street. This is what we heard.
FX: Meow Purr Purr Purr
DAVID CAMERON
Nick! It's that bloody cat again
NICK CLEGG
Dave, his name is Larry
DAVID CAMERON
I said I didn't want a cat
NICK CLEGG
Well there are lots of things I have said I didn't want
DAVID CAMERON
You are not about those bloody university fees again are you?
NICK CLEGG
What if I am?
DAVID CAMERON
I do one thing, just one teeny little thing you don't like, and it's never ending nagging. You seem to forget everything else I have U turned on, for you Nick
NICK CLEGG
What do you mean one thing? You promised me you wouldn't do it, and then you went and did it. Mother was right, you cannot be trusted, you're a pig
DAVID CAMERON
I am not a Pig and I can be trusted. There's the big society, I have kept my promise about that
NICK CLEGG
You have had to launch it twice already and the only reason you have not changed your mind about it is because even you don't know what it is
DAVID CAMERON
That's not true
NICK CLEGG
Tis
DAVID CAMERON
Tis not
NICK CLEGG
Tis too. What about the Forests?
DAVID CAMERON
I didn't change my mind, I promised Uncle Siegfried he could buy them cheap and he will, eventually, I just have to include it in the big society so that the public don't notice this time
NICK CLEGG
So you didn't change your mind about the free books for children?
DAVID CAMERON
No I didn't change my mind on that either, It is a waste of money teaching poor people to read, It only encourages them. Look at Egypt and Libya
NICK CLEGG
And don't forget trying to get rid of the school sports partnerships
DAVID CAMERON
How could I with you around?
NICK CLEGG
Anyway we needed a cat
DAVID CAMERON
Oh don't pout. I'm sorry you are right
NICK CLEGG
You have upset me again
DAVID CAMERON
I said sorry. It is not just the cat, this alternative voting system, Why can't we just agree it is a waste of time?
NICK CLEGG
It is not a waste of time Dave and I want it and if I don't get alternative voting, I might do something silly
DAVID CAMERON
Ok Nick, not the I'm going to Labour threat again
NICK CLEGG
Threat, threat, I think someone needs to have a long hard look at their coalition partnership
DAVID CAMERON
We are partners in this Nick and we are having to make difficult decisions I suppose. Would you settle for a referendum? Let the people decide, I can't take it all in right now it might be the best way.
NICK CLEGG
You mean it Dave, my own referendum?
DAVID CAMERON
I do, you ought to see these Budget cuts I am having to make in the NHS, it is not easy
NICK CLEGG
No one ever said it would be, my own referendum.
DAVID CAMERON
So can we get back to our jobs now? Partner
NICK CLEGG
Oh yes. Thank you Dave
FX: The sound of a vacuum cleaner been switched on
NICK CLEGG(humming)
I want to break free by Queen.
But unfortunately my fixaion with Nick and Dave and Larry the cat started to become unhealthy
COMEDY V/O
From Big Society pictures the people who brought you The Purrfect Storm and The Cat a List, comes the motion picture comedy event of the year
FX: Jaunty classical music
DAVID CAMERON
I am not having a cat Nick
NICK CLEGG
Dave, We need a cat, we have Rats running all over Downing Street
DAVID CAMERON
This place has been and always will be rat infested. We are not having a cat and that's what I have just told the British Public
V/O
Comes a Story of deceit
NICK CLEGG
I have been and bought a cat
DAVID CAMERON
Without telling me first?
NICK CLEGG
I knew you would say no
DAVID CAMERON
Oh Nick what have you done? I told everyone we were not having a cat, I will have to U turn again now
V/O
A Story of an unlikely alliance
NICK CLEGG
You are the only one who truly understands me and we have so much in common Larry, we both work with Rats
LARRY THE CAT
Meoww Purr
V/O
And a story of a sinister secret
TERRORIST (Arabian Accent)
Larry this is your mission
LARRY THE CAT
Meow
TERRORIST
You are to infiltrate Downing Street
LARRY THE CAT
Meow
TERRORIST
Once there you are to find the weakest minded individual
LARRY THE CAT
Meow
TERRORIST
And you are to hypnotise that individual into making the prime minister change his mind as much as possible
LARRY THE CAT
Meow
TERRORIST
It is my most Evil and Brilliant plan yet (Evil laugh)
V/O
This Spring join us for a comedy of purry proportions. David Cameron
DAVID CAMERON
Ok, alright Nick stop going on, I will not sell the forests, and put that bloody cat down will you, you look like William Hague doing Dr Evil
V/O
Nick Clegg
NICK CLEGG
I want an alternative voting system or a referendum on an alternative voting system and Larry wants a ball with a bell in it
V/O
Al Queda
TERRORIST
I will destabilise British politics forever (Evil laugh)
V/O
And introducing Larry the cat
LARRY THE CAT
Meow. You are feeling sleepy Nick Clegg, Meow
V/O
In "That Darn Cat"
NICK CLEGG
Dave! Larry and I don't agree with you, you need to change your mind again
V/O
Only this spring or Summer or Autumn but not Winter. Only Next Christmas in cinemas or on DVD
DAVID CAMERON
That Darn Cat!
LARRY THE CAT
Meow
I know it was a long trawl thanks for getting to this point. 
