Expect this topic was a crowded field - here's my non-runner (warning: includes at least one incredibly old joke)
Dateline Egypt: A Newsjack Special
Miles:
In this age of dumbing down and tabloid headlines packed with soaps and filth, we here at Newsjack miss quality news programmes - and not in a good way, like George Michael missing pedestrians, but in a bad way with serious consequences on the nation, like Kate Middleton missing her pill. Our response is a Newsjack Special - "Dateline: Egypt".
[FX Serious fast current affairs fanfare style music in the background for the remainder of the sketch, which is delivered at speed]
Announcer [deep voice, with seriousness and gravitas]:
Dateline: Egypt!
Miles:
North Africa in turmoil. We take an expert look at recent events, with unique insight and informed analysis of the serious issues, getting to the bottom of how a nation of camel drivers got the hump.
Announcer:
Dateline: Egypt!
Miles:
With me is Professor Sebastian Double-Barrelled, leading expert on Islamic studies. Professor Double-Barrelled, what insight can you give on the current crisis in the Islamic world?
Sebastian Double-Barrelled:
I think it is crucially important not to stereotype Muslims as intolerant extremists.
Miles:
Well, no, else they'd put a fatwa on us.
Sebastian Double-Barrelled:
Exactly.
Announcer:
Dateline: Egypt!
Miles
Unrest grew quickly into rioting....
Mubarak:
Where have the rioters reached?
Mubarak aide
They are in Tahrir Square, Excellency
Mubarak:
Is that near?
Mubarak aide
About a stone's throw away.
[FX: whistle and dull thud]
Mubarak:
Ouch!
Announcer:
Dateline: Egypt!
Miles:
Then came stories that Mubarak had sworn in a new cabinet
Mubarak:
Let's see the [Fx: expletive bleep]-ers find me in here!
Announcer:
Dateline: Egypt!
Miles:
As the political map was in danger of melting like a Pyramint Chocolate left out in the desert until it sphynx, in the chaos it was down to the British government to take a lead on foreign policy. David Cameron outlined his policies to a waiting world.
Cameron (emphasising every use of the word "change"):
We are the party for change. We were elected because of our pledges on change. We stand for change... lasting change... real change. This is why when first we supported the protestors, we changed. We started supported the president - but then we changed again. We changed once more after that, to just supporting "a democratic process" and finally we changed to supporting whoever ultimately wins it provided they don't find the bombs - but that could still change.
Announcer:
Dateline: Egypt!
Miles:
Professor Double-Barrelled. First Tunisia rolled over. Now Egypt in a pickle. Tuna rolls? Eggs whipped? Pickle? Is it any coincidence that it sounds like a Ploughman's Lunch?
Sebastian Double-Barrelled:
That...er...
Miles:
Who's next? Turkey? The Maltesers?
Sebastian Double-Barrelled:
Well...er.....
Miles:
Should we in Britain be worried? Cheddar? The people of Sandwich?
Announcer:
Dateline: Egypt!
Chirpy Egyptian voice (in the telephone dating advert style):
Would you like to meet rioters just like you? They are in your area, waiting for your call now.
[FX serious music concludes]
