FREE BOOK: Jokeboy Page 2

Eydis it started off better than I expected after reading this thread. In fact I liked it a lot up to about the part where she got three hundred heads. The language style and level of pitch changed. WHen writing for children it is important to keep consistent with the age you are pitching at. Also if you are to have a moral in a story, a lesson to teach, it is through the architecture of the narrative that the points are made. After the 300 heads you simply started making statements outside of narrative. This then becomes not storytelling but lecturing. It is the curse of theory coming before creativity raising one of its many heads. But I did like the start, the rhythm and bounce and poetic brevity of the sentences.

Hmmm, what age range is that aimed at?

The frustration for me Mark is the writing, illustration and presentation is good.

But the actually story doesn't hold together and it's kinda unpleasant. You can do dark kid's stories but when you don't appear to like your central character or respect them it feeling like literary bullying.

The Gryla looked more like a goblin than a troll to my mind.

Quote: sootyj @ May 15 2011, 11:39 AM BST

The frustration for me Mark is the writing, illustration and presentation is good.

But the actually story doesn't hold together and it's kinda unpleasant. You can do dark kid's stories but when you don't appear to like your central character or respect them it feeling like literary bullying.

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Well I suppose it is a modern take on the boy who cried wolf kind of stories. And I agree with you re writing - up until as I say the 300 heads bit and then it changes to more of a kind of proselytising style - which is a shame. As it's showcase not critique I guess she won't rework, which is a bit of a shame in my opinion.

Pah to Showcase, I calls 'em as I see 'em.

The Boy who crys wolf, is punished after having a lot of fun.

Actually the book that f**ks with my head is Not Now Bernard.

Quote: sootyj @ May 15 2011, 11:51 AM BST

Pah to Showcase, I calls 'em as I see 'em.

The Boy who crys wolf, is punished after having a lot of fun.

Actually the book that f**ks with my head is Not Now Bernard.

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Mike Winters autobiography?

Oh very good.

That was okay but dull in places - the snore bits.

Quote: Marc P @ May 12 2011, 9:09 AM BST

Eydis it started off better than I expected after reading this thread. In fact I liked it a lot up to about the part where she got three hundred heads. The language style and level of pitch changed. WHen writing for children it is important to keep consistent with the age you are pitching at. Also if you are to have a moral in a story, a lesson to teach, it is through the architecture of the narrative that the points are made. After the 300 heads you simply started making statements outside of narrative. This then becomes not storytelling but lecturing. It is the curse of theory coming before creativity raising one of its many heads. But I did like the start, the rhythm and bounce and poetic brevity of the sentences.

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Bless you pet, for that.

I was gonna send a private message to reply to your insightful comment because I didn't want to drag this thread yet again up, but kept forgetting and, well, before I knew it summer was over...I don't know where time runs off to all the time. Anyway. I'm sorry about that, because I really appreciate your comment, as I also appreciate all the other comments, which is why, upon noticing there were more comments here, I decided to simply post my reply in the thread after all.

Now, finally, to my point. The funny thing is, as I was writing the story I was aware of how the rythm and vocabulary and the whole tone of the story changes at that shift you mention (after 300 heads). During the first part I was simply "writing a story", whereas during the second part my ethnological side took over. So, I know what you mean and, again, appreciate the comment. That shift always felt a bit awkward because I sensed the discrepancy, the border between two halves that didn't quite fit yet at the same time felt so stuck together that I didn't know how to separate them. Like siamese twins.

As for the showcase vs. rework, i'm not shy to rework things. Funnily enough, I had already contemplated that before seeing those comments. I just didn't want to do anything hasty with it, knowing I was in that "too familiar with the text" phase. You know, when you read the text or essay over a million times but aren't really comprehending it anymore and don't notice those obvious typos. Which is why I've been keeping it at the backburner. I'm in no hurry, and am sure I'll stumble upon a neat way to separate my little siamese twin, when the mood strikes me.

So yes, to repeat myself yet again, I'd just like to thank all those who have commented. It's greatly appreciated.