Quote: radiat10n @ March 17 2011, 7:33 PM GMTThanks for the input, do think mine reads better with your edit (especially as it removes the repetition of 'traffic' which bugged me at the time...)...but it was a 'making a mistake is...' line that got me my sole credit for the series, as wth anything the in-house writers only do it if noone else has...
I stand corrected.
Quote: 3songsnoflash @ March 17 2011, 5:41 PM GMTHere are some of my rejects, thanks for reading.
Boy-band Blue gave their first performance of their Eurovision song, "I Can". Just because you can, boys, doesn't mean that you should.
Here are my efforts
POSH MAN
I sent a complaint to the BBC to ask for LOUDER background music. My wife watches EastEnders all the time, and it would be nice to have something to drown out the sound of those awful moaning cockneys.
YOUNG MAN
I used to take cocaine regularly like Stephen Fry. I did get caught supplying though, and spent a year in jail, staring at four walls and defecating in a 2 - down, 6 letters. Water carrying receptacle. b - u - c - k, something, something.
MIDDLE AGED WOMAN
When I heard my son muttering to himself about cocaine, heroin and speed I was terrified, until I realised he was filling in Stephen Fry's new word search book.
MAN
Anyone bought anything off an eBay seller called QT? He's put some stuffed parrots up for sale.
MAN
Just bought a Mel Gibson action figure for my kids. Ironically on the packet it said battery not included.
MIDDLE AGED WOMAN
After what the creator of Midsommer Murders has just said, no-one is going to want to be seen dead on that show.
MISTAKES STING
Mistakes are like smashing your groin on the crossbar of a pushbike. Painful, and if you're very unlucky you can end up with a right balls up.
As usual Ishy a high proportion of yours made me COL (Erm, that's chuckle out loud, in case you wondered...)
Quote: radiat10n @ March 17 2011, 7:50 PM GMTAs usual Ishy a high proportion of yours made me COL (Erm, that's chuckle out loud, in case you wondered...)
Thank you, that's very kind.
Pity the people who read the stuff wot I wrote didn't agree though, 
. I suppose getting a oneliner on is always going to be tricky as they get so many.
I'm sticking with that delusional thought.
Quote: Ishy @ March 17 2011, 7:47 PM GMT
MAN
Just bought a Mel Gibson action figure for my kids. Ironically on the packet it said battery not included.MIDDLE AGED WOMAN
After what the creator of Midsommer Murders has just said, no-one is going to want to be seen dead on that show.
These. Although it's actually the producer of MM, not the creator (I believe).
QUICKIES/ONE-LINERS
Mel Gibson is facing a battery charge after a long mobile phone conversation conversation with John Galliano.
An earthquake, a tsunami and a nuclear accident. Just some of the things our listeners hope to see happen in Charlie Sheen's next online video.
In Japan there has been a considerable death toll in the Miyagi region. This means a serious crisis in the population of wise old karate teachers. A surviving official said it would take a lot of work to get the town back the way it was, emphasising they would have to "paint the fence", "sand the floor" and "wax on, wax off."
Chief executive of Burger king has made insulting comments about British women and British food. This has sparked outrage with the comments coming just days after pancake day.
More news on the royal couple as Posh Spice and David Beckham plan to return to live in England. The decision was made to stop their children becoming too spoiled Victoria said, speaking from her throne in their LA mansion.
Victoria Beckham is expecting a girl. Based on the texts David has been receiving it seems he is too.
Homosexual Irish Senator David Norris plans to run for President of the country. He said he wouldn't be a gay president but a president who happens to be gay. Much the same way Colonel Gaddafi is not an insane blood-thirsty despot but a despot who happens to be insane and blood-thirsty.
David Cameron says he doesn't care if Iran don't enter the 2012 Olympics but if they do they should give five rings to let him know they've arrived safe.
Migrants in the UK have been hit with the news that the Home Office reduced number of occupations that there is a skill shortage of in the UK. The occupations include sheep shearers, pipe welders, foreign secretaries and prime ministers.
A new survey reveals that Europeans are liberal and anxious whilst Americans appear to be conservative and overweight.
NEWSJACK APP
The new iPad is barely any different to my old one. This tablet really is a bitter pill to swallow.
Blue will represent Britain in the Eurovision song contest with the song 'I Can'. Even if they can I really wish they wouldn't.
CORRECTIONS
We'd like to apologise to Martin and Lucinda Baraclough who last week won our two week trip to Japan. Our thoughts are of course with their family and friends, though it should be noted that the spending money won is non-transferrable.
AND FINALLY...
That was topical comedy show Newsjack from March 2011 back when the government used to give money to the arts. Of course we know now that any arts funding is a vile waste that we cannot afford. Stay tuned now for two hours of white noise, followed by soothing animal noises and finally The Chris Moyles show.
Quote: Don P Musey @ March 17 2011, 8:24 PM GMTQUICKIES/ONE-LINERS
More news on the royal couple as Posh Spice and David Beckham plan to return to live in England. The decision was made to stop their children becoming too spoiled Victoria said, speaking from her throne in their LA mansion.
Homosexual Irish Senator David Norris plans to run for President of the country. He said he wouldn't be a gay president but a president who happens to be gay. Much the same way Colonel Gaddafi is not an insane blood-thirsty despot but a despot who happens to be insane and blood-thirsty.
Migrants in the UK have been hit with the news that the Home Office reduced number of occupations that there is a skill shortage of in the UK. The occupations include sheep shearers, pipe welders, foreign secretaries and prime ministers.
Blue will represent Britain in the Eurovision song contest with the song 'I Can'. Even if they can I really wish they wouldn't.
These are great (especially the Posh and Becks one), although I be they had loads a similar Blue lines. There's one a few posts up.
The Charlie Sheen gag was OK, but anything surrounding Japan was always going to get a 'No'. It's too soon.
My failures:
So the Queen is to visit the Republic of Ireland this year, I hope she receives better treatment than Lord Mountbatten.
Apparently in Denmark you can now pay for postage by text. I texted a friend that lives there... two days later I received a stamp through the post.
That poor sod Arsene Wenger must be constipated, in thirteen days he's had three dumps.
Jordan is finally getting divorced, this will be Alex Reid's last chance to get his grubby hands on her assets.
I could have sworn I saw Charlie Sheen years ago on Two Point Four Children.
Quote: Nigel Kelly @ March 18 2011, 10:29 AM GMTMy failures:
So the Queen is to visit the Republic of Ireland this year, I hope she receives better treatment than Lord Mountbatten.
Topical!
Something we don't know?
The name Gaddafi M (Col retd) has appeared in a Birmingham newspaper.
A card saying Ex Virgin Bodyguards for hire, has appeared in a Birmingham
phone box.
Tony excites me in so many ways, boasts Cherie Blair.
What's the betting it's not reciprocated.
The name M Gaddafi and Son has appeared in Yellow Pages under Building Supplies
Hardcore and Sand for sale cheap.
Same name under Celebrity Look Alikes.
Will somebody tell Sir Alex Ferguson to shut his mouth.
even if only when chewing gum.
While Egypt is still in turmoil, some Lord of the realm should nip over there
and rob a few more tombs.
My failures this week (all a bit dashed off in a hurry as I nearly missed the deadline);
I've just eaten a Yorkie, that's the last time I'll get invited to Cruft's.
I tried to enter my dog for the Cruft's agility trials but you wouldn't believe the hoops you have to jump through.
To those idiots who are saying that the Japanese earthquake is karmic retribution for Pearl Harbor, I'd just like to point out that Michael Bay and Ben Affleck don't even live in Japan.
To celebrate the Ides of March last Tuesday I stabbed a Caesar salad with a sharp knife.
Egypt have dissolved their secret security agency, hopefully not in a vat of acid like some sort of Bond villain.
I like to think that when the Olympic countdown clock stopped it made the *Countdown music sound effect * noise.
I can't believe the controversy over Midsommer Murders being "All white", after all it never harmed Michael Barrymore's career.
So migrants from outside the EU are to be banned from working in restaurants, quite right, what would someone from India or China know about a decent takeaway?
I can't believe that they want to charge £20 for the Cheese Rolling Festival in Gloucestershire, that's quite some wedge.
Correction - In our report on stopping of The London Olympics countdown clock we incorrectly reported that it had stopped at 007 seconds after Daniel Craig was seen messing around with the wiring.
Liked the Barrymore one especially Tony. The rest were good also.
The Yorkie and, especially, the decent takeaway lines were the pick for me.
Quote: Tony Cowards @ March 18 2011, 3:15 PM GMTI tried to enter my dog for the Cruft's agility trials but you wouldn't believe the hoops you have to jump through.
I can't believe that they want to charge £20 for the Cheese Rolling Festival in Gloucestershire, that's quite some wedge.
First one is the best I've read this week.
Second when I read it I could hear Tim Vine's or Milton Jones' voice - very good.
So here's my last harvest. Some terrible ones in here that would never get broadcasdt in a million years. But I thought number (3) was good.
Apps One-liners (voice mail etc)
(1)[Geordie accent] Aye. I'm phoning from Newcastle to complain aboot the Northern stereotyping in your "Batman man" sketch in episode two. I dinna dinna dinna dinna dinna dinna dinna dinna like it.
(2)Hello, Andy Coulson here - is this NewsHack?
(3)I was watching Ed Milliband on my new 3D TV - what a waste of two dimensions.
(4)The Daily Telegraph has published a list of the "50 most influential Liberal Democrats" in the UK. Is that not like publishing a list of the "12 tallest dwarves in Snow White's house"?
(5)[Brummie accent] I am fed up of West Midlands Police bringing criminals round to my house time and time again. I really regret moving to Burnwood Grubs.
(6)Mel Gibson got 36 months on a charge of battery - my iPad only lasts 4 hours!
(8)[First man] - I'm no racist, but I don't believe that Midsomer Murders would work if ethnic minorities were involved. [Second man, completely different voice] - I'm no Ice-cream Man but I do make a living selling Flake 99s from my ice cream van.
(9)I prefer canned Peaches - "OMG!" is such a dreadful programme.
(10)All these people on the X Factor, why don't they just take the bus? Then they'd soon stop going on about the fantastic journey they've been on.
Corrections
(11)Newsjack is happy to set the record straight. When we reported Nick Clegg's comments that the Liberal Democrats will "not lose our souls", this was not a reference to the decision to allow Lembit Opik to remain in the party.
(12)Newsjack is happy to put the record straight. In our earlier broadcast when we described television coverage of hardship and personal suffering in order to raise public awareness of the plight of the individuals involved and ultimately collect as much money as possible, we were referring to Comic Relief's Red Nose Day, and not the contestants on I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here.
(13)In our earlier story we should of course have said that viewers complaining about the volume of the music in Brian Cox's show Wonders of the Universe was too loud were upset that they couldn't hear his voice.
Other one-liners
(14)The Prime Minister's office have stressed in the strongest possible terms that there is no imperative to bury difficult news while the headlines are dominated by nuclear meltdown and the crisis in Libya - [soft voice] and have also confirmed recent speculation that David Cameron does have a heart made of tin.
(15)Brian True-May has hit the news by being suspended by the BBC following his comments that Midsomer Murders would not work if ethnic minorities were involved. He later commented "Me and my bigoted mouth".
(16)Next week George Osborne is set to deliver the Finance Bill - it comes to £44billion per annum, service not included.
(17)I hate having to use this studio after Peaches Geldof - you can never find anything.
(18)In other news, Peaches Geldof, presenter of "OMG!" has been interviewed by police for an alleged shoplifting incident. It's her best interview to date.
(19)Shocking news this week that according to a survey for National Butcher's Week 17% of Britons think that you can buy "pork wings". Pigs might fly.