Just thought I would post the whole 30 minute script and ride on the current sitcommission wave for a bit of critique.
2 dipsarate couples, Adam & Mad and Tina & Darren, one house. Tried to keep things as simple as possible, long scenes to make it easily staged which some might find hard-going. Adam and Mad try to make a break from Tina and Darren when their unsettling sex life continues to spill in to their lives.
SCENE 1. INT. GRUBBY LIVING ROOM - EVENING
ADAM AND MADELINE (BOTH MID-20's) ARE SAT ON THE SOFA LOOKING AT A MAGAZINE.
ADAM
'Ten ways you know your boyfriend's a loser'. Christ, I can't believe you read these things.
MADELINE
Number 10, 'When he eats dinner, he undoes his trousers'. Number 9, 'He's not wearing any trousers...'
MAD LOOKS AT ADAM IN TINY SHORTS.
ADAM
(DEFENSIVELY) What? These are special pygmy trousers. Stop reading that rubbish.
ADAM GOES TO TAKE THE MAGAZINE FROM MAD, SHE PULLS IT AWAY. TINA (20's, OVERWEIGHT AND MONOTONE) ENTERS FROM BEHIND.
MADELINE
Number 8, 'He doesn't want you to read any more because you'll realise what a loser he is'. (LOOKS TO ADAM) Spooky.
ADAM
Give me that!
HE TRIES TO TAKE THE MAGAZINE; THEY ROLL AROUND PLAYFULLY ON THE SOFA. TINA SITS FACING THE COUPLE AND WATCHES THEM WITH A HANG DOG EXPRESSION.
MADELINE
(BREAKS FROM PLAYING; TO TINA) Uhm, I thought we had the place to ourselves tonight.
TINA
No. Don't stop; I don't mind watching.
ADAM
We do!
MADELINE
Haven't you got anything else to do? Maybe you could do the dishes?
TINA
Nah.
ADAM AND MAD LOOK TO EACH OTHER.
MADELINE
There's some ice cream out there you can have, but could you... (FLICKS HEAD TO DOOR)
TINA
Oh right.
EXIT TINA.
ADAM
(WATCHES TINA LEAVE) Did you have to give my ice cream away?
MADELINE
(WITH MOCK SYMPATHY) Aww, liddle Addy wan-ed ice cweam!
ADAM
First you mock me for wearing small trousers and then you give away my ice cream...there must be something in there about evil girlfriends...
ADAM POUNCES ON MAD TRYING TO TAKE THE MAGAZINE. TINA RE-ENTERS WITH ICE CREAM,
ASSUMES HER POSITION AND EATS MESSILY.
ADAM
What are you doing?!
TINA
(MOUTH FULL) Eating.
THEY STARE AT EACH OTHER SILENTLY.
ADAM
(SADLY; TO MAD) She's eating my ice cream.
MADELINE
Come on, let's just go upstairs.
TINA
(ABRUPTLY) Can I have a kiss?
ADAM
What?
TINA
Can I have a kiss?
ADAM
Who are you asking?
TINA
You; I want a kiss. I like kisses.
ADAM
But you've got ice cream all around your face.
MADELINE
You're not considering it?
TINA WIPES AWAY THE ICE CREAM, CLOSES HER EYES AND PURSES HER LIPS.
ADAM
No! I just want to know what she's up to.
TINA
I'll tell Darren what you did.
ADAM
What?
TINA
I'll tell him you touched me.
MADELINE
Come on, she's just being stupid.
THEY GO TO GET UP; TINA SUDDENLY BUNDLES ON TOP OF THEM.
MADELINE
What are you doing? Get up!
ADAM
Why do you smell of Pritt stick?
ENTER DARREN (EARLY 30's; SLOBNOXIOUS). TINA CONTINUES TO WRITHE ON ADAM AND
MAD.
DARREN
Where's Tina? I need washing.
TINA GETS UP.
TINA
(FAKE SOBBING) Darren...they forced themselves on to me...and touched my sponge volcano.
DARREN
You should've called me...I don't mind swapping.
DARREN LOOKS AT MAD LECHEROUSLY; SHE SQUIRMS.
ADAM
(PULLS MAD CLOSE) In your dreams!
DARREN
How did you know? Have you read my diary?!
TINA
Aren't you going to hit him?
DARREN
I think it's only fair now you've touched my girlfriend, you return the favour.
MADELINE
I'm not some bargaining tool, like a camel!
DARREN
What about an innocent little kiss?
ADAM
What's innocent about a kiss?
TINA
There's nothing innocent about my kisses.
MADELINE
No one is kissing me, ok?!
DARREN
Right, come on Tina, this has got me all worked up.
HE LEADS TINA OUT.
TINA
Can we use the suits?
DARREN
If you want, but don't forget the safety word again.
EXIT DARREN AND TINA.
ADAM
Remind me, why do we live with them?
MADELINE
Rent's cheap...
FADE TO:
SCENE 2. INT. PLUSH FLAT: KITCHEN - DAY
JOAN (ESTATE AGENT; EARLY 50's; BESPECTACLED AND STRAIGHT-LACED) SHOWS ADAM AND MADELINE AROUND; THEY CHECK CUPBOARD DOORS.
JOAN
So will you be moving in together?
ADAM
That's what I've been told.
MAD GLARES AT ADAM.
JOAN
The landlord only wants professional couples. He had a bad experience with his last tenants.
MADELINE
What was the problem?
JOAN
They were both fishmongers.
MADELINE
Oh, neither of us...
ADAM
(INTERJECTING) It takes guts to do that job.
JOAN
What do you mean?
MADELINE
Nothing, he means nothing.
ADAM
You know, fish mongers, guts...?
MADELINE
(GRITTED TEETH; HUSHLY TO ADAM) We're a professional couple.
JOAN
So what do you both do?
MADELINE
Well, I work in finance...
ADAM
Finance?! You work on the checkouts! (MAD SEETHES) Oh yeah, finance...and I work in imports and exports.
JOAN
My son works in that field. Who do you work for?
ADAM
Uhm, EBay.
JOAN
Dealing in what, exactly?
MADELINE
(INTERJECTING) Rare novels and figurines.
ADAM
Yeah, mostly comics and toys (MAD DESPAIRS); but I also sell trading cards, top trumps, Star Wars bubble bath, Incredible Hulk fists, you know the ones...(PUNCHES FISTS TOGETHER; DEEP VOICE) Hulk smash!
MADELINE
Could we see the living room, please?
JOAN
Yes, it's just through here.
EXIT JOAN THROUGH PASSAGE.
MADELINE
Look if you want "alone time", and you know what I mean, you'd better start acting like a professional, ok?!
ADAM TAKES STOCK.
CUT TO:
SCENE 3. INT. PLUSH FLAT: LIVING ROOM - DAY
JOAN STANDS IN THE CENTRE; MAD AND ADAM ENTER. ADAM BRIEFLY TAKES STOCK THEN FLINGS HIS ARMS OUT.
ADAM
(POSH VOICE) What a positively, wonderful room! (LOOKS TO MAD FOR APPROVAL; SHE STARES AT THE GROUND) These cabinets look just like the ones ma ma and pa pa used to have.
JOAN
Yes, they're from Ikea; newly fitted. The units all had to be replaced when the fishmongers left.
ADAM
(FAUX ANNOYANCE) Ooh, those bloody...buggers.
MAD GESTURES TURNING DOWN THE VOLUME TO ADAM; JOAN CATCHES SIGHT OF HER.
MADELINE
(CONTINUING GESTURE) Uhm...dimmer switches! Are there any dimmer switches?
JOAN
Yes, so there will be mood lighting for... (LOOKS AT ADAM; SNEERS) romantic evenings.
ADAM STARTS TURNING THE LIGHTS UP AND DOWN.
MADELINE
I should be so lucky.
JOAN
Well, I trust everything you've seen is to your liking?
MADELINE
Oh yes, I love it.
MAD PULLS ADAM AWAY FROM THE DIMMER SWITCHES.
JOAN
When would you be looking to move in?
MADELINE
Asap.
ADAM MOCKS MAD; PRETENDING TO HOLD A TEA CUP WITH HIS PINKY ALOFT.
ADAM
(MIMICKING POSH) Oh yes, Asap.
JOAN
Well, rent is a thousand pounds a month but I think the landlord may be willing to move a little on price.
ADAM
By 'a little' do you mean a thousand pounds?
JOAN
Why? Is the price going to be a problem?
ADAM
Er, yeah; we're poor. I have to fight mice if I want a cheese sandwich.
MAD PUNCHES ADAM ON THE ARM.
MADELINE
We might be able to afford it, if you got "another" job.
ADAM
Another one?! Don't you think I do enough?
MADELINE
No!
ADAM
I don't know, I get up at eleven o'clock every morning just to put food on the table and this is what I get.
MADELINE
It's called breakfast, Adam; everyone has it.
JOAN
Have you considered duel tenancy? We have another couple interested and the large study could easily be used as an extra bedroom.
MADELINE
We're trying to get away from two people as it is...but if they don't mind having the small room, then...
ADAM
But I thought that could be Lara Croft's room!
MADELINE
Oh no, you're not bringing her with us!
ADAM
She's got to come; who will I talk to otherwise?
MADELINE
Uhm, me.
ADAM
Pfft! Lara never goes blabbing to her bitchy friends.
MADELINE
That's because she hasn't got any friends and more importantly, she's a blow-up doll!
ADAM
Don't you ever talk about her like that!
JOAN CLEARS THROAT.
JOAN
Do you need to discuss this in your own time and get back to me?
MADELINE
No. We'll take it!
ADAM CROSSES HIS ARMS HUFFILY.
CUT TO:
SCENE 4. INT. LIVING ROOM - EVENING
DARREN (TOPLESS) IS BOXING; HE PUNCHES AT TINA'S PADDED HANDS.
TINA
That's it...come on, Darren...whose head are you punching?
DARREN
My dad...yeah, it's my dad...and his face is all bloody. (HE HOOKS AT HER LEFT HAND) That's it! I've broken his nose.
HE BOUNCES AROUND LIKE A CHAMPION
TINA
You're all sweaty now.
SHE GOES TO MOP HIS BROW
DARREN
Get off me, dad, get off me!
HE SWINGS AT TINA; SHE FALLS ON THE SOFA. ENTER MAD AND ADAM.
ADAM
...and that's when he realised it wasn't edible!
THEY BOTH LAUGH
TINA
(SNEERING) Why are you two so happy?
MADELINE
Oh, no reason.
ADAM
Yeah, no reason.
ADAM LOOKS TO MAD AND TAPS HIS NOSE.
DARREN
Why did you touch your nose?
ADAM
I was checking it was still there.
TINA
Why?
ADAM
Well, so I know I can still smell.
MADELINE
Speaking of smells, It stinks of rotten onions in here.
DARREN
(LEERS) Yeah, It's my pheromones.
MADELINE
(REPULSED) Lovely.
TINA
Come and let me smell, Darren.
DARREN WALKS OVER TO TINA AND PROFFERS HIS ARMPIT; SHE TAKES A BIG SNIFF.
MADELINE
(CLASPS HANDS IN PRAYER; MOUTHS) Thank God we're leaving.
ADAM
(CUPS EAR) Sorry?
MAD DESPAIRS.
FADE TO:
SCENE 5. INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
ADAM AND MAD ARE STUFFING BAGS AND SUITCASES WITH CLOTHES AND TAT.
MADELINE
(HUSHLY) Take that lamp; it's ours.
ADAM
Ugh! What's on it?
HE FLICKS HIS FINGERS.
MADELINE
Shush! Just stick it in a bag.
ADAM
But it's all wet!
MADELINE
Look, give it here...ugh, what is that?
ADAM
That's what I said. (BEAT) Maybe it's ectoplasm! I always said this place was haunted.
MADELINE
Well, we know there are two horrible creatures here.
ADAM
Shall I take a sample?
MADELINE
No! Just pack everything up before they come out.
ADAM
Have you told the landlord we're leaving?
MADELINE
Of course not; he's Tina's dad.
ADAM
But what happens when he finds out we've gone?
MADELINE
Nothing; we didn't sign a contract.
ADAM
We signed something when we moved in.
MADELINE
That was a cheque, Adam. You'd know about them if you ever paid for anything.
ADAM
I paid for dinner last night!
MADELINE
Yes, sorry, I forgot to thank you for those lovely mini sausages with beans.
ADAM
...and toast!
MADELINE
Oh yes, and burnt toast. Anyway, pack all that away, they'll be in to watch 'Whale Autopsy' soon.
THEY BRIEFLY RESUME PACKING.
ADAM
It's exciting, isn't it?
MADELINE
What is?
ADAM
The thought of getting caught!
MADELINE
Well, we won't be if you hurry up.
ADAM
Yeah, but it's making me feel things.
HE SIDLES UP NEXT TO MAD.
MADELINE
Oh no! The mouse will have to stay in his house.
ADAM
Mouse?! (PROUDLY) It's more like a rat...or a mongoose!
MADELINE
Come on, stop wasting time...and put your light sabre away.
ADAM
(HOLDS HIS CROTCH) What? I haven't...
MADELINE
Nooo...
SHE POINTS TO THE LIGHT SABRE ON THE SETTEE.
ADAM
Oh. Could you get it?
ADAM KEEPS HOLD OF HIS CROTCH. MAD ROLLS HER EYES, PICKS UP THE LIGHT SABRE, LOOKS TO ADAM AND CLOSES IT DOWN ANGRILY; ADAM WINCES.
FADE TO:
SCENE 6. INT. NEW FLAT: LIVING ROOM - EVENING
MAD IS ARRANGING FLOWERS ON THE COFFEE TABLE WHILST ADAM UNPACKS.
MADELINE
(SIGHS IN RELIEF) It's so nice to be away from them.
ADAM
Yeah, no more damp socks left everywhere, dried baked beans in the kitchen, hair left in the bathroom...
MADELINE
...that was you!
ADAM
(IGNORING MAD'S SENTIMENT) Yeah, I think we'll get on well here.
ADAM PICKS UP A LARGE PRINT PICTURE AND POSITIONS IT ON THE WALL.
ADAM
Does this look straight?
WE SEE IT IS A BLOWN-UP CANVAS PHOTO OF ADAM PULLING A SILLY FACE.
MADELINE
There is no way that's staying there.
ADAM
But it's a picture of me: you've got to like it!
MADELINE
No, I don't! Anyway, I'm going to put some of my paintings there.
ADAM
The ones you did with potatoes or your fingers?
MAD BEGINS TO RAISE HER HAND TO 'FLIP THE BIRD'.
ADAM
Oh, the finger paintings.
FX:KEYS JANGLING IN A LOCK.
ADAM
Who's that?
MADELINE
It's probably our housemates; stand up straight. (SHE POOFS HER HAIR) Do I look important?
ADAM
How can you look important?
MADELINE
Looking nothing like you would be a start. Take that down and come and put your arm around me.
ADAM
Yes, miss.
HE TAKES THE PICTURE DOWN AND STANDS WITH HIS ARM AROUND MAD. ENTER TINA AND DARREN.
ADAM
What are you doing here?!
TINA
We're moving in.
MADELINE
But you can't live here.
DARREN
Yeah, we can; it's her dad's house.
ADAM
Another one?! Is your dad Donald Trumpington of England or something?
TINA STARES BLANKLY.
MADELINE
Why have you moved?
DARREN
Isn't it obvious?
MADELINE
No.
DARREN
We wanted to get away from you two.
MADELINE
You, get away from us?!
TINA
Yeah, we want to live with like-minded people.
ADAM
(SCOFFS) You thought you'd meet like-minded people?!
TINA
Yeah, well, you're creepy.
ADAM
Me...creepy?!
TINA
Always undressing me with your eyes.
ADAM
(SICKENED) I'd rather be blind.
DARREN
...and you're boring.
MADELINE
I'm not boring! (BEAT) What about all those mad parties I used to throw?
TINA
What, those wine tasting sleepovers?
MADELINE
Yeah, they used to get preeetty rowdy. (ADAM CURLS NOSE AND SHAKES HIS HEAD) Not even the one where I bought that great big wheel of brie and melted it in the microwave...? (ADAM SHAKES HIS HEAD)
DARREN BEGINS PUTTING AN INAPPROPRIATE POSTER, OF A SCANTILY CLAD WOMAN, UP ON THE WALL.
ADAM
Oh no, no, no, no.
DARREN
What's wrong with you? You turned in to the Churchill dog?
ADAM
That's where my picture's going!
ADAM TRIES TO PUT HIS PICTURE UP BUT DARREN HOLDS HIM BACK WITH HIS HAND ON HIS HEAD.
TINA
Where can I put my skulls?
MADELINE
Oh god, you haven't brought them?!
TINA
Of course I have, they're my pets.
ADAM
You mean they were your pets!
TINA PULLS OUT A STRING OF LITTLE SKULLS FROM A BAG AND BEGINS TO POSITION THEM AGAINST A WALL.
MADELINE
No! I am not living like this again!
DARREN
Well, we're not leaving.
ADAM
And neither are we!
ADAM THRUSTS HIS PICTURE OVER DARREN'S POSTER; THE COMBINATION OF THE TWO NOW GIVE THE APPEARANCE OF ADAM HAVING A SEXY FEMALE BODY.
CUT TO:
SCENE 7. INT. KITCHEN - EVENING
MAD MAKES SOME TEA; ADAM IS TAKING CROCKERY FROM A BOX.
MADELINE
I can't believe we're paying more to live with them.
ADAM
I suppose it could be worse.
MADELINE
How?
ADAM
Well, Tina's dad could be living with us.
MADELINE
This is where the doorbell rings and he is.
THEY STAND STILL AND LISTEN.
MADELINE
I think all this has given me a headache; have you got the medicine bag there?
ADAM RUMMAGES
ADAM
Sleeping tablets!
ADAM HOLDS THEM ALOFT.
MADELINE
No; I said 'headache'.
ADAM
We could use these!
MADELINE
Why? It's only 8?
ADAM
No, not for us; for them.
MADELINE
What do you mean?
ADAM
We could crush them in a drink and give it to those two.
MADELINE
But how would them being asleep solve anything?
ADAM
Uhm...when they fall asleep we could...bury them!
MADELINE
I don't want to kill them! (ADAM LOOKS AT HER DOUBTINGLY) Not yet at least.
ADAM
Come on, let's do it! You know you want to.
HE SHAKES PACKET OF TABLETS.
MADELINE
No!
ADAM
But we could draw things on their faces, put their hands in cold water, the options are endless!
MADELINE
O...K...you're enjoying the thought of this a little too much.
ADAM
It's alright; I'd never do it to you...as long as you obey me.
MADELINE
Pah! Are they still in there?
ADAM
I hope not; Newsnight's on in a minute.
MADELINE
You? Newsnight?
ADAM
Yeah, they're talking about the economy...
MADELINE
Come on, what's the real reason?
ADAM
Is it that hard to believe I want to be well-informed?
MADELINE
Yes!
ADAM
Alright, 'Her Royal Juiciness' is one of the guests.
MADELINE
Who?
ADAM
Kirsty Allsopp.
MADELINE
(ROLLS EYES) You're obsessed! Why do you even like her?
ADAM
She's just so... (HE SHIVERS WHILST HUGGING HIMSELF) I want her to have my babies.
MADELINE
Well, that's a mistake I won't be making. See if they're still in there.
ADAM PEERS AROUND THE DOOR, THEN SHOOTS BACK.
ADAM
Oh...my...god, I think I need to wash my eyes.
MADELINE
What are they doing?
ADAM
You don't want to know.
MADELINE PULLS A DISBELIEVING FACE AND PEERS AROUND; SHE SHOOTS BACK LOOKING AGHAST.
MADELINE
What are we going to do?
ADAM
Call the police?
MADELINE
I don't think I can stay here.
ADAM
We can't move again. I've only just finished posing my toys in humourous positions.
MADELINE
Not Charlie Brown and Snoopy 69ing again?
ADAM
Uhm...
MADELINE
Well, if we stay we need to set some ground rules.
ADAM
Yeah, number one: they can't do that.
ADAM POINTS TO THE LIVING ROOM.
MADELINE
We can't live like this; you'll have to go and tell them.
ADAM
Me?!
MADELINE
You are the man of the house. Well, you're meant to be.
ADAM PUFFS OUT HIS CHEST AND WALKS TO THE DOOR; HE STOPS, DOES AN ABOUT TURN AND PUTS ON A PAIR OF NIGHTSHADES FROM THE MEDICINE BAG THEN WALKS IN.
ADAM (OOV)
You've got to stop this...I've seen what you're doing you perverts and it's sick...alright? Are you listening to me? Come on, answer me! (DELAY) Oh...
ADAM REENTERS KITCHEN NO LONGER WEARING NIGHTSHADES.
MADELINE
So...?
ADAM
They weren't in there.
MADELINE
Well, we still need to tell them that new house means new rules.
ADAM
You can tell them tomorrow then.
MADELINE
Why?
ADAM
Well, I told them just then.
MADELINE
But they weren't in there.
ADAM
Yeah, but I didn't know that.
MADELINE
Alright, I'll tell them tomorrow. But this means you have to clean the sofa.
MADELINE HANDS A GRIM-LOOKING ADAM A PAIR OF MARIGOLDS AND A CLOTH.
FADE TO:
SCENE 8. INT. PLUSH FLAT: LIVING ROOM - MORNING
MAD CHEERFULLY HOPS IN WEARING HER BUNNY RABBIT PRINT PYJAMAS. SHE SEES PEOPLE ARE LYING UNDER A BIG DUVET ON THE SOFA. MAD SIGHS.
MADELINE
Come on, get up; you can't carry on like this. Oi get up!
MAD POKES THEM WITH A MAGAZINE. THEY GRADUALLY STIR. TINA AND DARREN, SIDE-BY-SIDE, PULL THE DUVET BACK, ONE OF THEM IS WEARING A PIG MASK THE OTHER A WOLF MASK. MAD SCREAMS.
DARREN
(MUMBLES THROUGH PIG MASK) It's only us.
MAD BEATS THEM WITH THE MAGAZINE.
MADELINE
Get out! Get out!
TINA AND DARREN TAKE THEIR MASKS OFF.
DARREN
It's us, you idiot.
ADAM RUSHES IN.
ADAM
What's going on? I heard lady screams.
MADELINE
He was a pig and she was a wolf!
ADAM
Have you been having those nightmares again?
MADELINE
No!
MAD HOLDS UP THE PIG AND WOLF MASKS.
ADAM
Oh, not that again. What was it last time? Pandas?
TINA NODS SILENTLY WITH A HINT OF A SMILE.
MADELINE
All of this has got to stop.
DARREN
Why? She was only trying to blow my house down.
MADELINE
What does that even mean?!
DARREN
Well, I was a little piggy and she was trying to blow...
MADELINE
I don't want to know!
ADAM
I only cleaned that sofa last night!
DARREN
(MOCK BABY CRYING) Waa, waa, waa. Can you two clear off now? We've got unfinished business to see to.
MADELINE
No; we're not leaving until you agree to some new house rules. Adam?
MAD PUTS HER HAND OUT.
ADAM
What?
MADELINE
Bring me the list.
ADAM HURRIES OFF.
TINA
If there are rules and I break them, will I be punished?
DARREN
You'll just have to wait and see, won't you?
TINA RAISES A LITTLE, SINISTER SMILE. ADAM ENTERS WITH A SHEET OF PAPER.
MADELINE
Right, these are just a few of the changes.
ADAM HANDS MAD THE SHEET. SHE DROPS THE BOTTOM OF THE PAPER; IT UNRAVELS TO REVEAL A THREE FEET LONG LIST.
DARREN
(LAUGHING) You've got to be joking.
MADELINE
Nope. Things have got to change.
ADAM NODS WITH SERIOUS FACE.
CUT TO:
END CREDITS CRAWLER
INT. PLUSH FLAT: LIVING ROOM - DAY
MAD IS SAT GLARING AT ADAM WITH THE RULE LIST SCREWED UP IN FRONT OF THEM.
ADAM
All I put was they have to pay double.
MAD CONTINUES TO GLARE AT ADAM.
ADAM
Well, you put 'no sex noises'.
MAD CONTINUES TO GLARE AT ADAM.
ADAM
They'll agree to everything else eventually; they'll have to!
MADELINE
What? Even the rule 'no breathing'?
ADAM BRIEFLY CONTEMPLATES.
ADAM
Yeah, hopefully!
END OF EPISODE
