swerytd
Monday 21st March 2011 11:48am
Guildford
7,542 posts
Quote: KLRiley @ March 17 2011, 5:16 PM GMT
Nick Clegg claimed that the LibDems own the freehold of the centre ground of politics. He failed to mention that they had sold the leasehold for 30 pieces of silver for next five years.
Like this
Quote: radiat10n @ March 17 2011, 5:20 PM GMT
Pompous man: Don't see why that chap got let off his library fine after returning something 30 years late...they should've thrown the book at him!
Miles: Iran now look set to attend the London Olympics after all, despite having expressed anger that the Olympics 2012 logo resembled the word 'Zion'. To be fair they did have a point, although other words the logo resembles more than '2012' itself include Zoom, Martian and indefatigable.
These are very Newsjack in tone so hitting the right marks there!
Quote: 3songsnoflash @ March 17 2011, 5:41 PM GMT
Tickets for the Olympic games went on sale this week, at prices of up to £725 for the 100 metres final. That's a lot to pay for a few seconds of sweaty huffing and puffing, as Silvio Berlusconi may have discovered recently if the accusations prove to be true.
The only thing I watch on TV is Midsomer Murders, so I'm going to save money by buying a black and white TV. Even that's too much, just the white will do.
Top one -- ace! I LOLed. Second one has something too.
Quote: Ishy @ March 17 2011, 7:47 PM GMT
YOUNG MAN
I used to take cocaine regularly like Stephen Fry. I did get caught supplying though, and spent a year in jail, staring at four walls and defecating in a 2 - down, 6 letters. Water carrying receptacle. b - u - c - k, something, something.
MAN
Just bought a Mel Gibson action figure for my kids. Ironically on the packet it said battery not included.
MISTAKES STING
Mistakes are like smashing your groin on the crossbar of a pushbike. Painful, and if you're very unlucky you can end up with a right balls up.
Liked all these.
Quote: Tony Cowards @ March 18 2011, 3:15 PM GMT
I've just eaten a Yorkie, that's the last time I'll get invited to Cruft's.
I tried to enter my dog for the Cruft's agility trials but you wouldn't believe the hoops you have to jump through.
To celebrate the Ides of March last Tuesday I stabbed a Caesar salad with a sharp knife.
These were funny.
Quote: Big Jack @ March 18 2011, 11:48 PM GMT
(3)I was watching Ed Milliband on my new 3D TV - what a waste of two dimensions.
(4)The Daily Telegraph has published a list of the "50 most influential Liberal Democrats" in the UK. Is that not like publishing a list of the "12 tallest dwarves in Snow White's house"?
(6)Mel Gibson got 36 months on a charge of battery - my iPad only lasts 4 hours!
(9)I prefer canned Peaches - "OMG!" is such a dreadful programme.
Corrections
(11)Newsjack is happy to set the record straight. When we reported Nick Clegg's comments that the Liberal Democrats will "not lose our souls", this was not a reference to the decision to allow Lembit Opik to remain in the party.
These were all very good.
My failures: (none on this series, just a couple of sketches)
APP:
A super-injunction says we can't call Fred the Shread a 'banker'? So is there a complete ban on cockney rhyming slang?
APP:
Poirot's been bumped off after 22 years. Disgraceful decision, but I don't know who to point the finger at.
APP:
Cheryl Cole's brother has gone to prison for plotting armed robbery. Her husband shot someone. Does she think she's in the Geordie version of The Wire?
APP:
I saw Stephen Fry admitted to taking cocaine to make crosswords more interesting. I tried Sudoku on LSD and the numbers chased me down the street! It was definitely either a 4 or a 7...
APP:
(UPROAR IN BACKGROUND) I finally got my hands on some Angry Birds plush toys. I've spent the whole day throwing them at the Pigs! (BEAT) Just one more go... (PHONE DROPS)
APP:
So now we have Cash-For-Access, Cash-For-Questions and Cash-4-Gold. Where will it all end?
APP:
So, I see these tiny computers - 'Smart Dust' - will be everywhere soon. I literally can't believe how much processor power my hoover will have in future!
APP:
Easyjet have signed up to Nectar? Well, it's cheaper than oil.
STUDENT:
Universities Minister David Willets wrote to me encouraging me to aim higher. He's right - next time I'll shoot him in the head!
TYPING:
@NewsjackApp - Stupid, ridiculous, idiotic, pointless #TwitterLibel case. Man who's suing is the biggest type of unbelievably massive, stupid cu-
CREATOR:
I can't believe they've suspended me for *my* comments about *my* show! Why no ethnic minorities in my Midsommer Murders!? Cos then it'd be obvious whodunit! Now, hood, burning torch. I'm off to sort this out.
APP:
You can apply for Olympics tickets now. I wonder if they'll be the same price when the time comes to pay for them, or billions and billions more than the initial estimates.
CORRECTIONS:
(MILES) I'd like to make my own correction using the new iCorrect website. There was a malicious and frankly libelous internet rumour about me attacking some working-class scum with an avocado slicer! I've since corrected this: it was in actual fact a melon-baller.
END
Dan
