All Ages and Stripes, opening scene, draft 3.

So I posted an earlier effort on here, and it didn't float anyones boat, maybe this rewritten piece will. All comments both positive and negative are welcome, please enjoy.

ALL AGES AND STRIPES

INT. GATEHOUSE [07.50]
ELWOOD, FABIO, LONNIE, WENNA

INSIDE THE GATEHOUSE OF BANGERS WHISTLE HOLIDAY PARK ON A MID-MAY MONDAY MORNING. NIGHT SHIFT IS DRAWING TO A CLOSE. FORMER CRUISE SINGER ELWOOD DELGADO 32, EX-POLICEMAN LONNIE HUGHES 58, AND RELIEF DAY SHIFT, IN CIVVIES, EMLYN "FABIO" ROBERTS 64 ARE WHILING AWAY THE LAST FEW MINUTES, THE DESK IS STREWN WITH PAPERWORK.

FABIO
(Puts down telephone reciever)
That flaming woman! She has only got him dropping the bloody kids of at school this morning, he'll be late. Why he married her I'll never know!

ELWOOD
Love Emlyn. Remember that?

FABIO
Give over, nobody marries for love anymore, that went out with the SNES.

LONNIE
My lad had one of them, our Fletch pissed all over it.

ELWOOD
Did you get that new dog guard yet?

FABIO
He got it alright, double barrel from that missus of his. It's in the snooker room round the back here, with that new choke lead and feeding bowl.

LONNIE
Yeah, but it's been six years since Fletch bit her, maybe if I keep plugging away I'll be allowed a new one.

FABIO
Not while you still have that parrot at home you won't.

ELWOOD
What do you do with a parrot when you go away on holiday? It's not like there is such a thing as parrot kennels.

LONNIE
I left in here in the jungle gym last winter, it took until half term to clean up the shit.

ELWOOD
Friggins was furious! She is still not talking to you is she?

LONNIE
(Looking out the window)
She's coming over now, I'd best be offski.
(Jumps into green 3 series BMW parked outside gathouse and drives off centre at speed)

EMLYN GOES INTO BACK AND WE HEAR A KETTLE BEGIN TO BOIL. WENNA FRIGGINS, 55, SITE MANAGER, SHORT DUMPY WOMAN, ENTERS THE GATEHOUSE.

WENNA
(Strong, cheerful, west country accent)
Morning, alright my handsome?

ELWOOD
Smashing Miss Wenna, and you?

WENNA
Pretty as a picture Elwood, are you going?

ELWOOD
Not yet miss, I am waiting for a delivery. I have my shopping sent here because you get your post before me.

WENNA
Shopping again? Online? What for this time?

FABIO
More bloody film props I expect. A pair of ruby slippers turned up here last week, not even his size.

ELWOOD
It's a T-Bird leather jacket if you must know.

WENNA
(Winking)
Will we get to see you in it?

ELWOOD
Maybe.

WENNA
Anyway Emlyn, where is your uniform?

FABIO
It's only five to the hour Wenna.

WENNA
That's Miss Wenna to you. It's about time you changed don't you think?

EMLYN GOES INTO BACK OFFICE AND WE HEAR HIM UNDO A ZIP.

FABIO (O.S.)
Bloody hell fire! I bet she could eat a melon through a picket fence that one!

ELWOOD
What's up?

ELWOOD WALKS BACK INTO MAIN OFFICE SPORTING A WHITE LADIES BLOUSE WITH A REVEALING NECK LINE AND EMBROIDERED FLOWERS ON THE CHEST.

FABIO
This is!

ELWOOD
(Gok Wan impression)
It's all about the confidence!

FABIO
Hold your damn tongue, else I'll rip your arm off and hit you with the soggy end!

WENNA
Now now. Why don't you jut cover it up with a sweater from lost property?
(Signs open book on desk)
I have to go now I've been and done this.

ELWOOD
(Hands Emlyn a black sweater)
Here you are, Heath brought this over last night.

FABIO
Hear that? Lost property! What type of boss wants you wearing lost property on the front desk?

ELWOOD
Same one that brought you that punch over at Christmas.

FABIO
Yeah well, that's different.

ELWOOD
Of course it is. You never really thought I was gonna wear those slippers did ya?

FABIO
What? No, well, sometimes you can be a bit, you know.

ELWOOD
I can can't I?

FABIO
You know this is the fourth time in the last fortnight he has been lumbered with those kids and not made it in on time.

ELWOOD
I didn't realise you were keeping score.

FABIO
Well, somebodies got to. Little bird told me that cuts are coming, and, if I can do the job of two. Why have two in the first place?

ELWOOD
Is that right? Then, I may have an idea, of sorts.

FABIO
Yeah, go on.

ELWOOD
Well, the logbook, on days, says you're here and he's here, that you're on lunch, then he's on lunch. That you have finished and so has he.

FABIO
Right?

ELWOOD
So, simple. You gotta make yourselves sound busy. Everything on this centre comes through that gate, walks right past you, so you gotta log it. Every phone call, radio call, every guest that comes in and goes out. You can't do it all on your own, you need help.

FABIO
You know, I think you're onto somethin'.

ELWOOD
Of course I am. Franco wants to take on more night staff, and you two on the gate are swindling him out of his budget.

FABIO
Another new starter? You lot must look like the Repository Dogs!

ELWOOD
It's reservoir, and I'm Mr. Pink I suppose?

FABIO
What?

INTO THE GATEHOUSE WALKS FRANCO TUCCI 43, SECURITY MANAGER, LOOKS LIKE AN OLD SCHOOL HOLLYWOOD ACTOR WITH DARK HAIR, GREY AT THE TEMPLES AND DARK, OLIVE SKIN. HE IS DRESSED IN A LYCRA ALL IN ONE AND CARRYING A SPORTS BAG AND BOTTLE.

FRANCO
Buon Giorno.

ELWOOD
Aaaaay Franco.

THE PAIR EMBRACE AND SIMULATE KISSING EACH OTHERS CHEEKS.

FABIO
Pair of puffs.

FRANCO
Morning Emlyn, what the bloody hell is that you're wearing?

ELWOOD
It's out of lost property. The dry cleaners sent him home with a couple of ladies blouses instead of his shirts.

FRANCO
Let's have a gander.

FABIO
Get stuffed. Anyway, look at the state of you.
(Looks at Franco's crotch)
Cold outside?

ELWOOD
He's got a good point, it's a it early for lycra boss.

FRANCO
This is my sports garb, y'know for me lunges. If I do them at our place, our Jacqui won't let it go.

FABIO
She won't? The bitch. You look like Richard freaking Simmons!

ELWOOD
Tommy's gotta get the kids to school again.

FRANCO
You're jesting. I'm looking to take on, and Friggins' reckons I don't need anymore, has she been in?

FABIO
Signed the book at five to.

FRANCO
Did she say anything?

ELWOOD
Nah, she's off centre now too, hopefully he'll be in before she gets back.

There's a nice sense of rhythm in a lot of the dialogue - I can here them as I read. I like that you're tackling middle aged men, who clearly have trouble relating to women, trying to "be cool" by retaining something of their youth and showing off to each other. Are any of them into table top gaming at all? That might be too stereotypical.

Tale top gaming is a no, it had not even occurred to me. Fabio is a big bingo fan, and into live music, he drives a gold capri. Lonnie is a gardener, and desperately wants a new dog, he also is forever buying new cars, and trading them in. Elwood is a former cruise singer, and wannabe star with an addiction to eBay and the like. Franco is of Italian descent, a keen rugby player, who has worked here since school age. I hope this helps bring the characters to life. I think that I am beginning to find my rhythm where I have struggled before, thank you for your feedback, I will post more soon as I get it typed up, it all gets done by hand first.

FRANCO
I hope so, I'm interviewing in a it. Dom Rimmer some young lad, works for his old man.

ELWOOD
Doing what?

FRANCO
Something to do with the slots, his dad owns half of Coronation Way.

ELWOOD
Not Billy Rimmer?

FRANCO
Dunno, might be, why?

ELWOOD
Fat bastard, could eat a pissy mattress that fellah.

FABIO
Well, there's plenty of them here.
(Scratching his chest)
God, this blouse aint half chafing me nipples.

ELWOOD
Stick it in the book.

FRANCO AND FABIO MAKE THEIR WAY INTO THE BACK OFFICE. RUSSELL THE POSTMAN 25, ENTERS THE GATEHOUSE AND TAKES A SEAT, THROWING HIS POST BAG DOWN AT HIS FEET.

RUSSELL
Salutations all. Is that the kettle I can here?

FABIO (O.S.)
What you drinking?

RUSSELL
I'll have a coffee, two sugars. Think I've got something 'ere for you El.

ELWOOD
Wicked, I have been so looking forward to this.

FABIO (O.S.)
For crying out loud! Somebodies been at my coffee!

FRANCO (O.S.)
That'll be Lonnie, he was giving it Disco and Tombstone last night.

ELWOOD
I didn't see them.

FRANCO (O.S.)
You were on the cash drop.

EMLYN WALKS BACK INTO FRONT OFFICE SIPPING A MUG OF COFFEE AND HANDS A VERY FULL MUG OF COFFEE.

RUSSELL
Cheers big ears, sign this will ya.

EMLYN SIGNS PAPERWORK HANDED TO HIM BY RUSSELL, AND HANDS IT BACK.

ELWOOD
Are you logging this post in the book then Em?

FABIO
Are you taking the piss?

ELWOOD
No, you had to be here to sign for it, didn't you?

FABIO
Give us that pen!

RUSSELL
You've got him working then!

ELWOOD
Ay Russell, how dya get on with that bird, what's her name?

RUSSELL
You mean Heather, she was only me high school Geography teacher. I kept calling Miss Dewhurst.

ELWOOD
Seeing her again?

RUSSELL
Deffo, the lads in the office wanna know if she ever got that mole removed.

ELWOOD
How dya meet?

RUSSELL
Personals mate, I'm not proud, but I'm in bed by eight six days a week, I don't get out as much as I'd like, so I left this message for the cheeky penguin.

ELWOOD
So it was a blind date?

RUSSELL
I don't think I'd have gone otherwise, I never handed in my globalisation coursework.

CUT TO:

INT. GATEHOUSE BACK OFFICE [8.10]
FRANCO, ELWOOD, EMLYN

A SMALL BOX ROOM CLEARLY AN OFFICE WITH AN UNKEMPT DESK, AND FILING CABINETS. ALSO ARE TINS OF PAINT ON TOP OF EACH OTHER, AND NUMEROUS FIRE EXTINGUISHERS. THERE IS NO WINDOW. FRANCO HAS FOUND LIMITED SPACE BEHIND HIS DESK AND IS ATTEMPTING SOME LUNGE TYPE EXERCISES.

FRANCO
So reckon you this Dom is one of that Billy's kids or sommet?

ELWOOD
Could well be. He's got two lads if I remember right.

FRANCO
Anything else?

ELWOOD
(Pulls leather jacket out of parcel and throws it on )
I think I met them once, at some ball, I was on the bill. The ald fellah loved me Style Council set, and the lads were proper dapper.

FRANCO
Yeah, but it was that type of do.
(Shouts in pain, and falls down)
Ah, my leg.

ELWOOD
Alright boss?
(Tries to get to him)
Shit, my foot!
(Crashes into a fire extinguisher, knocking it onto Franco)

FRANCO
You dumb get! You've broken me flaming ankle! Who's on first aid?

ELWOOD
Supposed to be Tommy.

FRANCO
Chrissakes! Emlyn get in here, bring the first aid bag with ya.

FABIO (O.S.)
On me way.

FRANCO
Get on that gate will ya!

ELWOOD
I finished ten minutes ago.

FRANCO
Then what the heck are you still doing here, breaking my bloody foot, dressed up like Danny freaking Zuko.

FABIO (O.S.)
I won't be a sec boss, I'm just sticking this in the book.

FRANCO
Forget the book! My foots blown up like the doggone Hindenburg.

CUT TO:

INT. GATEHOUSE FRONT OFFICE [08.15]
ELWOOD, DOM

ELWOOD IS SINGING TO HIMSELF THE HIT "SANDY", FROM THE MUSICAL GREASE, WHILST STRAIGHTENING THE OFFICE. IN WALKS DOM RIMMER, 28, TALL, BROAD SHOULDERED, HEAVYSET MAN WITH A RECEDING HAIRLINE. HE IS DRESSED IN ALL BLACK, DRESS SHIRT, TIE AND TROUSERS.

DOM
Danny?

ELWOOD
That's my name, don't wear it out.

DOM
I just love that jacket, where did ya get it?

ELWOOD
Some site, Props and Frocks.

DOM
Cool, I just bought a Blues Brothers film cell, limited edition.

ELWOOD
And my real name is Elwood.

DOM
You don't drive a?

ELWOOD
(Interrupts)
No!

DOM
Sorry.

ELWOOD
So, anyway, you are?

DOM
Dom Rimmer, I've got an interview with Franco. I'm a little early, I hope that's okay.

ELWOOD
No problemo, grab a pew. Let me just stick this in the book, I'll tell him you're here.

INT. GATEHOUSE BACK OFFICE [8.20]
FRANCO, EMLYN, ELWOOD, DOM

EMLYN IS SAT ON TOP OF A TOWER OF PAINT TINS, FRANCO IS IN HIS SWIVEL CHAIR WITH HIS FOOT ATOP EMLYN'S KNEE. EMLYN IS ADMINISTERING FIRST AID. IN WALKS ELWOOD.

ELWOOD
Dom Rimmer is here to see you boss.

FRANCO
(Looks at watch)
He's early, send him through.

FABIO
Are you sure guv?

FRANCO
Yeah, gives the lad chance to see what he'll be working with.

ELWOOD
I think that's what he meant.

FRANCO
Just go and get him will ya.

ELWOOD TURNS AND WALKS OUT

FRANCO (CONT'D)
You know you're gonna need to fill out a first aid form.

FABIO
Why?

FRANCO
Coz, you've had to use a bandage and an ice pack, if you don't fill out a form saying where they're going, they think I'm stealing them.

FABIO
What would you do with a bandage and an ice pack?

FRANCO
Start stocking up my first aid kit at home, here look at the prices of these.
(Hands brochure to Emlyn)

IN WALKS DOM, HE GOES TO SIT DOWN AND REALISES THAT THERE IS NO CHAIR.

DOM
So you must be Franco.

FRANCO
That's me. Pull up a couple of boxes and rest your legs.

DOM PULLS TWO HEAVY CARDBOARD BOXES AWAY FROM THE WALL AND SITS ON THEM.

DOM
Had an accident?

FRANCO
That pleb on the gate dropped a fire extinguisher on my foot.

ELWOOD (O.S.)
It was an accident.

FRANCO
(Shouts)
I wasn't talking to you Zuko!

FABIO
Dya want me to massage your thigh boss?

FRANCO
Yeah, go get that baby oil that Barney keeps in his locker.

EMLYN GOES INTO A THIRD ROOM AND QUICKLY COMES BACK WITH A BOTTLE OF BABY OIL.

FRANCO (CONT'D)
So, why you wanna come and work for me?

DOM
Well, I heard that the moneys crap, and the hours are worse, and I just couldn't stop myself.

FABIO
(Defensively)
You cheeky git, this is your future boss!
(Whilst rubbing baby oil into Franco's thigh)

FRANCO
(Laughing)
You know, I think I like you. Can you do nights?

DOM
I can do anytime, I'm fed up of watching old dears turn their pensions into change and feed it into the slots, it's depressing.

ELWOOD (O.S.)
Where do ya think they go on holiday?

FRANCO
(Shouting)
I told you to shut it.

DOM
It said it the advert that I could do me first aid and SIA courses here.

FRANCO
This lad wants to go far. I can try and get you on the lifeguard training course too, if your interested?

FABIO
You said that's just for managers.

FRANCO
It's supposed to be, but I really like this guy.

DOM
Well any course I can do is great.

FRANCO
So Dom, dya want the job or not?

DOM
Can I start this weekend?

FRANCO
Eight on Friday night okay? If you get your own shirt, trousers and boots, just keep the receipts.

This got funnier as I read it. I think that you're like me in that you like more character driven comedy with banter and one liners rather than the old fashioned farce with jokes and puns style of humour.
I get a sense that this is set in a kind of working class mileu - with the characters feeling like they might have been mods or rockers in their youth. The dialogue certainly is realistic and gritty in that sense and paints the characters nicely - the humour is quite subtle.
Please read the full first ep. of my "Suburban Bohemia" on here now that I've finished it. I'd love to have your feedback.

INT. GATEHOUSE FRONT OFFICE [08.30]
ELWOOD, FABIO, DOM, FRANCO, NIALL

ELWOOD IS SAT WATCHING CCTV MONITORS, DOM WALKS RIGHT PAST HIM AND STANDS IN THE DOORWAY OF THE GATEHOUSE.

FRANCO (O.S.)
Make sure Dom gets one of my cards laddo, just in case he has any questions. Oh, and tell him if he knows anyone who wanna job, let me know.

ELWOOD
Here you are bud, a card. You heard the rest, right?

DOM
I did, you working Friday night?

ELWOOD
For my sins.

DOM
Cool, later Zuko.

DOM LEAVES GATEHOUSE AND THEN THE CENTRE.

ELWOOD
So, has he got any experience then?

FRANCO (O.S.)
Y'know, I never even asked, although, it says on his CV. He was a form rep at school.

EMLYN WALKS INTO FRONT OFFICE.

FABIO
That only means he was responsible for the flamin' register.

FRANCO (O.S.)
Ah well, it's not exactly a tough job is it? Any blasted monkey could do it.

ELWOOD
Making you King Louie?

FRANCO (O.S.)
That's your last one.

ELWOOD
Whatever Mr. Motivator.

OUT OF VIEW WE HEAR FRANCO GET TO HIS FEET AND CLAMBER THROUGH TO THE FRONT OFFICE.

FRANCO
If I had a crutch.

FABIO
You could stand up straight.

FRANCO
Whose side are you on?

IN WALKS NIALL LYNCH, 21, TALL, SKINNY, RED HAIRED, PASTY SKIN, DRESSED IN CHEF WHITES AND CARRYING A COOL BOX.

NIALL
(Strong southern Irish accent)
Morning all, nippy out.

FABIO
Alrigh' Paddy.

NIALL
Fabio.

FRANCO
(Finger over lips)
Ssshhh!

FABIO
What?

NIALL
Sorry, Emlyn. Were Mcfly any good? I read they rocked Liverpool.

ELWOOD
Mcfly?

FABIO
What? They play their own instruments. They did half an hour of Queen covers, if you closed your eyes....

ELWOOD
(Interrupts)
....It didn't get any better!

FABIO
Oh beat it!

NIALL
Caught something for you this morning Franco.

FRANCO
What is it?

NIALL
(Lifts box onto desk)
Take a peep. Fresh as it gets this, the little bleeders still kicking.

ELWOOD
Got anything for me in that box of tricks?

FRANCO MOVES TO OPEN THE LID ON THE COOL BOX.

FABIO
Watch it doesn't bite ya.

FRANCO
What the heck dya think he has in here?
(Taking the lid off the box)
An eel, great! Cheers Niall, I can't wait to get this little thing cooked up for brunch.

FABIO
Brunch, listen to him all la-di-da.

ELWOOD
He's excited about an eel, la-di-da? What were you brought up on, bread and dripping?

NIALL
I'm just glad I could help, you'd never get one of these in the village fish mongers.

ELWOOD
Dya ever catch mackerel?

NIALL
Certainly do. You got any orders Emlyn?

FABIO
Don't eat fish, certainly not out of that bay.

NIALL
It's good for ya, nothin' wrong with the fish I catch.

FRANCO
There's nowt wrong with our beaches either.

ELWOOD
Well, I wouldn't say that boss.

FRANCO
Huh?

ELWOOD
Well, it's got a bit of a reputation for, err, dogging.

FABIO
Dogging?

NIALL
I've seen them at it when I've been for me boat, at it all night they are.

FABIO
What's dogging?

FRANCO
Well, you live and learn, fish won't taste any different though will they?

FABIO
Will somebody tell me what you lot are on about?

ELWOOD
I'll mention it to Heath, he'll have some videos. Ay, Niall, you'll never guess who is starting on Friday.

NIALL
Go on.

ELWOOD
Only one of Billy Rimmer's lads, Dom, the eldest one.

NIALL
(Laughing)
You're kidding right? He's thick as pig shit! There's no helping you Franco, as long as they have a pulse eh?

FRANCO
Seemed alright t'me, dead keen to do first aid and his SIA. Even said I'd try and get him on the lifeguard course.

NIALL
Franco, the boy can't swim. I've seen him in his armbands down the baths having lessons in the kiddy pool.

ELWOOD
You're gonna have to call him, tell him it's coz of the cuts or sommet.

FRANCO
I haven't got his number. We did it all the old fashioned way, by post. What are we gonna do?

FABIO
What dya mean we?

NIALL
I'm leaving you girls to sort this one out yourselves.

ELWOOD
Yeah, later Niall.

NIALL LEAVES GATEHOUSE.

FRANCO
Good lad that Niall.

ELWOOD
He is aint he? Boss, what we gonna do about this new lad?

FABIO
Just him come in, if he's useless then get rid, you've not lost owt.

FRANCO
S'pose not. El, have you got the keys for the golf cart?

FABIO
Here y'are.
(Handing keys to Franco)need

ELWOOD
Don't forget to sign it out Em. What if he loses the keys?

FABIO
He won't lose them.

FRANCO
Emlyn, he's right. I've got no pockets.

ELWOOD
Why dya need it boss?

FRANCO
Well I can't walk back to my chalet with my foot like this can I?

EMLYN SLIDES BOOK OVER TO FRANCO, WHO SIGNS FOR THE KEYS, EMLYN INITIALS THE ENTRY.

FABIO
I'll go and fetch it.

EMLYN TAKES THE KEYS BACK FROM FRANCO AND LEAVES THE GATEHOUSE.

ELWOOD
I take it you've not mentioned Kim yet.

FRANCO
(Panicky)
Not yet, Tommy said he was gonna do it, and he's not bloody here.

ELWOOD
What? She starts in just over an hour, he's gonna flip out.

FRANCO
Just chill, he'll be okay.

ELWOOD
Yeah, of course he will.

FRANCO
I'm glad you've got him using the log book. It was getting bad, I nearly had to pull him in. I think he's done more today than he has in the last twelve months, and with it being take in day, I've got good reason for taking on.

ELWOOD
She's only part time though?

FRANCO
Just eight hours a week.

EMLYN PULLS UP OUTSIDE IN GOLF CART, AND STEPS OUT.

FABIO
Ready boss?

FRANCO
(Hobbles out to cart)
Coming.

ELWOOD
(Follows Franco out of gatehouse)
See ya tonight boss.

FRANCO
You need to get some sleep, you look like road kill.

ELWOOD
Argh, go play with a ball.

FRANCO DRIVES AWAY, MAKING AN OBSCENE GESTURE, EMLYN AND ELWOOD RE-ENTER THE GATEHOUSE.

FABIO
Go and grab a seat in the back you, I can cope here.

ELWOOD
I've no doubt you can matey, I'm here just in case something happens.

FABIO
Have it your way, mind if I go for a smoke then?

ELWOOD
Thought you were giving up, you'll get a droopy cock to go with that cough of yours.

FABIO
I'm working my way down the scale.

ELWOOD
There's a scale?

FABIO
I was on forty super kings a day, now I'm only on twenty menthol.

ELWOOD
It doesn't matter what flavour they are.

FABIO
Course it does, everyone knows menthol are better for ya.

ELWOOD
I'm not arguing about it, just go and have one will ya, with any luck that warning on the pack will come good!

FABIO
(Leaving the gatehouse)
Oh, very nice.

ELWOOD
Get gone already.

IN WALKS LARRY SELBY, 70, MEDIUM BUILD AND HEIGHT, FULL HEAD OF SILVER HAIR, HE IS OBVIOUSLY FULL OF LIFE, CARRYING HIS LUNCH BOX.

LARRY
Morning Elwood, I hope you're on double time, you were just starting as I finished last night.

ELWOOD
No such thing as double time here, we're lucky to get a lunch break.

LARRY
Really, I'll be having words with that Franco, treating you lads like that.

ELWOOD
I'm joking Mr. Selby, he's a good man.
(Pointing at Mr. Selby's lunch box)
Now what's on those sandwiches today?

LARRY
Corned beef and piccalilli.

ELWOOD
Ooh, you dirty bastard! So what are you in for?

LARRY
I'll have the keys for stores one and two today, oh and give us the fours too, just to get 'em going. I need a radio today, one I can get Desert Island Discs on.

ELWOOD
Here you are, have number seventeen. Looks like a goody to me, I've just got to log all this, mind giving me your signature?

LARRY
Course not, I like this professionalism, get Fabio doin' this!

IN WALKS EMLYN, COUGHING AND SPLUTTERING

LARRY (CONT'D)
You sound dreadful Em.

FABIO
Piss off, smokers cough that's all. I'll be fine in a minute. Hey what're you doing with number seventeen? That's Reuben's radio! Give it here I'll swap it.

ELWOOD
He's not just swapping it, he signed for that in the log. No rad belongs to anybody, unless they bring it with 'em.

LARRY
That's right, and it's mine today.

FABIO
Button it you! This is my gate after eight am, so things get done my way.

ELWOOD
No, I'm sorry, this isn't your gate. Tommy is the senior on days not you, and things get done the company way. I think you owe Mr. Selby here an apology.

LARRY
It don't matter.

ELWOOD
It does! Emlyn.

FABIO
I'm sorry Larry.

LARRY
Yeah okay Emlyn, see you later.

LARRY TAKES THE RADIO AND HIS KEYS AND LEAVES THE GATEHOUSE.

ELWOOD
You can't speak to the staff like that. Larry's been here for over thirty years, your feet wouldn't touch the floor if Miss Wenna heard you.

FABIO
Ah bollocks to her, we'd e better off without all these women, why can't they just stick to playing mother hen?

ELWOOD
Right, shut up! I wasn't gonna say anything. Franco left it up to Tommy but he's not here. You've got some help starting today, just doing ten til fours on take ins.

FABIO
(Furious)
What? Who is he?

ELWOOD
It's a she! Don't look at me like that!

EMLYN REACTS.

FABIO
I don't believe you.

ELWOOD
Her name is Kim, she's 19 and she used to work as night watchman at the Bellevue. She'll be able to deal with the phone and the books while you two can do all your more important stuff, like pointing guests in the right direction, making sure they catch the right bus.

FABIO
A woman on the gate, I've never heard so much rubbish in all my life.

ELWOOD
Behave will ya! You'll be all over her when you see her, she looks like a pin-up.

FABIO
Really, you never said.

ELWOOD
Go and get the gate will ya.

FABIO
(Walking to the gate)
Kiss me arse!

ELWOOD
Beats looking at Tommy all day.

FABIO
I'm not taking my calender down.

ELWOOD
I doubt she'll mind, she's gay.

FABIO
(Disappointed)
Another one? This is like working in the Ents. Department.

ELWOOD
Meaning?

FABIO
You lot, swinging this way and that.

ELWOOD
Stick a muzzle on! Listen to yersel' you boorish cretin!

FABIO
Ouch!

ELWOOD
Is it?

FABIO
Sorry mate.

ELWOOD
Better be. Have you cut the cheese? You stink!

FABIO
Beaut aint it?
(Simulates pulling a chain)
Think it came with it's own chain.

ELWOOD
You'll have to cut this out.

FABIO
I can't keep these brewin' all day, I'll explode!

ELWOOD
Might be the best thing for everyone.

The pace has certainly picked up and the dialogue becomes more fluid the more that you write. The points of tension certainly generate more humour - perhaps distribute them throughout the script more. It would be nice to have some earlier on where the tension plateaus a little. An opening pice of information that causes conflict could be the inciting incident for the story - and conflict generates tension which creates realtionships and comedy.
I'd love some feedback on my "Peculiar Pantos".

PHONE RINGS

FABIO
I'll get it.
(Into phone)
Good morning Bangers Whistle Holiday Park. Hay Barney, what're you doin up at this hour? No Franco's just left. Yeah, he's starting Friday. Anything I can do? Again? You two are pathetic.

ELWOOD
Trouble with the missus?

EMLYN REACTS

FABIO
(Into phone)
I'll talk to Tommy, he's not in yet. I know, women eh?
(To Elwood)
Where do we keep the staff passes?

ELWOOD
Binbagged?
(Searches out binder)

FABIO
(To Elwood)
Yeah, cheers.
(Into phone)
Got 'em, dunno if it'll be okayed though, we'll do what we can bud. Keep your pecker up, see you at six.
(Hangs up)

ELWOOD
Had enough of him has she?

FABIO
What's her problem? They're not even married.

ELWOOD
Nine years together and two kids, he shouldn't be putting it about.

FABIO
How do you know he is?

ELWOOD
She's called Wendy and she's in 217. I don't know why she keeps taking him back, if it's not this one, it'll be the one from the gym.

FABIO
Three on the go, where does he get the stamina?

ELWOOD
Little blue tablets from Disco.

FABIO
That copper that's been at my coffee.

ELWOOD
Yeah, and he's the supplier of your knock off ciggies. Sells 'em to whatshisname over at the Dirty Duck.

FABIO
Luke buys his ciggies off the law and sells 'em on?

ELWOOD
At a profit, you'd be better going straight to the source, don't they ever come and see Tommy?

FABIO
Don't think so. I bet Luke sticks on fifty pence per pack, the bastard.

ELWOOD
You can't blame him, and it keeps you staff going over there him just having 'em.

FABIO
Well, there aint another pub for miles, I'll bet it's all down to that missus of his.

ELWOOD
Doubt it, he's been divorced six years.

FABIO
He still wears a ring.

ELWOOD
For appearances, when was the last time you saw her?

FABIO
I didn't know, I thought she was just working in the kitchen after that course she did.

ELWOOD
There was no course, just keep a lid on it, not many of us know.

FABIO
Yeah, okay, only if the little shit sells them to me at cost though!

ELWOOD
You're a nasty piece of work you are!

IN RUSHES TOMMY TEMPLE, 43, 5'8, IN FULL UNIFORM, HE HAS BIG EARS AND AN OBVIOUSLY PREVIOUSLY BROKEN NOSE, A SHORT SHAVED GRAY BEARD AND BALDING GREY HAIR. HE IS FEISTY LOOKING.

TOMMY
(Strong scouse accent)
Oi Emlyn, giz a bifter!
(Emlyn hands him a cigarette, which he places directly behind his ear)
Is right!

FABIO
So soft lad, when were you gonna tell me 'bout Kim?

TOMMY
Ye ma!

ELWOOD
Alrigh' Tommy, can ya sort a pass out for Barney, he's been junked.

TOMMY
Again? I'll sort it.
(Nods towards Emlyn)
Has he been behaving?

ELWOOD
Could do with sticking him on a leash, Lonnie left one in the snooker room.

FABIO
I am still here y'know.

TOMMY
Wind yer neck in Fabio! Elwood, aint that your bus?

ELWOOD
Shiiiiit!

ELWOOD GRABS TOGETHER HIS BELONGINGS AND RUNS TOWARD THE BUS STOP.

END OF EPISODE