Just Like That! Page 2

Thanks Aaron

I think you have some valid points, so obviously I`ll take them on board, but it`s not the polished draft and they are fifteen. Conversation is fast and furious at that age and you don`t tend to think before you speak.

The thing is, I`ve been used to writing in the larger narrative and have only been trying sketches for the last three weeks. Not a long tine, but I determined to have a go, take the critique, learn from it and get on. It would a whole lot easier not to post and to sit back.

Maybe I should stay in the horror genre that I`m more comfortable in. I`m seriously starting to wonder, but I desperately want to learn, so I have to take the flack. It`s how it is and I understand that.

I guess why are any teenage girls friends? Sometimes they just are. It`s a whole different thought process when you`re a teenager and they don`t dissect things like us. Hopefully the sensible ones are just allowed to be themselves and grow up at their own speed.

To be honest, I saw Keisha as black and not the slag type at all, she just wanted to be famous.

Any critique of my earlier threads would be greatly appreciated too

When I began to read through I hoped this wasn't going into Catherine Tate territory which, thankfully, it didn't. Although it read very well, as a sketch it was very lightweight but as this is going to be a series then I reckon it's a very important part of the development and construction process.

It did put me in mind of John Sullivan. Yes, he does come up with cracking stuff but he also has nice gentle comedy running through his work. Cliffy, Vince's brother in 'Just Good Friends' was an excellent example of how to bring in a teen character, just like you did with yours which made it very readable.

Looking forward to seeing more, as and when you post it.

Quote: Aaron @ June 3, 2007, 12:35 AM

Keisha 'broke' far too easily for it to be believable for me. IRL, she'd carry on for at least another one collective before admitting that "people" is really just her Mum and Dad. Maybe after Harley says "Narrow it," she can come out with something, and Harley just looks at her in an unimpressed, almost disapproving manner, then Keisha admits. Or something. Either way, just doesn't sound right at the moment.

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I reckon she would 'break' that quickly, especially if the girls are friends. Keisha would know that there's no point in hanging on. And sometimes it's best to avoid the format cliches anyway.

Admittedly, sometimes it isn't.

I've said this before... but so much is gleaned from the actor's/actress's delivery. Which is why I can't write this stuff. I just don't understand how to convert what's in my head into a script, that everyone 'gets' as I intend.

Quote: Baumski @ June 3, 2007, 9:21 AM

When I began to read through I hoped this wasn't going into Catherine Tate territory which, thankfully, it didn't. Although it read very well, as a sketch it was very lightweight but as this is going to be a series then I reckon it's a very important part of the development and construction process.

It did put me in mind of John Sullivan. Yes, he does come up with cracking stuff but he also has nice gentle comedy running through his work. Cliffy, Vince's brother in 'Just Good Friends' was an excellent example of how to bring in a teen character, just like you did with yours which made it very readable.

Looking forward to seeing more, as and when you post it.

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Hi Baumski, thanks for your comments, much appreciated

I`ll post more as it develops.

Quote: charley rance @ June 3, 2007, 2:47 AM

OI Aaron you never comment on my stuff. Oiiiiii Peeps favouritism. Oiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!! LOL Jesting, but it is true.

Azza I have a kitten and i will do harm...................

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'Cos.

Quote: Jude @ June 3, 2007, 3:10 AM

I guess why are any teenage girls friends? Sometimes they just are. It`s a whole different thought process when you`re a teenager and they don`t dissect things like us. Hopefully the sensible ones are just allowed to be themselves and grow up at their own speed.

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Perhaps so. But then people watching any such show - and certainly commissioners, I'd have thought - would be dissecting things like that. But anyway, yeah...

Quote: Jude @ June 3, 2007, 3:10 AM

To be honest, I saw Keisha as black and not the slag type at all, she just wanted to be famous.

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If you've never seen it, you REALLY need to get yourself Bromwell High on DVD. Absolutely hilarious, and has characters just like that. A black girl called Keisha for one.

Quote: Darren Goldsmith @ June 3, 2007, 12:59 PM

I reckon she would 'break' that quickly, especially if the girls are friends. Keisha would know that there's no point in hanging on.

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Ah, but that's not how they think. Girls like that don't want to look bad in front of friends! Although, again, it would depend on how the characters had been established previously. If they were really close - like, twins close - then yeah, she may very well break down so soon. But otherwise, I'm sticking with my original instinct.

Quote: charley rance @ June 3, 2007, 2:47 AM

OI Aaron you never comment on my stuff. Oiiiiii Peeps favouritism. Oiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!! LOL Jesting, but it is true.

Azza I have a kitten and i will do harm...................

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I've never seen him comment on *anyone* else's stuff before. Maybe inspired by recent critique discussions....? The more the merrier.

You've just not been around long enough.

doesn't feel like that

Quote: Darren Goldsmith @ June 3, 2007, 12:59 PM

And sometimes it's best to avoid the format cliches anyway.

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Whether a person would break and at what point isn't really a format cliche but more consistency of character.

Everyone has different breaking points and break for different reasons. If you can justify it from the character's POV then fine, if not or if other people seem to think it's too early then maybe the character needs to have its boundaries set more clearly so that people can understand WHY she broke when she did.

Thanks for your comments Darren, Aaron, Badge and SlagA, much appreciated

Aaron, I haven`t seen it yet, so I`m looking forward to a bit of Bromwell High!

Hi SlagA, I`ve been reading through and I do agree if others think it`s too early, then I do need to work on the set up to show why Keisha broke when she did and I`ll make sure it`s clear in the rewrite

For me, this is a bit of over-analysis. There's no reason why she *shouldn't* break like that - because we don't know their back story. I've no problem with it.

Thanks Badge, now I`m confused

No, actually I know what you mean. Basically, Keisha and Harley`s back story is that they`re just a couple of teenagers who`ve known each other for years, so they have no point in keeping things back from one another.

But from the point of view of anyone reading it cold, then I can also see the reasons for their comments!

OmiGod! Now I`m sitting on the fence lol!

And it was just meant it as a simple sketch, so I agree, yes some over-analysis too!

I liked it, I liked the familiarity they had with each other, their good friends and that came across in such a short time.

I have no problem believing these two are friends and that they trust each others opinion.

Keep it up and their relationship will grow and the dialogue will feel even more natural.

I'm glad you didn't over chav it as well, I'm bored of that with Tate and Little Britain.

Thanks Leevil

I liked it. It needs an extra joke for me, maybe in the middle, so the dialogue travels (I have no idea what that means either). Also I have this image that they're both in Fezes putting on Tommy Cooper accents when they say 'Just like that.' So you may want to change that but probably not as it will sound completely different when its read. It just sounds similar when written.

PS I agree with all Aaron's comments as I am still afraid of his mace.