Skit Comp 19-26.2.11

Grate stuff so congratulations to JAMES for his win! Get rat-anussed and PM me for next week's topic please.
Hence:
Votes - Points - Name

5 - 10 - James
2 - 5 - Michael Monkhouse
1 - 1 - Shandonbelle, Bushbaby, Alex Mahon
Special mention: Shirl the Whirl, Stephen Birch

Your new subject: THE INTERVIEW
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sex or inside leg measurement, except the kid who used to beat me up at school.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 26.2.11

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

176! - Mr Sunshine
152 - Otterfox
143 - Cool Mikado
140 - Michael Monkhouse
132 - Nigel Kelly
125 - Kasm
112 - Jebsly
108 - Frankie Rage
104 - Timbo
103 - Charley Rance
98 - Fred Peters
80 - Angiebaby
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
60 - Gerry McDonnell
56 - Alex Mahon, Scratchyr
43 - Ishy
37 - Afinkawan
32 - Swerytd, Paul Watson
28 - Leevil
27 - James
26 - Bushbaby, David Chapman
25 - Craig H
24 - Don P. Musey
23 - Roscoff
22 - Blobster
21 - Mikey J
20 - James Harris, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Nil Putters, Cinnamon, Dale
14 - Reg N
13 - Badge, Stephen Birch
12 - Geoff Mutton, Will Cam
11 - Steven
10 - Stephen Goodlad, Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - The Giggle-O, garyd, Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Tumble, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Andy W, losaavedra
02 - Shandonbelle, Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - veedeeplex, Grem, Macca, Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Any ballsups, PM me please.

TV Editors office. Editor and writer are discussing the writer's script.

WRITER
But it's crucial that the lead character is a female.

EDITOR
But that'd mean we can't use David Jason.

WRITER
Ok. But why can't it be set in London?

EDITOR
Oh, darling, we wouldn't have such characters down south. I suggest Manchester.

WRITER
What about the era then? You're saying that it can't work in a futuristic setting.

EDITOR
There are too many sci-fi dramas at present. I suggest we set it in the seventies.

WRITER
And you don't like the idea of it being set in a hospital.

EDITOR
'Fraid not; I think....er....Police would be better.

WRITER
Can we agree on the title I chose? 'Life In The Future'

EDITOR
Well, not now that we've changed the era. I recommend we use, 'Life on Uranus'

Yes, I'm sure that would work.

WRITER
So in effect it's nothing at all as I first wrote it.

EDITOR
That's right. I'd be out of a job otherwise. What else have you written?

WRITER
I've got a cracker for you. Here it is.

EDITOR

But that's just a pile of blank sheets.

WRITER

Exactly,

EDITOR

Oh, right, I'll get to work on it then. See you next week.

Lazy Gaga

STUDIO.

PRESENTER Hi and welcome to 'I Don't Feel like Dancing', the show that gets you feeling like doing just that. Postmodernist irony and all that. Tonight it's my pleasure to introduce the stupendous, superb and strangely scary Lady Gaga!

APPLAUSE.

PRESENTER So Ms Gaga, just what is it that makes you so special?

LADY GAGA Well I'm a slim blonde Yankee, not conventionally beautiful yet crackingly charismatic.

PRESENTER Madonna.

LADY GAGA What?

PRESENTER Madonna did that. Twenty-five years ago.

LADY GAGA Yeah but maybe I had a willy. How many other girlie celebs are rumoured to be blokes?

PRESENTER Fatima Whitbread.

LADY GAGA Then that VMA thing, blood all over the place...

PRESENTER Iggy Pop.

LADY GAGA Shut up. I worked with Beyoncé - big busty dark babe with spindly blonde bimbo...

PRESENTER Pepsi and Shirlie.

LADY GAGA Then the ad, participating in capitalism whilst seeming to be above it...

PRESENTER Spice Girls.

LADY GAGA Look last week I fell over in front of the Paparazzi.

PRESENTER Blur's Graham Coxon at the height of Britpop.

LADY GAGA All right, the 'Paparazzi' vid. Accident victim struggles to its feet, half-humanoid half-robotoid yet interspersed with eroticism...

PRESENTER J G Ballard, 'Crash'.

LADY GAGA Oh bugger it.

She beats him up, stomps off.

PRESENTER Grace Jones.

MAN being interviewed by WOMAN.

WOMAN
So, can you speak any foreign languages?

MAN
I know four.

WOMAN
Four? Really? German, Italian, what?

MAN
No no. None of those. I just know 'four'.

WOMAN
What do you mean?

MAN
Its golf for 'Watch your head.'

WOMAN
But, that's just a sports term.

MAN
Sorry love.

WOMAN
You shouldn't call me love, that's very disre--

MAN
No, I'm sorry I know more. 'Love', its tennis for nothing.

WOMAN
Let's move on shall we? How many years did you spend in your previous job.

MAN
Four.

A book falls down from a shelf above and hits woman in the head.

MAN
I warned you.

WOMAN
I thought you were answering the question. Now how many years were you in your previous job.

MAN
Four.

WOMAN braces herself for something to hit her in the head. After a moment she looks relieved and turns back to MAN.

WOMAN
So four ye--

Another book hits WOMAN in the head.

MAN
I warned you again.

WOMAN
Just answer the question.

MAN
(shouts alarmed)
Four!

WOMAN jumps down panicked. MAN looks confused.

MAN
Oh, did you think I was speaking golf that time. I'm sorry, I can see how that could be confusing.

WOMAN looks annoyed and sits back in her seat.

WOMAN
Quite.

MAN
That's the trouble with being bilingual.

WOMAN
How much were you being paid in your last job.

MAN
Love.

WOMAN looks confused.

WOMAN
Oh, they were paying you nothing?

MAN
Who in their right mind would work for nothing? I worked for love.

WOMAN
Love?

MAN
Yes, the boss would hug us all at the start of the work day. Give us a kiss at lunch and a tender handshake at the end of the day.

WOMAN
I see.

MAN
If we performed well our we'd get a handjob at Christmas.

WOMAN
Well, that certainly isn't the sort of pay scale you'd be on here.

MAN
Well, I'd be fine with a titty wank, rimjob, whatever you have to offer.

WOMAN
Actually we pay money.

MAN looks disappointed.

MAN
Hmm...

WOMAN
Look Mr. Pinsky, I don't think this is going to work out.

MAN stands up, looking resigned.

MAN
C'est la vie. La vie ne fonctionne pas toujours comme nous attendons qu'elle. Au revoir.

MAN looks back at WOMAN as he leaves.

MAN
Quatre.

MAN goes out door. WOMAN looks surprised and bemused. A book falls on WOMAN's head.

I saw there was a vacancy working at my local butchers - I thought to myself , I can fillet

I got the job; although I told a few porkies in the interview.

It went well for a while - in fact it was a crackling little job!

...but I ended up getting the chop.

It was my own fault, I was always ribbing the boss; but he was a proper old ham and he really grinded on me.

Eventually I just didn't feel like I had a steak in the job anymore!

He finally sacked me after catching me out the back with a joint.

I was really worried about losing the wage - it was offal!

I asked "Am I entitled to redundancy pay?"

"Not a sausage!" he smirked.

I finally told him what a nugget he was and said sirloin and farewell

He raised his big ham hock in my face and told me to burger off

He said; "You come back here and I'll turn ya into mincemeat!"

But I had the last laugh!

One night I met up with his wife , she came back to mine, unzipped my chipolata and let me have a lamb shank all over her rump.

(sorry!)

I am utterly confused at asda's interviewing policy. I have known many decent people going for an interview and they all get rejected for different reasons and all of them say that the interviews ar really difficult. I don't know how then that all the asda's staff look like rejected applicants of the jeremy kyle show. ASDA happy to help..... retards get a job. To be fair the interview could be broken down to 3 questions. Can you count. Can you string together a full sentance and can you let somebody pass your till without talking utter shite if the answer to any of these is yes you would not be suitable to work in asda. Oh actually lets ask the last question what colur crayon is your favourite.

INT. OFFICE.

TWO MIDDLE AGED WHITE MEN, MARTIN AND CLIVE, ARE INTERVIEWING A BLACK WOMAN.

MARTIN
Thank you, we'll be getting in touch.

THE WOMAN STANDS, SUPPORTING HERSELF ON A CRUTCH. SHE SHAKES HANDS WITH BOTH OF THEM AND LEAVES.

MARTIN
Well she certainly ticked all the right boxes.

CLIVE
Yessss....

MARTIN
Double first from Oxford. Superb references.

CLIVE
But don't you think she's perhaps... over qualified?

MARTIN
Clive, I know how you feel about working with women...

CLIVE
Not at all. I'm all for the ladies.

MARTIN
Then let's not beat about about the bush, it's because she's black, isn't it?

CLIVE
Martin, how can you say that? Some of my closest friends are "of colour".

MARTIN
It's not because she's disabled is it? Because we can make adjustments...

CLIVE
Don't you think she is just a bit, well, butch?

MARTIN
Oh come on Clive, this is the 21st Century...

CLIVE
But think about it Martin... a black... one-legged... lesbian. How is that going to look?

MARTIN
You mean people will think we only appointed her because...

CLIVE
Quite.

MARTIN (TRUCULANTLY)
But she really is the best person for the job!

CLIVE
Yes Martin, but so were all the others!

A BUTCH LOOKING ONE-LEGGED BLACK WOMAN ENTERS.

WOMAN
Would you like to see the next applicant now?

END.

INT. DAY: LOONEY BIN OFFICE. AN EVALUTION PANEL OF THREE DOCTORS IS CONDUCTING PATIENT INTERVIEWS TO ASSESS THEIR SUITABILITY FOR RELEASE.
MALE PATIENT - BILL BOARD - IS ANSWERING QUESTIONS:

DR. SUSSEM LEADS THE QUESTIONING:
Please relax Mr Board, there are just a few questions and then it will all be over. Are you ready?

BILL BOARD: Er... I think so.

Dr. SUSSEM: How are your eyes?

BILL BOARD: Er... OK, I think

Dr. SUSSEM: How many people are in this room?

BILL BOARD SLOWLY COUNTS THE MEMBERS OF THE PANEL:
Three... but with me it's four.

DR SUSSEM CONFERS WITH THE OTHER TWO DOCS.
Very good, Mr Board.
Now be so kind as to cover your left eye with one of your hands.

BILL BOARD DOES AS INSTRUCTED

DR SUSSEM:
What can you see with the eye that's covered by your hand?

BILL BOARD: Black, I can see black.

ONE OF THE PANEL MEMBERS WHISPERS IN Dr SUSSEM'S EAR.

DR SUSSEM:
Very good Mr Board, and if you can see black what does that mean?

BILL BOARD: S'pose it means I'm half blind, don't it?

DR SUSSEM: Excellent, truly very excellent. And what can you see if you
cover both of your eyes?

BILL BOARD COVERS BOTH EYES: Black, I can only see black.

THE THIRD DOCTOR WHISPERS IN Dr SUSSEM'S EAR:

DR SUSSEM: And if you can only see black, Mr Board, what does that mean?

BILL BOARD: Er... S'pose it means I'm totally blind, don't it?

THE PANEL GET THEIR HEADS TOGETHER AND CONFER.

Dr SUSSEM: We are truly delighted to inform you that you have responded
to our questions with adequate accuracy. You are free to return home,
Mr Board. Could you please send in the next patient as you leave.

BILL BOARD EXITS THE OFFICE:
Your turn Harry. Rememeber the answers are OK; 4; half blind; and totally
blind. See you in the pub.

HARRY ENTERS THE OFFICE. UNDER HIS BREATH HE REPEATEDLY MUTTERS: OK, FOUR,
HALF BLIND, TOTALLY BLIND...:

Dr SUSSEM CHECKS HIS NOTES: Ah, Harry Lumplip, good to see you. Just a few easy
questions and you can be on your way. How are your eyes, Mr Lumplip?

HARRY: Er... OK?

Dr SUSSEM: Good, very good. And how many eyes do you have?

HARY LUMLIP: Er... four?

Dr SUSSEM CONFERS WITH THE TWO OTHER DOCTORS:
Interesting answer Mr Lumlip, Why do you think you have four eyes!?

HARRY LOOKS DEFEATED, THEN FISHES IN HIS POCKETS, PULLS OUT A PAIR OF SPECS.
AND GRINS AT THE PANEL.

Dr SUSSEM: Nicely done, Harry. For a moment there, we thought you had the
wrong answer.

Dr SUSSEM CONFERS WITH THE OTHER TWO DOCOTORS:
Well, Harry, that wasn't the right answer but it shows you have a
sense of humour, and that's a truly positive attribute.
Please cover your left eye with one of your hands.

HARRY COVERS HIS EYE.

Dr SUSSEM: And what do you see with the eye that's covered, Harry?

HARRY LUMPLIP: Buggerall, I'm half bind, ain't I.

THE PANEL ALL SMILE. HARRY'S DOING GREAT.

Dr SUSSEM: And what would you be if you didn't have ears?

HARRY LUMPLIP LOOKS CONCERNED: Err... totally blind?

THE PANEL EXCHANGE QUESTIONING GLANCES.

Dr SUSSEM: Fascinating Harry. Truly fascinating. And why would having no ears
Make you blind?

HARRY THINKS FOR A MOMENT, GRINS, AND VICTORIOUSLY PUNCHES THE AIR:
Cos' me hat'd fall over me eyes!

COURT ROOM

JUDGE: You say in your statement that you have never held a driving licence,is this correct?

ACCUSED: Yes Sir, but that's because..

JUDGE: YES or NO?

ACCUSED: Yes Sir

JUDGE: You also state you have never had any formal driving lessons, correct?

ACCUSED: Yes sir, well you see Sir..

JUDGE: YES or NO?

ACCUSED: Yes Sir

JUDGE: Now, at the time prior to the incident, a witness observed you waving manically out of your car window, is this correct?

ACCUSED: Er yes, you see I was waving at my friend Tess because..

JUDGE: YES or NO?

ACCUSED: Yes Sir, but you see a gust of wind blew my hat off and I..

JUDGE: SILENCE I SAY..another witness stated they saw you hurtling through the town centre at some considerable speed....do you deny this?

ACCUSED: Well, no sir , I mean yes Sir, you see my brakes wouldnt work, someone played a prank..Im sure of..

JUDGE: A prank you say??

ACCUSED: Yes Sir, you see it was Halloween night and I looked out my window to see two Goblins laughing and running away from my car, they..

JUDGE: Goblins eh?? Lets move on, so after hurtling through town, waving to all and sundry, you go ploughing into the Town Hall, is that not correct?

ACCUSED: Well yes Sir,but only because I swerved to avoid the skittles in the middle of the road...

JUDGE: ENOUGH..the evidence before me is damning, and your defence a blatant work of fiction...Noddy of Toyland, I order you to be imprisioned at Her Majesty's Pleasure..Take him down

INT. POLICE INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY

A POLICEMAN IS QUESTIONING A SUSPECT, A SECOND COPPER IS STANDING IN THE CORNER

COP 1:
Tell us where the little girl is!

SUSPECT:
I keep telling you, you've got the wrong guy.

COP 1:
Don't come that with me you slag, I'll chop your f**king balls off!

THE SECOND POLICEMAN COMES OVER

COP 2:
Calm down John, why don't you take a break, I'll take it from here.

THE FIRST COPPER GOES TO ATTACK THE SUSPECT, BUT THE NICE COPPER BLOCKS HIM.

COP 1 (to the suspect):
You'd better pray you don't see me again, you f**king scumbag.

THE FIRST COP LEAVES THE INTERVIEW ROOM, THE SUSPECT IS SHAKING.

COP 2:
Sorry about that, my colleague has a little girl of his own, so he's understandably upset.

THE SUSPECT NODS

COP 2:
Cigarette?

THE COPPER PASSES THE SUSPECT A CIGARETTE, THEN LIGHTS IT

COP 2:
I'll make you a deal. Just tell me where the little girl is, and I'll do everything in my power to help you.

SUSPECT (breaking down):
She's in the basement of an abandoned house, 81 West Street.

THE COPPER STORMS OUT OF THE INTERVIEW ROOM

CUT TO THE GOOD COP ARRIVING BACK TO THE INTERVIEW ROOM

COP 2:
It's all sorted. Let's get you out of here and I'll buy you a beer.

SUSPECT:
You really are a good 'un.

THE GOOD COP WINKS

INT. BRAD'S editors' OFFICE - DAY

COOPER - BRAD'S EDITOR - is sat at a lavish wooden table covered in leather-bound books. A young man - Zac, his sexually-ambiguious muse; twenty y/o, blank-faced, dressed in high fashion - sits on the edge.

SFX: Knock at the door.

COOPER
Enter.

BRAD enters, nervously sits on a seat.

COOPER (CONT.)
You can stand.

BRAD
I can...?

COOPER stares at BRAD until BRAD stands.

COOPER
How have you been, Bradley?

BRAD
I've been well thanks and--

COOPER
Before you answer...

BRAD
Okay...

COOPER
Meet Zac.

COOPER signals to ZAC, who continues to stare into the middle distance.

BRAD
Zac?

ZAC snaps his head towards BRAD.

BRAD flinches backwards.

COOPER
(chuckling)
Ohh... Don't mind Zac, he's just grumpy when he skips drunch.

ZAC snaps out at arm, extended to shake BRAD's hand.

BRAD
(bemused)
Uh-huh...

BRAD belatedly reaches out to ZAC, who quickly recoils his arm as soon as their fingers touch.

ZAC snaps gaze quickly from BRAD, once more.

BRAD
(sotto)
What the f**k?

ZAC slaps a pen off the table.

COOPER
Zac! (to BRAD) Sorry, Brad - what did you say?

BRAD
(quick)
Nothing. What did you want to see me for?

COOPER pokes ZAC in the ribs.

COOPER
Go break open a Diet Coke, Zacary.

ZAC looks at COOPER - heartbroken - then to BRAD - aggressive - before skulking out.

COOPER (CONT.)
Sorry about him. Family friend. Neighbour. Took him in when he was young, he's become far too attached; not what I had in mind when I first got involved but you know how it is, don't you Bradley?

BRAD
Uh-huh...

COOPER
Now - back to your story. Wonderful prose it were. I was worried it could have been too flowery but upon further study, I saw how the words fit together; together to pastiche that which it first appears to be. You might be too clever for our readers, Bradley!

BRAD
(happy, relieved)
Oh yeah? That's excellent. I was worried that--

ZAC moves outside the office window to glower at BRAD, jealous.

COOPER clears his throat - embarrassed - before closing the blinds; only for ZAC to drop to a low stance and peer through a tiny gap at the bottom of the window pane.

BRAD looks nervously from ZAC to COOPER, and back again.

BRAD
Is he...?

COOPER
Gay? I'm not sure what business that is off--

BRAD
What? No. I mean, is he okay?

COOPER
(nervous)
Oh... yes. Yes.

BRAD
He looks like Hannibal looking through those prison bars peering through that blind.

COOPER laughs nervously.

BRAD (CONT.)
He isn't going to throw semen at me is he?

COOPER
I'll be honest with you and say the odds are around fifty-fifty but alas - I brought you in to discuss work and discuss work we shall!

BRAD
Great.

COOPER
Would you like to work with us?

BRAD
(quick)
Yes.

COOPER
Good. That's settled then.

BRAD looks around the room, literally searching for somethinge else to say.

Finally -

BRAD
Is that all?

COOPER
Yes.

BRAD
Good.

BRAD gets up to leave and turns to notice ZAC standing toe-to-toe with him behind the office window pane.

BRAD
(quietly, to COOPER)
How did he get that blind open from outside the window?

COOPER
I'm not sure, but perhaps it's best if you take the back way.

BRAD
(sotto)
That's how it starts, is it?

COOPER
(not listening)
Hmm?

BRAD
Oh, nothing.

BRAD doesn't take his eyes off ZAC as he side-steps out of the other door.

1. EXT. OUTSIDE BY A PARK THERE IS A CHIP VAN. A MAN IN A SUIT (SAM) APPROACHES THE VAN. A LARGE SWEATY MAN (MR CHIP) WITH A STAINED TOP, EYES HIM UP AND DOWN AND WALKS OVER TO HIM. HE EXTENDS HIS HAND

MR CHIP:
You must be Sam? Pleased to meet you.

SAM SMILES AT MR CHIP BUT HE KEEPS SHAKING HIS HAND

MR CHIP:
So you want to work in my chip van? You've got soft hands Sam. You any idea what raw potato does to your skin Sam?

SAM:
Erm, no I don't

MR CHIP:
Old friend of mine, worked the chip circuit for 50 years. Had to have both his hands amputated. Got them replaced with spatulas so he could carry on working. Still interested Sam?

SAM CONFIDENTLY NODS HIS HEAD. MR CHIPS QUICKLY FIRES SOME QUESTIONS.

MR CHIP:
Burger or sausage? Pickled or frittered? Simon or Garfunkel? Cat or budgie?

SAM RUNS THROUGH A MNEMONIC UNDER HIS BREATH.

SAM:
Spicy - food - stinging - bunghole. Got it. Sausage. Frittered. Simon. Budgie.

MR CHIP LETS GO OF SAM'S HAND AND SMILES

MR CHIP:
I like you Sam. You remind me of my granddad when he was younger and before he caught gout off a toilet seat. But are you the sort of man who can cope with pressure? Do you thrive on it? Do you take it out for dinner, then make clumsy, hungry, love to it? Do you Sam?

SAM:
I guess I'm ok with pressure.

MR CHIP NODS HIS HEAD

MR CHIP:
Lets do a bit of role play. I'm jack the lad and I've just left the pub. I've got my fish and chips and I'm showing off.

MR CHIP PRETENDS TO EAT HIS FISH AND CHIPS. HE'S DANCING AND SPINNING AROUND LIKE AN EXTRA FROM GLEE

MR CHIP:
I see some girls. Hey I'm not going to eat fish like a square. I'm going to pick it up to drop it into my mouth like a grape eating Roman emperor. But it slips and lands on my face.

MR CHIP FALLS TO THE GROUND HOLDING HIS FACE

MR CHIP:
F**king noooo. Oh God. I've got fish face burns. Help me.

SAM CRADLES MR CHIP AS HE LIES ON THE GROUND

SAM:
It's ok, I'm here, I've called an ambulance. The local hospital has a serious burns unit that offers in-patient face transplants.

MR CHIP:
Thank you Sam. I know I'll never be pretty again Sam, but I've got real beauty inside me Sam.

SAM STROKES MR CHIPS HAIR

SAM:
Ssshhh. I'm here. You don't need to explain.

MR CHIP:
Sam, I need to know. Please don't lie to me. Are you planning on seeing anyone else?

SAM:
I've got interviews with Chip Van Winkle and The CodFather.

MR CHIP (sounding weak):
Ok Sam I understand, thank you for your honesty. Everything is getting dark, I'm going into shock. Quick, have you any questions?

SAM:
Will I be expected to work weekends?

MR CHIP CLOSES HIS EYES AND WHISPERS VERY QUIETLY. SAM CAN'T HEAR AND HE GETS CLOSER UNTIL SAM'S EAR IS RIGHT NEXT TO HIS MOUTH

MR CHIP:
Every other weekend. I'll let you know if you've got the job by post.

Also, it's my first time at this so... how does the voting system work?

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM. DAY

MAN (BRIAN) IS SITTING ONE SIDE OF A TABLE. A POLICEMAN SITS DOWN ON THE OTHER SIDE AND SWITCHES ON A TAPE RECORDER

PC
Interview with Brian Biggleswade, August 5th, 9:15. Okay, Brian - you say you didn't assault this Mrs Peebles.

BRIAN
No - I was just standing next to the little old lady when a kid came up and attacked her.

PC
Mhmm. So, at any point during this frenzied assault did you think about stepping in? I mean - how old was he? How tall?

BRIAN
Must have been 10 or 11. Tricky to say how tall really - he was sitting down

PC
Sitting down?

BRIAN
Yes, but I'd recognise the squeak his wheelchair made if I ever heard it again. I've great hearing...

PC
Wheelch...? You didn't stop him; you can't describe him, yet he was sitting in a wheelchair?

BRIAN
Well, things got a little hazy. You know, my eyes kind of deteriorate when I change.

PC
Change? Change what - out of your trousers 'cos you've shat yourself?

BRIAN
No, I'm a s...

PC
A what - a scaredy-cat? Why didn't you just call for help?

BRIAN
I'd have felt a little foolish. You see... I'm - I'm a Superhero and I was in the process of giving chase.

PC (ALMOST FALLS OFF THE CHAIR LAUGHING)
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Giving chase - and you couldn't catch a disabled kid in a wheelchair! And you reckon you're a Superhero? Twat!

BRIAN
You don't get it - do you? Clarke Kent, Peter Parker, all superheroes have alliterative names

PC
Right, of course - Brian Bigglesworth. Can't believe I missed that

BRIAN
Exactly - the most powerful of us also go out with newspaper reporters who have alliterative names, too - like Lois Lane, Vicki Vale...

PC LOOKS AT HIS NOTES

PC
And you're present girlfriend is one Nora Nelsgrove, sub-editor on Births and Obits at the Carshalton Echo.

BRIAN (GROWING IN CONFIDENCE)
Beginning to get the picture?

PC
So, who are you - Bystander man?

BRIAN (GRIPPING THE DESK TRYING TO CONTROL HIS ANGER)
Don't push me - I'm serious!

PC
What are you going to do asphyxiate me by cacking yourself in this confined space?

SUDDENLY BRIAN BEGINS SHAKING UNCONTROLLABLY AND STARTS SPINNING AROUND, GETTING SLOWER AND SLOWER AS HE SUDDENLY MORPHS INTO HALF-MAN, HALF-ANIMAL WITH A MUDDY GREEN CAPE AND WILD FUR

PC
What the f**k?

BRIAN (AS HE BEGINS MOVING VERY SLOWLY TOWARDS THE WALL)
I warned you

PC
You look like a kind of a... help me out here. Biggleswade. Are you a Kuala or... sloth?

BRIAN (LOOKING OVER HIS SHOULDER MENACINGLY)
That's righ, sucker! I'm Sloth man!

BRIAN STARTS TO CLIMB THE WALL PAINFULLY SLOWLY USING HIS NEWLY ACQUIRED TALONS

PC
Never heard of you.

BRIAN STOPS FOR A SECOND - THE DIFFERENCE IN SPEED IS ALMOST IMPERCEPTIBLE

BRIAN
Well, I admit DC Thompson Magazines haven't exactly beaten a path to my door to chronicle my feats. But I can only play the hand I'm dealt.

PC
Huh - not much of a hand with only three toes. (sighs) Okay, bugger off. You're of no use to me.

THE PC SWITCHES OFF THE TAPE AND WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM

BRIAN (CALLING AFTER HIM MOCKINGLY)
Ha! I was making my escape anyway

SUDDENLY AS HE REACHES THE CEILING, HE MORPHS BACK TO HIMSLEF AND CRASHES TO THE FLOOR

BRIAN
Aagh. Oooh, bollocks. Help officer, I think I've done me back in again.

END

INTERVIEWER -
Well, that nearly concludes the interview - have you got any questions for me?

CANDIDATE -
Yes, when can I start?

INTERVIEWER -
Oooh, you're jumping the gun a bit there! I will be contacting all candidates in the next couple of days to let you know if you're successful.

CANDIDATE -
I haven't got it, have I?

INTERVIEWER -
I'm sorry, I cannot comment further at this stage.

CANDIDATE -
You don't like me, do you?

INTERVIEWER -
That doesn't come into it.

CANDIDATE -
Oh, so you don't like me then! Is it because I've got one eye bigger than the other?

INTERVIEWER -
I hadn't even noticed.

CANDIDATE -
People never like it if you're not symmetrical. Well, for your information, you've got one enormous nostril and one teeny weeny nostril, so stick that in your pipe and smoke it!

THE INTERVIEWER GASPS AND COVERS HIS NOSE WITH HIS HAND.

INTERVIEWER -
Oh my God, what is it with you people? Why does everyone think they can pick on my nose?

CANDIDATE -
Oh, not just me then?

INTERVIEWER -
No, you're the third one this morning. (HE ANGRILY PRESSES A BUTTON ON HIS DESK, THE CANDIDATE'S CHAIR TIPS BACKWARDS, A TRAPDOOR OPENS AND THE CANDIDATE FALLS THROUGH. HIS CRIES FADE AWAY AS HE PLUMMETS TO HIS DEATH. THE INTERVIEWER RESETS THE TRAPDOOR).

INTERVIEWER - (SPEAKING INTO INTERCOM)
Okay Mrs Lovett, send in the next candidate please.