Beginnings of my debut sitcom, scene 1 draft 2

SCENE 1. EXT. HOLIDAY PARK ENTRANCE [07.40]
LONNIE, ELWOOD
AS NIGHT SHIFT IS DRAWING TO A CLOSE ON A MID-MAY MONDAY MORNING AT BANGERS WHISTLE HOLIDAY PARK, 32 YEAR OLD FORMER CRUISE SINGER ELWOOD DELGADO IS LEANING AGAINST A BMW 3 SERIES IN BRITISH RACING GREEN. LONNIE HUGHES, 58 IS SAT IN THE DRIVERS SEAT, THE ENGINE IS RUNNING, THE WINDOW IS DOWN.
ELWOOD
Off to the land of nod now?
LONNIE
You must be joking sunshine, I am away into town, gotta get to We Auto Know, pick up the dog guard, a hundred and fifty big ones it has set me back.
ELWOOD
Lonnie, you don't even have a dog.
LONNIE
One step at a time sonny. It's six years since our Fletcher bit her. If I drop subtle hints like this, one day she'll relent.
ELWOOD
(Laughing)
Subtle, blimey, you went home with a lead and two feeding bowls last Tuesday.
LONNIE
(Laughing)
I know yeah, she thought I had taken up dogging! She only let me back in the big bed this weekend!
A GOLDEN FORD CAPRI WITH TINTED WINDOWS SCREECHES THROUGH THE GATE, AND GOES THE WRONG WAY AROUND THE ROUNDABOUT, TOWARDS THE STAFF CAR PARK. MCFLY'S COVER VERSION OF "DON'T STOP ME NOW" IS BLARING FROM THE CAR STEREO. ELWOOD HAS TO JUMP OUT OF THE ROAD TO AVOID BEING HIT.
LONNIE (CONT'D)
Bloody hero isn't he? Well good luck El, and tell Fabio I said "Buon giorno."
LONNIE DRIVES AWAY AT SPEED, ELWOOD LOWERS THE GATE AND RETURNS TO THE GATEHOUSE.
EXT. STAFF CAR PARK [07.42]
FABIO/EMLYN, REUBEN
EMLYN "FABIO" ROBERTS IS LYING BACK IN THE DRIVERS SEAT, FULLY RECLINED. HIS EYES ARE CLOSED, MCFLY'S COVER VERSION OF "THE WINNER TAKES IT ALL" IS PLAYING ON THE RADIO. LEISURE MANAGER REUBEN BLACKWELL WHO IS OUT FOR HIS CUSTOMARY MORNING JOG, SPOTS FABIO'S CAR AND JOGS OVER, KNOCKING ON THE WINDOW.
REUBEN
(Strong Essex accent)
Morning Emlyn. Do you fancy a lap or two around the car park to get your blood pumping?
FABIO OPENS HIS EYES, WAVES REUBEN AWAY MOUTHING AN OBSCENITY. REUBEN SMILES, AND JOGS AWAY.
INT. GATEHOUSE [07.43]

ELWOOD, FABIO
ELWOOD IS STOOD BEHIND A DESK, STREWN WITH PAPERWORK, VIBRATING A RULER AT THE EDGE. REUBEN JOGS PAST THE WINDOW, THEY WAVE TO EACH OTHER.
ELWOOD
(Panicky)
Shit, the kettle!
ELWOOD RUSHES THROUGH SLAT TYPE DOOR CURTAIN, WE HEAR A TAP RUN, AND A KETTLE SWITCH ON. FABIO ENTERS THE GATEHOUSE IN HIS CIVVIES CARRYING A SUIT BAG.
FABIO
(Rough, camp, Mancunian accent)
'Ow do Elwood?
ELWOOD
(Walks back into view)
Good good thanks. Buon giorno!
FABIO
(Walking through to back office)
What? You know I don't speak French! Why can't you talk formal English?
ELWOOD
Oh shut up and get your kit on, I boiled the kettle for you!
FABIO (O.S.)
(Angry)
Bloody hell fire!
ELWOOD
Well I couldn't brew up cause I don't know where you hide your flaming coffee.
FABIO
(Walks back into view)
No no no, you daft git! Feckin' dry cleaners, look at this!
ELWOOD LOOKS TO FABIO TO SEE HE IS SPORTING A WHITE BLOUSE WITH EMBROIDERED FLOWERS ON THE CHEST. ELWOOD BURSTS INTO A FIT OF GIGGLES.
FABIO (CONT'D)
That half-baked hell cat! I bet she could eat a watermelon through a picket fence! I can't wear this!
ELWOOD
Why not?
(Attempts a Gok Wan impression)
It's all about the confidence sister!
FABIO
You had better hold your damn tongue or else I'll tear your arm off and hit you with the soggy end!
ELWOOD
The farther I push, the cuter you incline.
FABIO REACTS, HITTING ELWOOD WITH THE RULER NOW LYING ON THE DESK.

FABIO
Can I borrow your jumper El? Franco gave his last shirt out to Dom the other day, bloody numbskull ironed his new Marks' one with the plastic doohickey still under the collar. I'm bloody stuck with this damned blouse.
ELWOOD
I am sorry Emlyn, I can't let you borrow this. I paid a hundred and five quid for this, quality Cashmere knitwear this is. Oh, that reminds me, I have been shopping again! That DVD boxset of "The Munsters" should arrive today. I have to get it delivered here, I'm going straight to bed when I get home, well after I checked out my eBay auctions anyway, and I can't let the neighbors take it, not after the stick I got when "I Dream Of Jeannie" showed up.
FABIO
This is not helping Elwood! I am still flaunting this God-awful garb. What are you going to do about it? What is your fetish with sixties US sitcoms?
ELWOOD
Oh it's the fantastical stuff, I love it, ever since I first saw bewitched as a little boy. What do you mean, what am I going to do about it? You are the haughty high horse who has his regimentals dry cleaned.
FABIO
Who are you calling haughty?
ELWOOD
Well it's true, have a look in lost property. I think Heath brought over a black sweater last night when the Bat and Ball bar closed.
FABIO TURNS AROUND AND PICKS UP A SCREWED UP BLACK SWEATSHIRT FROM A CARDBOARD BOX, WITH LOST PROPERTY WRITTEN ON IT IN MARKER PEN, HE TURNS TO FACE ELWOOD HOLDING THE SHIRT UP.
FABIO
This one, as if we don't have a reputation anyway for being, what did they call us?
ELWOOD
Trite, and what's this us? They were complaining about you and Tommy, telling them there was no rooms left, it was Christmas Eve, and she was pregnant.
FABIO PULLS SWEATSHIRT OVER HIS HEAD, CLEARLY VISIBLE ON THE CHEST IN WHITE LETTERING ARE THE WORDS, "GOING POSTAL".

It's a bit blocky, Al.

blocky?

You need to put some spaces in; separate the voices.

yeah I thought that was what you meant, lazy of me really, I just copy and pasted it from final draft andthat's how it appeared, any thoughts, if you did manage to read it though?

I really recommend you edit your formatting. There are a lot of people posting scripts on here, and you would need yours to stand out if you want some feedback. It's just a good rule-of-thumb.

kk, gimme a sec and I shall post it again, edited, thanks anyhow.

It's not holding my interest, sorry. One or two half-jokes, the blouse thing is ok but nothing to make me laugh, not so far anyway. And I haven't been able to identify or sympthasise with either of the main characters.

well thanks for your comments, and I am sorry neither Elwood nor Fabio float your boat, perhaps it is because you never met them, obviously based on real people. there is a little more posted on here, which looks a little clearer, perhaps you could give it a read, perhaps not.