Epic, epic fail when I couldn't think of an angle on anything...
Dan
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UNCLE MILES
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MILES:
Now, every news outlet has their own problem page, and Newsjack are no exception. I take your issues and provide a no-mess solution. So, here we go: 'Issues and Tissues with Uncle Miles'!
GRAMS: MUSIC FROM 'THE GALLERY' ON TONY HART'S PROGRAMMES
MILES:
First up, a letter from Jeremy of Oxfordshire.
CLARKSON:
Dear Uncle Miles, I can't help but offend everyone every time I open my ridiculous, big, fat mouth. My two minions laugh along, scared of my power and afraid they will be fired. This actually makes them worse than me. However, I only want to be liked. That's why I said these things in the first place. (CRIES) What can I do?
MILES:
Well, Jeremy, it sounds to me like you have far too much testosterone flowing through your system. Chill out a bit, by giving up meat and cut rage by purchasing one of those wonderful electric vehicles. And why not take a lovely holiday somewhere... like Mexico or Wales. If you must have an outlet for your feelings, why not join Greenpeace and campaign against global warning. It is a thing, you know.
Next, is James from MI6. He says:
BOND:
Dear Uncle Miles, recently I have found life a little too difficult to deal with. My next assignment has been on-off-on again and this is proving extremely hard to take. I'm not sure I can cope with it anymore, as my predecessors dealt with the onset of age, by becoming camp to a level I daren't approach. Can you help?
MILES:
Well, of course, James, if that is indeed your real name. Ahaha! We all move on in life eventually and need assistance. Why not get yourself a butler to help out a bit? He can make the supper whilst you work out which of those expressions make you look less like a pillock. Build yourself a Bondcave too, and then you'll be exactly like Batman, like you want to be really.
Our final letter this week, comes from Ann, of Northampton. She writes:
ANN:
(OLD) Dear Uncle Miles, I try my best to uphold standards in my local area, but no-one seems to care anymore. Only last week I chased off six robbers with my handbag. Luckily they didn't hit back. I mean lucky for them, as I was packing an Uzi 9mm in there and would have blown them to smithereens. But how do I improve society?
MILES:
Well, Ann. That's certainly a big question. But your Uncle Miles has the answer. Why not become a mafia don? Northampton doesn't have one, certainly not officially, and you'll get respect from literally everyone once you've asserted your own brand of justice across the county. By creating a criminal underworld for the area, you'll be automatically make more social bands. As you rise to Kingpin, you can simply tell them all to be better. Or you'll cut their legs off.
Well, I think that's enough problems for this week. I certainly can't solve everyone's problems at once; I mean, who would write?
END
