NEWSCASTER (BILL):
...And I'm afraid we're going to have to cut short that report on the spider who fell out of its web as something even bigger is after happening at Haven Forest. There are reports of....(HOLDS FINGER TO HIS EAR)....havoc and.....commotion up there.
Some reports coming in are saying that half the forest is missing, others say it was an explosion, more say it was something nice that then went bad.
Birds and animals, trees and forestry workers were flung from where they stood. What caused this disaster? We have our reporter Mark up there, Mark....
THERE ARE PEOPLE AND ANIMALS RUNNING IN VARIOUS DIRECTIONS, PANICK-STRICKEN. THE REPORTER MARK LOOKS A STATE. HIS SUIT IT RIPPED AND HAS SCRAPES AND DIRT ALL OVER HIM. HIS HAIR IS A COMPLETE MESS.
MARK:
Hi Bill. (BEAT)
BILL:
W-What happened?
MARK:
Well I'm still trying to find that out it looks-
BILL:
No. What happened to you? Were you caught up in the explosion yourself?
MARK:
No I just got here.
BILL:
How come you're dressed like...nevermind.
MARK:
How come I'm dressed like I was caught up in an explosion. I thought it would build up a rapport with the people who were actually caught in it and therefore get a better interview.
BILL:
And has it worked?
MARK:
N-not exactly no. Look, heres a few clips of a couple of interviews I conducted a few minutes ago.
CUT TO INTERVIEWS:
MARK INTERVIEWING AN ELDERLY WOMAN.
MARK:
What happened to the forest?
ELDERLY WOMAN:
It's....what forest?
MARK INTERVIEWING A MAN IN A SUIT.
MARK:
What happened here?
SUITED MAN:
Aaaa...am lets see....erosion, no....rain, acid rain, no....heat...global warning, warming, no...warming warning...global heating...fluff. Yes fluff...and dung, definitely.
MARK INTERVIEWING A LUMBERJACK.
MARK:
You were working close to where the incident occured. What happened?
LUMBERJACK:
Bloody hell! I've been working here for the last three seasons and I've never seen anything like it! The leaves, (INCREDULOUS)they just started turning brown and then just, just started falling off the trees. Unbelievable!
CUT BACK TO MARK TALKING TO NEWSCASTER BILL.
MARK:
Thats all I've been able to find out so far Bill.
BILL:
You havent found out anything! We need to find out what caused the explosion or whatever it was. Get in there, get in about them. Someone has to know something. Go!
MARK RUNS INTO THE CROWD OF PEOPLE AND PULLS OUT A FOOTBALLER IN FULL FOOTBALL KIT.
MARK:
What happened here? How are you feeling?
FOOTBALLER:
Great, great. I've come in. The boys have been great. It flashed up, I went for the header, next thing I know I'm being stretchered off. Great!
MARK:
What flashed up?
FOOTBALLER:
Great. It was just great.
MARK:
Oh for God sake!
MARK RUNS BACK INTO THE CROWD AND PULLS OUT ANOTHER LUMBERJACK.
MARK:
What happened?
LUMBERJACK:
Big raba cun breee grunabeee.
MARK:
Are you speaking English?
LUMBERJACK:
Yes I am.
MARK:
Well what happened then?
LUMBERJACK:
Cregeeeen gralla frumpquip ninnaby....fapooo.
MARK:
Useless!
A MAN IN HIS 70'S APPROACHES. HE LOOKS LIKE A LECTURER OR HISTORIAN.
HISTORIAN:
(HE FACES THE CAMERA AS IF PRESENTING HIS OWN PROGRAM)
Flying through time we go now to see if anything like this has ever happened here before. A big ball of-
HE COLLAPSES TO THE GROUND CLUTCHING HIS CHEST.
MARK:
Oh for Christ sake!
MARK SEES A HEAVY-SET MAN WHO LOOKS TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING ON THE GROUND. HE IS EATING A BURGER.
MARK:
So what did you see and what are you looking for?
HEAVY-SET MAN:
Sauce. I'm looking for tomato sauce.
MARK:
And what did you see?
HEAVY-SET MAN:
A burger.
MARK:
Okay just...just get lost!
NEWSCASTER BILL:
Mark!! For the love of God will you find out what the hell happened? Our time is just about up!!
MARK DESPERATELY LOOKS AROUND FOR ANYONE TO INTERVIEW. HE CATCHES A SQUIRREL AND PLONKS HIM IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA.
MARK:
Now what happened?
SQUIRREL:
Rrrrr-r-r-r-r-r-r, t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t (THE SQUIRREL POINTS TO WHERE ALL THE COMMOTION IS TAKING PLACE) r-r-r-r-r-r-rrrrrr.
THE SQUIRREL STARES AT THE CAMERA WIDE-EYED FOR A FEW SECONDS. WE THEN CUT BACK TO THE NEWSCASTER.
BILL:
What a sad state of affairs when the interview that made the most sense was given by a squirrel. We're completely out of time and we could not even establish what happened so for no reason at all we are going to leave you with the first words uttered by each interviewee.
ELDERLY WOMAN:
It's...
SUITED MAN:
Aaaa
LUMBERJACK:
Bloody
FOOTBALLER:
Great
LUMERJACK 2:
Big
HISTORIAN:
Flying
HEAVY-SET MAN:
Sauce
SQUIRREL:
Rrrr
END WITH THE SQUIRREL WIDE-EYED STARING AT THE CAMERA.
END.
