Thought I'd take a break from trying to write some topical stuff. Too crude? Too many 2000AD references?
1. INT HOUSE. WOMAN IS ON A SOFA. HER HUSBAND COMES IN FROM WORK. GEOFF IS MIDDLE AGED, SHORT, A BIT PORTLY AND SPORTING A DODGY MOUSTACHE
GEOFF:
Borag Thungg earthlet.
JANET SIGHS
JANET:
We need to talk.
GEOFF:
I'd rather play a game of hide the sausage.
GEOFF PRETENDS TO THROW A DICE BY BLOWING ON HIS HAND AND SHAKING IT
GEOFF:
It's a six, excellent. I get to hide it. Just need to find out how. Come on lady luck.
GEOFF THROWS ANOTHER PRETEND DICE
GEOFF:
YES another six. That will be balls deep thrill seekers. Get in.
JANET LOOKS REPULSED AS GEOFF PRETENDS TO UNDO HIS TROUSERS
JANET:
Pig. Remember that email you got sent last month?
GEOFF:
About that brand new, luxury house I won?
JANET:
In a competition you never entered.
GEOFF:
That was a bit odd.
JANET:
Remember that website you had to go to? Remember they asked all those personal, highly detailed questions?
GEOFF LOOKS ON BLANKLY
JANET MOCKS GEOFF USING A WHINY VOICE
JANET:
Janet you worry too much blah blah. I know about the internet blah blah. Identity theft my arse blah blah bloody blah.
A MAN STEPS INTO THE ROOM DRESSED EXACTLY THE SAME AS GEOFF APART FROM HIM BEING MUCH TALLER AND A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT BUILD
NEW GEOFF:
Good evening. Your tea Janet.
NEW GEOFF HANDS JANET A CUP OF TEA.
JANET:
Thanks Geoff.
GEOFF:
What the hell is going on? Who is this?
JANET:
Geoff meet Geoff.
NEW GEOFF HOLDS OUT HIS HAND BUT GEOFF TURNS HIM DOWN
GEOFF:
Why haven't you called the police?
JANET:
It's not that simple. He turned up 3 days ago whilst you've been away on business. It's been like a breath of fresh air (beat) literally.
GEOFF:
Eh?
JANET:
He washes more than once a week for a start.
GEOFF SELF CONSCIOUSLY SMELLS HIS ARMPITS
GEOFF:
I wash.
JANET:
Yes, in what though. He's also charming, helpful, and isn't obsessed with internet porn
GEOFF HOLDS HIS HANDS OUT TO BE HANDCUFFED PUTTING ON A LUDICROUS COCKNEY ACCENT
GEOFF:
It's a fair cop m'lud. Please put me in a single cell though, I'm too pretty to be left with other prisoners. Think of my catflap your honour.
JANET SHAKES HER HEAD
JANET:
I'm sorry Geoff, but I've decided to install the update you accidentally downloaded.
FADE
2. INT HOUSE A MAN COMES IN FROM WORK LOOKING TIRED
MAN:
I'm home darling. Did you do anything about that free holiday villa we won off the internet? Sounded too good to be true.
HE DROPS HIS BRIEFCASE WHEN HE SEES GEOFF STANDING THERE WEARING A DRESS AND A TERRIBLE BLOND WIG
GEOFF:
Borag Thungg love. Kippers ok for tea? Then upstairs for some lovin? Probably best to stick to hand jobs for now though.
I guess it will only be appeal to people of a certain age and comic reading disposition.
