My first ever Newsjack sketch

Looking at the newsjack thread I thought I might aswell work on some stuff early. Initially it was 9th Feb but it now looks as though it will be 23rd. This sketch won't work on 23rd so I thought I would share and get feedback if poss.

NATIONAL DOODLE DAY.

INT. THE SOUND OF LARGE ENGINES IN THE BACKGROUND.

MAN 1:What are you doing?

MAN 2oodling

MAN1oodling? Don't you think there are more important things to do at the moment?

MAN 2:But it's February 11th, it's national Doodle day

MAN1o what you doodling?

MAN 2:Wheel trims

MAN1:Wheel trims?

MAN 2:Yeah I got the idea from one of the celebrities that put one on the national doodle website

MAN1:Which one?

MAN 2:John Bishop

MAN1:I should have guessed you know how those scousers love their hubcaps?

MAN 2:Like Magpies to tin

FX. KNOCK ON THE DOOR AND DOOR OPENING

FEMALE:Hi

MAN1 & 2 Hi

FEMALEWhat are you doing?

MAN2oodling

FEMALE: Do you think you could leave it for a moment or two and put your mind back on work?

MAN 2:Aw do I have to?

MAN1:It might be better

MAN 2: Ok then. (pause) Ladies and Gentlemen this is your captain speaking. We will be landing at London Heathrow in a few minutes.

I liked your sketch, it had a nice flow and I didn't see the end coming. It's a very simple set-up and would work well on radio. Maybe lose the Scouser gag though. It just feels a bit unnecessary in what is otherwise a very nice little reveal to the punch of the men being pilots.

Otherwise nice one.

Oh, and I'm not sure you're right about NJ. I have a feeling there might be a recording on 9th Feb so keep an eye out and send it if there is one. Have a look at the thread in writing opportunities as there seems to be a bit of confusion about the exact run dates at the moment.

Thanks Blenkinsop. I will keep an eye out.

Yes, liked this one and couldn't forsee the ending. Would agree with losing the scousers joke too: it feels out of place and doesn't add anything to the sketch. But very clever indeed.

I think it's a bit too long without enough laughs for what's a simple reveal. Not sure that the airline pilots angle is very topical either unless I've missed something in the news.

Thanks Trollheart. Instead of losing the scoucer joke I might think about changing it. Dunno.

Ben, it's not the Airline Pilots that are topical it's National Doodle day. Have a look at the website, It's great.

Cheers

Sketch is a little lite and the story is to obscure, even for NR you'd have to tie it to a bigger story

Good point it's ripe for a one liner.

Quote: Batleywriter @ January 30 2011, 9:31 PM GMT

Ben, it's not the Airline Pilots that are topical it's National Doodle day. Have a look at the website, It's great.

View original

I got that, Batley, but the joke of two pilots doodling isn't that topical. From what I've heard of Newsjack, they like the main thrust of the sketch to be topical rather than just a startpoint for a joke.

Thanks for all of your comment peeps. They are all appreciated.

Didn't really work for me, but the first half has a nice Peep Show-feel to it, which is no bad thing, should you ever get a job writing for that show.

Thanks Don

Short sketches really aren't my bag to be honest. Im trying to learn though and I will get there eventually.