Scene: doctor's surgery. Doctor is seated at his desk in front of a computer. He pushes the intercom.
"Carol, send the next one in please."
Man knocks on door and enters nervously, looking around. He is obviously in pain. Doctor looks at him expectantly, waiting, says nothing. After a moment, as it becomes clear the patient is not going to speak, the doctor rolls his eyes, mutters something under his breath and snaps "Yes?"
"Well, it's just," begins the man nervously, a little unsure about the bruaque reception he is getting, "I have this pain in my chest and ..."
Doctor rolls his eyes again, faces his computer, taps on the keyboard, moves the mouse around, shakes his head and looks up irritably at the patient.
"No, no!" he snaps. "That will not do at all!"
"I'm sorry?" the patient replies, getting more nervous and unsure.
"You have to say 'Doctor, doctor!' before you tell me what your complaint is!" the doctor advises him. "Haven't you been watching the news, man?"
Completely lost, the man spreads his hands and begins again. "Er, Doctor Doctor, I have this pain in my ..." but again he is cut off by the doctor, who is getting increasingly annoyed and losing his patience.
"No, that's not it!" he snaps. "You have to say something humourous! You allow me the opportunity to make a witty reply to your supposed malady. THAT's how it's done!"
Visibly in pain and beginning to double over now, the stressed patient looks at the doctor with disbelieving eyes. He is unable to say anything. The doctor punches the intercom irritably. "Here, let me show you how it's done. Carol, would you please send the next patient in please?"
A moment later an old lady appears in the doorway, leaning on a wooden walking-stick. "Doctor, doctor!" she wheezes. "I feel like I'm an alarm clock!"
"Don't be alarmed," the doctor replies, and the woman grins. "Does that feel better?" he asks her, and she nods, thanks him and leaves. The doctor turns back to the original patient, who has been watching the scene with increasing incomprehension and disbelief, and is also clutching his chest.
"You see?" the doctor says by way of explanation. "It's easy. You just make something up, and I joke back about it. Everyone's happy. But you need to give me something to work with. I can't do much with 'I've a pain in the chest', other than perhaps to remark 'At least you're not a pain in the arse' --- and that doesn't really work. Line doesn't scan, you see?"
"But, but, but I really DO have a pain --- ARRGH! --- in the chest!" declares the troubled man. The doctor shakes his head sadly.
"I can't do anything for you," he says. "Government cut funding to the healthcare sector, now all we can do is offer comfort through gentle jokes and humourous asides. It seems to help people though. Like they say, laughter is the best medicine."
The man by now has dropped to the floor, his breathing short and ragged, and laboured. The doctor looks at him, considering. He returns to his desk, fires up the computer again.
"Hmm. You sort of look like a turtle down there, trying to get up," he observes, more to himself than the patient. "Let's see... I'm sure there was some joke in here about a turtle. Turtles, turtles...."
(Note: this didn't really work as I had hoped. I think the idea is ok but maybe, as some of you will probably agree, the execution leaves something to be desired. Any suggestions welcomed...)
