Skit Comp 7-15.2.10

This week was tighter than a Scotsman on acid so congratulations to STEVE SUNSHINE and NIGEL KELLY for their joint win! Get rat-anussed and PM me for next week's topic please.
Hence:
Votes - Points - Name

4 - 10 - Steve Sunshine, Nigel Kelly
2 - 5 - Bushbaby
1 - 1 - Shandonbelle, Stephen Birch, Alex Mahon
Special mention: AngieBaby, Cluvss, Shirl the Whirl, Gerry McDonnell

Your new subject: POLITICS
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sex or inside leg measurement, except the kid who used to beat me up at school.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 15.2.11

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

176! - Mr Sunshine
152 - Otterfox
143 - Cool Mikado
135 - Michael Monkhouse
132 - Nigel Kelly
125 - Kasm
112 - Jebsly
108 - Frankie Rage
104 - Timbo
103 - Charley Rance
98 - Fred Peters
80 - Angiebaby
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
60 - Gerry McDonnell
56 - Scratchyr
55 - Alex Mahon
43 - Ishy
37 - Afinkawan
32 - Swerytd, Paul Watson
28 - Leevil
26 - David Chapman
25 - Bushbaby, Craig H
24 - Don P. Musey
23 - Roscoff
22 - Blobster
21 - Mikey J
20 - James Harris, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - James, Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Nil Putters, Cinnamon, Dale
14 - Reg N
13 - Badge, Stephen Birch
12 - Geoff Mutton, Will Cam
11 - Steven
10 - Stephen Goodlad, Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - The Giggle-O, garyd, Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Tumble, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Andy W, losaavedra
02 - Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - Shandonbelle, veedeeplex, Grem, Macca, Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Any ballsups, PM me please.

I promise humour, free writing advice, pure nonesense and loads of other stuff. Vote for me.

WHO WANTS TO BE A WILLIONAIRE?

BED...
A PROSTITUTE over the covers:

PROSTITUTE (groans) I don't know what's come over me... Actually I do. Hello Signor Berlusconi.

BERLUSCONI (pops out in suit and tie) Buongiorno my leetle Margherita Pizza with double Parmisan toppeeng...

PROSTITUTE Yeah I have to pop off now.

BERLUSCONI I just deed! I mean - please stay, let's play a game.

PROSTITUTE Again?

BERLUSCONI No a game. Let's play who Wants to be a Willy-on-air.

PROSTITUTE You mean millionaire.

BERLUSCONI No I don't... First question. You just sucked off a bulti-millionaire wankeer who spent his nation's taxes on Viagra and spends all his time being rogered instead of sorting out the recession. A journalist asks you his name. Answer?

PROSTITUTE I don't know.

BERLUSCONI You just pocketed a thousand Euros!... Next: I give you a billion to start up a company. It goes bust in a year, you kick out all the employees - no redundancy pay, no recommendation, no Jack Sheet. Who gave you the money?

PROSTITUTE Your opposition.

BERLUSCONI You just got yourself another thousand, plus a blow job! Finally (starts) - who put that video-camera there?

PROSTITUTE Me. I've recorded everything you said.

BERLUSCONI (gets up) This is a disgraceful intrusion of my privacy. As a respectable politician democratically elected by the people...

MP's meeting.

CHAIRMAN

Right today's agenda.....benefits.

Have you all come up with the answer.

MP 1

Regarding disability, I've come up with a brilliant new system.

1...Claimants with only one leg, or with only one arm, can only claim half the

present proposed rate.

MP 2

Surely that'd be discrimination.

MP 1

How so? They only need buy one shoe or one glove, whereby full bodied

claimants would have to buy double that.

2...Housing benefit to be not more than £5 a week, period.

MP 2

What!! You could just about rent a tent for that.

MP 1

Exactly, but if you've only got one arm and one leg, why would you need a

mansion? For starters, they only need buy half a bed too. Do you see how they

can live cheaply and would therefore be totally ripping the system off,

otherwise?

MP 2

I can't wait to hear your proposal for blind people.

MP 1

I can't see any solution to that yet but I'm working on it. I'm thinking in

terms of taking them off the benefit proposals list altogether and placing them

on working night shifts, they won't notice the difference and there's plenty of

work opportunities especially for night watchmen. Now, the obese, I propose, no

allowances at all, that would lead to them starving for some months before any

payments were established; then they wouldn't need any because they'd be thin.

MP 2

And what do you think about all this chairman Mubarak?

HOUSE OF COMMONS

AN MP WEARING HEADPHONES IS NODDING HIS HEAD GENTLY

THE VOICE OF JAMES BROWN CAN BE HEARD AROUND THE HOUSE 'Im gonna get up and do my thing, you know, doin it,you know, like a sex machine...get uppa, get on up..get uppa, get on up...'

SPEAKER Would the right honourable member please switch off his ipod or at least put his headphones on properly

Movie Trailer:

V/O:
Conservative Pictures present, David Cameron as Forest Dump.

FOREST:
I am not a smart man, but I know what profit is.

V/O:
The world will never seem the same, once you've seen it through the eyes of Forest Dump.

FOREST:
Conservatives and selling off Britain's assets go together like peas and carrots.

V/O:
Forest is not as slow as he looks

FOREST:
Now you wouldn't believe me if I told you, but I can run like the wind blows. I remember when I first refused to answer questions about my drug-use, and I've been running ever since.

V/O:
Forest has had to overcome adversity.

FOREST:
You have to do the best with what God gave you; I've had to survive on my wits and my millions of pounds in the bank.

V/O:
Forest is no stranger to sports.

FOREST:
I'm pretty good with a table tennis bat; it was right up my alley in Oxford.

V/O:
Forest Dump can be insightful

FOREST:
Stupid is as stupid does. Although he doesn't do much after three o'clock.

V/O:
Forest Dump is at war with Islamic fundamentalism.

FOREST:
Life is like a box of chocolates; some of the dark ones aren't very nice.

V/O:
Forest Dump is the conservative leader that stands up for what he believes in.

FOREST:
I'm selling the country's woodlands, and that's all I have to say about that.

V/O:
Here comes the lefty multiculturalist tree-huggers: Run, Forest! Run!

TAOISEACH BRIAN COWEN at a press conference

REPORTER
What are the government actually doing to help this recession.

COWEN
Several Ministers are taking a more hands on approach to their jobs.

CUT TO:

Finance Minister BRIAN LENIHAN on street begging with a sign saying 'Need Money to Govern'.

CUT TO:

Education Minister MARY COUGHLAN at the front of a class of children. One child raises his hand.

CHILD
If the earth is always moving how come we don't fall over.

COUGHLAN
Emmm....

MARY takes out a thick book and starts looking through it.

CUT TO:

A war zone with bombs going off and soldiers ducking down and shooting. Defence Minister EAMON O CUIV goes running out screaming swinging a hurl. A grenade explodes and blows him to bits.

CUT TO:

MARY COGHLAN still looking through the book.

CUT TO:

Tourism Minister MARY HANAFIN talking to an aboriginal tribe.

HANAFIN
Would you like to come to Ireland?

They look at her suspiciously. LEADER of the tribe speaks.

LEADER
(in foreign, subtitles read
We hear things have gone tits up over there.

CUT TO:

Back to LENIHAN begging. A passer-by drops a Euro on the ground and it lands between LENIHAN and another begger. They both go to grab it and get in a scuffle.

CUT TO:

MARY COUGHLAN looking through the book. She looks up and sighs.

COUGHLAN
That's just how it is.

CUT TO:

MARY HANAFIN and the tribe.

HANAFIN
Can I stay here then?

LEADER looks to the other members of the tribe, they converse briefly.

LEADER
(in foreign, subtitles read
Cumbale will take you.

Fat tribe member steps forward and grabs HANAFIN by the hair and drags her off.

LEADER
(to other tribe members, in foreign, subtitles
That son of a bitch will eat anything.

CUT TO:

Back to REPORTER at press conference.

REPORTER
And how will you be contributing as Foreign Affairs Minister.

Reveal COWEN in a Sombrero and big fake moustache.

COWEN
Isn't that obvious.

EXT. DAY. POLITICAL CORRESPONDENT SPEAKING TO THE CAMERA.

CORRESPONDENT:

Good evening.
As there still appears to be a lot of confusion surrounding the Yes/No Treaty and what the ramifications may be for you, allow me to clarify this in simple terms.

Now as most of the votes have already been cast I realise the pointlessness of this endeavour but I slaved over this script for surely five minutes so now you are going to listen.

At the moment it looks as though it is set to be rejected as No is exceeding Yes in a number of constituencies.

We have counted how many times No has been written and mentioned in the last 24 hours. Every permutation of No is covered. No with a capital N, a capital N and O and a lowercase N and O.

There was a third option which was making up some ground for a brief period of time in a minority of constituencies choosing to go with the right wing, 'AM' as opposed to the more traditional Yes or No. Unfortunately no capital 'AM's' were recorded.

By a similar token there were zero amount of number No's and nearly as many for the number Yes. We've heard there is a little confusion as to what specifically would would happen with the passing of a Yes or a No vote so allow us to simplify.

If No is passed it means that all No's will have full access to the answer to questions unless only one answer is possible. This does not include questions beginning with 'Are you' or 'Did you'. This is subject to a possible later election next year depending on these results and if they go the way we want.

If Yes is ratified all of the above will be implimented but with Yes taking the place of No. Except on the condition that 'Amm', the staple sound for stalling when asked a question is completely shunned.

Next we will get to the specifics of the Yes/No Treaty.

1. A politician will be chosen to be president of the European Council for two years, unless he does not want to in which case he won't.

2. There will be a redistribution of Yes and No answers between all European States.

3. New powers for the European Commission and Parliment and also the Court of Justice will allow them to answer these questions through binary or a series of zeros and ones, to the lay person.

4. Removal of 'nope' and the very American 'uh-huh' in a number of areas.

And that is it. It's as simple as that. We hope this clarifies it for you and if you are still confused we will have a Confused/Not Confused election on the 27th, of course that again depending on if we get the result we want. Thank you for listening.

HE TURNS AND STARTS TO WALK AWAY BUT THEN DOUBLES BACK.

Oh, unless the Yes vote is passed and 'Are you' is not in the question on the ballot paper but if No is mentioned then of course the whole thing will be called off. Thank you.............Unless 'Did you' preceeds the No but if...

FADE OUT.

END.

TWO TEENAGERS, DARREN AND TIFFANY ARE ENTERING A HOUSE THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.

DARREN -
It's alright, Gran's always out on a Thursday.

TIFFANY -
Oh Darren, I'm not sure.

DARREN -
Oh come on Tiffany, Gran won't mind.

THEY GO IN THE SITTING ROOM.

DARREN -
Oh Gran, what are you doing here?

GRAN -
What are you doing, more to the point?

DARREN -
I um.. brought Tiffany round to see you.

GRAN -
No you didn't, you didn't think I was in!

DARREN -
Why aren't you at bingo?

GRAN -
Bloody election! They're using the church hall as a polling station.

DARREN -
Oh.... are you going to vote then?

GRAN -
No I'm bloody not! They stopped me playing bingo. I was feeling lucky tonight. Mind you, I suppose you were, as well.

DARREN -
Gran! Anyway, this is Tiffany.

GRAN -
Oh, hello Tiffany.

DARREN -
Why haven't you got the telly on?

GRAN-
Oh, it's just politicians and that bloody swing-o-meter.

TIFFANY -
What's that little dolly you're making?

GRAN -
That's my voodoo doll. I'm going to test it out in a minute. Pass me those pins.

TIFFANY - (ALARMED)
Who are you going to test it out on?

GRAN-
Oh, don't worry love. Turn the telly on Darren. He'll do, that bugger with the blue rosette.

GRAN STICKS THE PIN IN THE DOLL'S LEG AND THE MAN ON THE TELEVISION CLUTCHES HIS LEG IN PAIN. TIFFANY AND DARREN GASP.

DARREN -
Pack it in Gran!

GRAN -
Oh, just let me do that one in the yellow rosette. Just a little prick!

THE MAN ON THE TELLY WRITHES IN AGONY.

GRAN -
I'll show him where to shove his cuts!

INT . HOUSE OF COMMONS.

THE MAIN CHAMBER IS FULL AND MPS ON BOTH SIDES ARE SHOUTING AT EACH OTHER IN THE USUAL WAY. ED MILLIBAND STANDS AND PLACES A LARGE RING BINDER ON THE DISPATCH BOX IN FRONT OF HIM.

SPEAKER (SHOUTING) Order, order!!!

THE HOUSE QUIETENS DOWN

MILLIBAND: Right, we'll have 214 cod and chips, 63 pie and chips , 13 saveloys and (RISING TO A CRESCENDO) a quarter of roast chicken for Dianne Abbott!

THE GOVERNMENT BACK BENCHERS BEGIN YELLING AT HIM. WE CAN JUST MAKE OUT A LONE VOICE

TORY BACKBENCHER : Oh we'll have to wait for them to cook the bloody chicken!

CUT TO DIANE ABBOTT MOUTHING THE WORDS "WHATEVER" AND SHOWING THE TORIES THE PALM OF HER HAND AS SHE LOOKS AWAY TO THE SIDE.

MILLIBAND: With plenty of "red" sauce on the lot!

MORE JEERING FROM ACROSS THE CHAMBER AS MILLIBAND SITS DOWN TRIMUPHANTLY AND RECEIVES PATS ON THE SHOULDERS FROM ED BALLS AND HARRIET HARMAN

SPEAKER Order, order!!!

THE HOUSE QUIETENS DOWN AND DAVID CAMERON RISES AND PLACES HIS RING BINDER ON THE DISPATCH BOX IN FRONT OF HIM

CAMERON: Thank you Mr Speaker, our order may of course take a little longer because (BEAT) there are so many more of us on this side of the House!

THE JOKE IS MET WITH APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER BY THE TORIES WHILST THE OPPOSITION BENCHES RISE GESTICULATING AND YELLING AT THE PM.

CAMERON: We shall have 302 cod and chips, 42 rock salmons, 19 doners , (BEAT) all with the works Mr Speaker

JEERS FROM OPPOSITION BENCHES AND WE HEAR ONE LONE VOICE

LABOUR BACKBENCHER: (YELLING IN THE DIRECTION OF CAMERON) Never eaten a kebab in his life!

CAMERON: (RISING TO A CRESCENDO) and keeping the promise he made before the election, (BEAT) Nick Clegg will have a vegeburger!

MET WITH CHEERS FROM THE GOVERNMENT BENCHES.

SITTING BEHIND CAMERON, NICK CLEGG TUGS ON CAMERON'S JACKET AND THE PM TURNS ROUND AND LEANS OVER. WE SEE CLEGG WHISPERING SOMETHING IN HIS EAR AND CAMERON NODS AND TURNS BACK ROUND TO ADDRESS THE HOUSE.

CAMERON : Sorry, he's changed his mind again, scrap that; he'll have six battered sausages!

THE OPPOSITION ROARS ITS DISAPPROVAL AND WE HEAR SHOUTS OF "RESIGN"

ENDS.

HIGH COURT - LONDON.

AN IMAM STANDS ACCUSED OF DISPLAYING HATE LITERATURE AT HIS MOSQUE.

PROSECUTOR:
(Holding up exhibit A) This anti-semitic and anti-Christian literature was on display at your mosque, Mr Ali. Is that correct?

IMAM:
Yes, but...

PROSECUTOR:
And furthermore, it also contains articles by Hamas and the Muslim Brotherhood. These political parties have been on YouTube calling for all infidels and homosexuals to be killed, and all women to be subordinate, have they not?

IMAM:
Yes, but...

PROSECUTOR:
Well, Mr Ali. Was this on display at your mosque or not?

IMAM:
Yes, but...

PROSECUTOR:
It's missing the front cover. Do you have it about your person, Mr Ali?

THE IMAM TAKES OUT THE FRONT COVER FROM HIS POCKET AND HOLDS IT UP HIGH. WE HEAR A COLLECTIVE GASP FROM EVERYBODY IN THE COURTROOM.

IMAM:
(Shame-faced) I'm sorry. I promise I'll never buy The Guardian again.

I vote for James

I vote for Bushbaby

Voting for James, also like Shirl the Whirl and Michael Monkhouse

For me, James's loadsa polital cod 'battered' the rest.