How Much!- Sketch

Another topical sketch.

EXT. CALLBOX. NIGHT.

A MAN IS MAKING A TELEPHONE CALL FROM A CALLBOX. HE LOOKS VERY SUSPICIOUS. WE CANNOT HEAR THE ANSWERS, ONLY THE NOISE OF A REPLY.

Caller
Are you available out of hours?

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Good good

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No, I’m calling from a pay phone. I was wondering if I could see you tonight? Is that possible?

…….

You can, that’s great. Would I have to come to you my place or can I come to yours?

…….

How far would you be prepared to go then? All the way?

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Oh I see not that far.

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I need to see you as soon as poss.

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Okay then, I’ll come to your place. It’s much more discreet isn’t it? Nice nice.

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By the way, how much?

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Twenty quid for a half hour session! I was hoping for something a little cheaper.

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Yeah, I’ll pay. I really want to see you.

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See you at midnight then.

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Yes thank you Doctor.

You're a sketch machine!

So is that innocently asking for a Doctor or is it something kinky?

It's supposed to be a humourous comment on the fact that Drs are charging for out of hours surgeries.

Right I see, yeah pretty good, maybe you could work in some more innuendoes?

Loved it!

The trouble I had with this one was that the lines:

You can, that’s great. Would I have to come to you my place or can I come to yours?

…….

How far would you be prepared to go then? All the way?

……

Oh I see not that far.

……

I need to see you as soon as poss.

……

Okay then, I’ll come to your place. It’s much more discreet isn’t it? Nice nice.

... are only emphasising the seedy aspects of the set-up!

By the time we get to the 'Doctor' revelation it's all a bit too late on in!

Just my opinion!

I felt that I had to build the story a bit to lead you to the prostitute conclusion. If it was too early in the conversation, then readers may draw other conclusions other than the one intended.

Overall, this is a very succinct take on current news. However, I think losaavedra makes a very valid point but at the end of the day, as the writer, you have to go with your own gut feeling. So look at it again tomorrow with a fresh set of eyes, amend it or not, then send it off to News Revue and Treason. What have you got to lose.

I read it earlier and thought it was OK.

However I've just read it again with your explanation and I understand.

Sorry to be a bit thick or not really with it. Maybe you could remove the first line about "out of hours". Not necessary there really.

As prostitutes don't have strict 9-to-5s, David's right in that the 'out of hours' line may mislead from your original intention of decieving the viewer. But a good sketch, as Baumsli suggests, send it to NewsRevue and TTS.

Thanks guys. I made a few changes. I cut out the "out of hours" and removed one or two other lines.

I thought it was quite good. Had a similar style to something that the 'Not The Nine O'Clock News' team would have thought up.

Maybe as part of the build up you could have more lines to suggest that its an illicit meeting. Perhaps something like:

"Well that sounds a little painful, but I'm ok with pain"