INT BAR - NIGHT
AN ANXIOUS LOOKING MAN, WALTER, SITS IN A BAR.
A SHIFTY MAN ENTERS THE BAR AND SITS AT AN ADJACENT TABLE SO HE AND WALTER ARE ALMOST BACK TO BACK.
HITMAN
Don't turn around. Are you the fella what's looking for someone to take care of some business?
WALTER
No, but I do need someone killed.
HITMAN
Shh. Keep your voice down, you mug. It's two grand up front. Take it or leave it.
WALTER
I'll take it, please. Thank you.
HITMAN
Alright. Good. What's the geezer's name?
WALTER
His name is Potter, Harry Potter.
HITMAN
Harry Potter?
WALTER
Yes that's P - O - T--
HITMAN
I know how it's spelled. Is this a wind up?
WALTER
No, of course not.
HITMAN
You want me to kill Harry Potter - the fictional character?
WALTER
Oh, he's no fictional character. Would a fictional character sleep with another man's wife? Would a fictional character spread scurrilous rumours about that man at his place of work? Would a fictional character take out a quarter page notice in the local newspaper to poke fun at another man's... chestal baggage.
HITMAN
Alright, calm down. I just thought for a second you meant the other Harry Potter.
WALTER
What other Harry Potter?
HITMAN
Harry Potter. The boy wizard.
WALTER
I've seen him do some card tricks but he's hardly Paul Daniels.
HITMAN
No, not your Harry Potter. The other one.
WALTER
What other one?
HITMAN
You mean to tell me you've never heard of Harry Potter?
WALTER
Of course I've heard of Harry Potter, he's been having sexual relations with my bloomin' wife for the last eight months - I'm hardly likely to forget him.
HITMAN
No not.. oh, never mind. It's not important. Let's just get this sorted so I can get the hell out of here. I need to know what the target looks like. Has he got any obvious distinguishing marks.
WALTER
Um... oh yes, he has a scar on his forehead.
HITMAN
Really.
WALTER
Yes, he tells everyone it's shaped like a lightning bolt but it just looks like a weird squiggle to me.
HITMAN
That's Harry bloody Potter!
WALTER
I kmow it is!
HITMAN
No, that's THE Harry Potter! Are you sure you've never heard of the Harry Potter books.
WALTER
I'm not a big reader.
HITMAN
Hogwarts... Griffindorf... Snape...
PAUSE
WALTER
Is that hitman code for something?
HITMAN
No.
WALTER
This meeting isn't going how I'd imagined.
WALTER STARTS TO TURN TO FACE THE HITMAN.
WALTER
I just want--
HITMAN
Don't make another move, tough guy, or I'll take you out for fun!
WALTER QUICKLY RESUMES HIS ORIGINAL POSITION.
HITMAN
Now... it's best for all concerned if it looks like an accident. Does this guy play any sports or indulge in any extreme activities?
WALTER
No. No, wait. He does play something... oh what's it called now... begins with a Q--
PAUSE
HITMAN
Quidditch?
WALTER
Quick... Quints--
HITMAN
Is it Quidditch?
WALTER
Oh, it's on the tip of my tongue... Quills... Quincy--
HITMAN
It's Quidditch, isn't it?
UNSEEN BY WALTER THE HITMAN SLOWLY STANDS AND EXITS THE PUB.
WALTER
Queer... Quim... Oh, Kite Surfing!
LONG PAUSE
WALTER
Hello?
END
