Sorry. I had to post something today or I may never have again. (As if).
Anyhoo, lets just say, I was inspired.
PC Hammer & PC Maxwell- Jones are on duty in Hastings. Now PC Maxwell-Jones is an incredibly well educated policeman. It is 11pm and they are in the town centre.
PC Hammer
So anyway as I was saying mate, the wife is due to give birth any minute, she is huge, eats everything she even licks the splatters of grease from the walls.
PC Maxwell- Jones
Gosh! One would anticipate a rapid weight loss programme as soon as one has birthed.
PC Hammer
Damn right! I aint having no chunky bird on my arm. That baby had better be big. I tell you it looks huge in her guts. HUGE!
PC Maxwell-Jones
Golly! Obesity is clearly not an option for her.
PC Hammer
No! it clearly aint. That baby had best have a head like a pin too.
They are interrupted by a patron who has just left a pub, peeing up the glass window of Top Shop.
PC Hammer
Sir! What are you doing
Patron
(Turns to face Hammer moving his body, pee is running down the pathway) What does it look like?
PC Maxwell-Jones
Sir One is committing an anti social act. We have the power to enforce a fine of up to, yet no more than £500. We also have the right to remove you from the area, which you are currently defacing.
Patron
Oooooooh! Remove me then.
PC Hammer
Wait till he as finished Maxwell.
PC Maxwell-Jones
Sir, may I ask why one did not use the WC’s provided by the establishment from whence one left.
Patron.
Look I am done now, I will be on my way.
PC Hammer
I am gonna write him out a fine
PC Maxwell-Jones
No need for that a stern talking too, with a force of authority should suffice. (He leads the offender to a bench & sits him down)
Now Sir, how would one feel if lets say (he thinks for a moment) an non able-bodied person should be wheeling past these premises and their elbow should come into contact with your waste material. Or worse still, a small child, happily shopping with its mother. Hmmmm!
Patron
(Bewildered expression) I never thought about that.
PC Maxwell-Jones
No Sir! I do believe you did not. Have you gained some knowledge & understanding of why urinating in public is against the law.
Patron
Yes Sir! Indeed I have.
PC Hammer shrugs while PC Maxwell-Jones sends the patron on his way.
PC Maxwell-Jones
(Smiles) Now where were we with our conversation. Ahhhh! Yes, I do believe we were at ,Pin Head.
PC Hammer
Oh yeah! I was just saying………
They are interrupted by a fight between two males.
Male 1
Arse hooooooooole (punch)
Male 2
Tosser (punch)
PC Hammer
Right guys break it up, break it up now or I will call for backup and your arses will be hauled to jail.
PC Maxwell Jones wades in between the middle of them & holds them at arms length.
PC Maxwell Jones
Calm! Calm! You gentleman are obviously honour fighting. Let’s all just take a deep breath. (He steers them towards a bench and sits between them)
PC Maxwell-Jones
Now, Gentleman, describe the process that brought on this battle. You first Sir. (He points to man 1)
Man 1
That Arse Hooole drunk my Carlsberg. MY CARLSBERG!!
Man 2
I didn’t know it was yours did I. There was no fooking name on it.
PC Maxwell-Jones
Calm gentleman please. (He turns to man 2) Were you honestly unaware that said Carlsbergs was not yours for consumption.
Man 2
I thought it was mine.
Man 1
Lying bastard!
PC Maxwell –Jones
(Turns to face Man 1). Right Sir! Where was said Carlsberg at the time it was wrongly consumed.
Man 1
I left it alone for 2 minutes to use the loo. 2 minutes. I tell you, you take your eye off what belongs to you for a second and some Twat steals it.
Man 2
You should have took it with you or left it in the care of someone.
PC Maxwell-Jones
(Holds his and up) Stop! Look! Listen & Think. Right this gentleman here (points to man 1) states that he did not knowingly absorb what was not in truth his. You Sir (turns to face man 1) have to accept that said Carlsberg was not consumed with malice but infact blind, alcohol induced, ignorance. (The men look at each other) May I suggest that You sir (points to man 2) pay the cost of said Carlsberg to the victim of crime & close this matter forthwith, with a gentleman’s handshake.
Man 2 pays up and both men shake hands.
PC Hammer shrugs.
PC Maxwell-Jones
So Gentleman this concludes our encounter. Do you see why physical violence is against the law and deeply unnecessary. (The men nod and walk away in opposite directions).
Now then, Hammer, Pin Head……………
As they exit the scene the camera pans to the patron urinating up another shop window and the two men fighting again.
Man 2
(Singing) I drunk your CARLSSBERG, It tasted glorious. It was probably the best CARLSBERG in the world.
