Toilet humour. Apologies.
INT. MCHUIL'S BAR - DAY
IN MCHUIL'S BAR A SCATTERING OF REGULARS SIP MOURNFULLY AT THEIR AFTERNOON REFRESHMENTS AS MCHUIL, PROPRIETOR AND SOLE BARMAN, CLEANS GLASSES.
A YOUNG WOMAN EMERGES FROM THE LADIES BATHROOM.
FEMALE PATRON
Excuse me.
MCHUIL
Yes, miss. What can I get you?
FEMALE PATRON
I was just about to use your facilities but I noticed there's no toilet paper in there.
MCHUIL
That's right, miss. We keep it behind the bar. Out of temptation's reach of those who think it's funny... (SHOUTS AIMLESSLY INTO THE BAR) ...to see me up to my knees in toilet water, I'll catch you yet, you scoundrel!
MCHUIL GLARES AT NO-ONE IN PARTICULAR BEFORE SMILING AT THE FEMALE PATRON ONCE MORE.
FEMALE PATRON
Right. Only I really need to...
PAUSE.
MCHUIL SMILES OBLIVIOUSLY.
FEMALE PATRON
You know... I need to... in the ladies.
PAUSE
MCHUIL
Oh! You need to take a huge dump?
THE ENTIRE BAR TURNS TO LOOK AT THE FEMALE PATRON.
MCHUIL
And you'd like some toilet paper to absorb any after effects?
FEMALE PATRON
Yes. As soon as possible. Thank you.
MCHUIL
Certainly, miss. How many squares?
FEMALE PATRON
Squares?
MCHUIL
How many squares of toilet paper do you estimate will be required... post movement?
SHE LOOKS BLANKLY
MCHUIL
One?
FEMALE PATRON
More, probably.
MCHUIL
Will two suffice? Or maybe it's a three sheeter? I've had few of those in my time. I remember this one in particular - it had the girth of a pint glass - oh, and tenacious - it would not flush. (SHOUTS TO SOMEONE AT THE OTHER END OF THE BAR) Do you remember that one, Charlie?
CHARLIE LOOKS UP FROM HIS DRINK, LAUGHS AND NODS.
MCHUIL
In the end, I had to break its back with the ice tongs. Sad, really...
FEMALE PATRON
That's... unpleasant. I don't usually measure my use of toilet paper in terms of squares.
MCHUIL
No?
FEMALE PATRON
No, more like yards.
MCHUIL
Now, just hang on a second there, missy. We've just had the ladies decorated so if you've got trouble with the nozzle on the basement pump--
FEMALE PATRON
What? No, I don't have... that, what I do have is a very desperate need so if you could, please, just give me the roll?
MCHUIL EYES THE FEMALE PATRON UP AND DOWN WARILY.
MCHUIL
Alright. Just this once.
FEMALE PATRON
Oh, thank you!
THE BARMAN HANDS OVER THE ROLL. THE FEMALE PATRON TAKES IT BUT AS SHE MOVES FROM THE BAR SHE FINDS THE TOILET ROLL IS ATTACHED TO A LONG HEAVY CHAIN WHICH DRAGS NOISILY ALONG THE FLOOR.
MCHUIL
And before you get any ideas, those windows are locked!
END
