Script writers wanted Page 3

I think swerytd has said all that can be said and I agree with basically all the points he's made. It seems too choppy to me. I'm quoting what you said in another of your posts

each episode starts at a bar ran by three friends who all individually seem normal enough but who ultimately are shown to be unhinged characters due to their approach to life.

You say ultimately, but I don't think that really any character development happens in this episode. The Barsteward, who I assume is the main character, spends the majority of the episode in the AA meeting.

linked together by their association with either the pub or one of the three characters who work there.

Some of the sketches have no relevance to the pub or characters, e.g. the man trying to get his wedding ring off.

The plot with the Rev is left unresolved. The fight at the end I thought was a good contrast joke with what Barsteward had just said, but like swerytd said, why did it happen? It would be much better if it had something to do with the main story.

I think the script needs to be much more focused. But, you can still keep the "sketch" nature. Focus mainly on the 3 main characters, because there are alot of different stories you could do with them. But, you could do a few sketches with people, but make sure they're related to the pub or the characters. Eg, wedding ring man could be having an interview at the pub, or meeting his new boss at the pub.

What I think needs to be done :
- Make the majority of the script focus on the main characters
- Resolve the main stories by the end of the episode
- Make it less random (that's just my view, but I think it's too surreal personnally)
- Develop the characters more
- Get more jokes in there not based on cutaways or surreal events (again, my personal view).

These are just my views. I'm not a professional writer and don't claim to be, these are just what I thought when reading it.

By the way, how many pages is the script?

Thanks for sending it.

Great response all, thanks for the interest and opinions.

The script is all over the place because it is a sketch show and that is why most of the scenes are irrelevant to scenes that follow, the only difference with this than to other straight sketch shows is that they all relate vaguely back to the pub e.g. the man with the wedding ring is the person who is suppose to be going to a job interview at the pub.

This script actually 'devolved' out of an even earlier script, which DID have a coherent straight storyline, which was about a son taking over his fathers business in a holiday resort and trying to get it up and running. I was never 100% happy with the script and chopped it up and mixed it with new material to develop this sketch show.

What I would like to do now is work with other writers to convert this into a new script with a solid plot line and have the three central characters more developed. If a group of people decides to get involved I will pass on the 'original' script that shows the characters in a more developed light but they are more approachable characters based on real people from my life (one of them based on me) whereas in Barstewards all the characters became very strange and wild.

I have a very busy business called Evansvisualarts.com and I also help a lot with my families business so time to write is scarce or impossible nowadays but this is a project I really don't want to leave wither, especially after such positive feedback in regards to the comedy but I don't have the time to develop it into a new direction and that is why I want to work with other writers, I would share claims to the new script equally and hopefully it could become something great since I believe the theme has a huge amount of scope to work with.

Anyone who is interested in being involved please let me know.

Scott

P.S

By the way Gavin, that is a great avatar!

I'm interested I remember when you first mentioned the idea ages back I though it had alot of potential so I'm game it's give me an output for my more adult work.

I'm late but I'm game.

Hi Michael, if you want a look at the script in question PM me your email and I'll send it over.

Gavin, welcome aboard if you want to get involved mate, your certainly gonna have a lot on as I know you have two very exciting projects on the go (which I hope I'm also involved in, especially the new up and coming one which I'm sure your unveiling soon).

Out of interest, if you look on my business webpage at www.evansvisualarts.com and press forward to Portfolio image 8 you can see some designs I made for this project, which shows how the show could look in three different formats (animation, CGI or live action)

There's definitely potential here for a decent sitcom. I want to be involved in helping you develop it.

I'd like to be involved in the project in some way. I might not be able to do alot, but I'll do what I can.

Later on I'll dig out the original script and I'll send it out to all those who are definitely involved. I'll do this after 9 o'clock tonight so if all those who want to be involved clearly state following 'COUNT ME IN' and I'll send you the original script and we'll work from there.

The original script is okay but nothing great in comedy terms but I wrote it back in 2002 and I've learnt a lot since then BUT it does give the scenario and characters a more solid essence.

Like I said I'm looking for people who will work as a group, to refine the characters and the story and then to rewrite it, not necessarily from scratch because I think we can use the original script and sketch script and slice and dice them into something shiny and new. Any questions please do ask.

Just in case I haven't been clear...COUNT ME IN!

I'll send you over the original script as soon as possible. If anyone else wants in then let me know all

COUNT ME IN aswell, although as I said before, I might not be able to do alot, but I could help out.

I'm not on the home computer at the moment but as soon as I get to it I'll start sending the first script out to those who are interested

Hello Scott,

I don't think I'll beable to help as I've cmmitted myself to loads of other things. I would though offer my opinions.

I did thinksome of the early sketches were a bit too short and disjointed. I did though like most of them especially the Vicar with the sex toys. The bits from the gay penis seemed to flow better and from here on it seemed to work better.

Anyway - that's just my opinion and good luck.

Thanks David, I know you do read throughs with your groups, I'd love to hear how some of these turned out if acted out