Skit Comp 29.1-5.2.11

This week was tighter than Berlusconi's slapper so congratulations to JAMES for winning! Get rat-anussed and PM me for next week's topic please.
Hence:
Votes - Points - Name

6!!! - 10 - James
4 - 5 - Cool Mikado
2 - 1 - Badge
Special mention: Roscoff, Shirl the Whirl, Michael Monkhouse, Alex Mahon, veedeeplex

Your new subject: CATS (suggested by Alex Mahon)
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sex or inside leg measurement, except the kid who used to beat me up at school.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's original and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 5.2.11

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

166! - Mr Sunshine
152 - Otterfox
143 - Cool Mikado
135 - Michael Monkhouse
125 - Kasm
122 - Nigel Kelly
112 - Jebsly
108 - Frankie Rage
104 - Timbo
103 - Charley Rance
98 - Fred Peters
80 - Angiebaby
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
60 - Gerry McDonnell
56 - Scratchyr
54 - Alex Mahon
43 - Ishy
37 - Afinkawan
32 - Swerytd, Paul Watson
28 - Leevil
26 - David Chapman
25 - Craig H
24 - Don P. Musey
23 - Roscoff
22 - Blobster
21 - Mikey J
20 - Bushbaby, James Harris, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - James, Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Nil Putters, Cinnamon, Dale
14 - Reg N
13 - Badge
12 - Stephen Birch, Geoff Mutton, Will Cam
11 - Steven
10 - Stephen Goodlad, Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - The Giggle-O, garyd, Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Tumble, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Andy W, losaavedra
02 - Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - veedeeplex, Grem, Macca, Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Any ballsups, PM me please.

CATBACKS

TWO ELDERLY CATS ARE SITTING OUTSIDE THE FRONT DOOR OF A LARGE HOUSE

CAT 1 : I never thought it would come to this

CAT 2 : Me neither pet,but they're taking the piss big time now

CAT 1 : I know, I know, first the full cream goes,I thought me saucer of milk had been ran under the tap when I tasted that watery Basics shite they changed to

CAT 2 : Yeah pet,I know, and I nearly threw up in me litter tray yesterday, that muck is only fit for plastering walls with...fricking Value cat food.

CAT 1 : Fancy ripping out the gas fire and putting one of them floral screen things there instead, they know I have a phobia of large displays of flowers since I overdid the catnip on me birthday, heard him telling her he found it in a skip, didnt know you were supposed to help yourself outside someone elses house, Im freezing me tail off in that ice house now

CAT 2 : I know, me fleecy basket's gone, I saw him logged on to eBay, heard him telling her Id had good use out of it, and 'needs must', then he goes and puts down a scratchy ol terry toweling thing instead, must be as old as cleopatras mascara, heard him talking about having to make cutbacks on all fronts...Ive a good mind to sneak in in the dead of night and rip his cosy kingsize mattress to shreds with me bare claws...might leave a large deposit under his nostrils too while Im at it...

CAT 1 : He didnt even stroke me belly when I rolled around on the floor, too busy trawling Moneysupermarket.com I suppose, wouldnt be surprised if theres a cutback on how many strokes we can have in a day now too...hes on a mission by the sounds of it...next thing you know he'll be shaving off our fur to make his own Ugg boots..

CAT 2 : Oh God, that's a thought, and from there it'd be only a small step to dicing us up with a few leeks and packing us in puff pastry..

CAT 1 : God no...you don't think they'd go that far to save a few quid??

CAT 2 : Not worth taking the risk pet. I was trying to have a nap on the kitchen table earlier and she was flicking through a cookbook, 'Recepies your Mother never taught you for the Adventurous cook on a Budget Vol 2', and he was there droning away about 'theres only so much money in the pot' and 'getting the basics right'...I hightailed it off there quick I can tell ya.

CAT 1 : We're in mortal danger mate, lets leg it outta here

CAT 2 : C'mon pet, I know a decent hotel not far from here...

CAMERA PANS TO SHOW THE TWO CATS RUNNING AWAY FROM OUTSIDE NO. 10 DOWNING STREET

INT.FLAT.DAY

KAT AND MIKE ARE IN THE FRONT ROOM. THERE IS GIRLY WRAPPING PAPER ON THE FLOOR AND BIRTHDAY CARDS STAND OPEN ON THE TABLE. KAT IS KNEELING ON THE FLOOR ADMIRING THE NEW BOOK SHE IS HOLDING IN HER HANDS

MIKE
Ok then, are you ready for your main present?

KAT
My main present? You've spoilt me enough already Mike...

MIKE
So you don't want it then?

KAT
I never said that

MIKE
Thought as much, close your eyes then and I'll get him

KAT
Him?

MIKE
That's right! You know how you're always going on about how much you'd love a kitten...?

MIKE GETS UP AND LEAVES THE ROOM AS A VERY EXCITED KAT COVERS HER EYES

KAT
Oh Mike you haven't?

MIKE (coming back in)
...well I couldn't find one in time, so instead, meet Adrian!

KAT UNCOVERS HER EYES AND STANDING IN FRONT OF HER PANTING AND DROOLING ON HER NEW BOOK IS A REALLY FAT, DIRTY, OLD ALSATIAN. MIKE HANDS KAT ADRIANS 'OLD MANS' LEAD

MIKE
Happy birthday babe... Right, I'm off for a pint, give you two a chance to get acquainted. See you later!

MIKE LEAVES THE ROOM LOOKING REALLY PLEASED WITH HIM-SELF WHILST KAT IS LEFT LOOKING TOTALLY DEJECTED. AFTER A FEW MOMENTS ADRIAN BREAKS WIND LOUDLY AND KAT REACTS TO THE APPALLING SMELL

FRIGHTFULLY FELINE

Three camp GUYS are crouched on all fours.

FIRST GUY: Gosh it's fun being a lion in the zoo.

SECOND GUY: Dashed right it is. Look at this. (camp growl and flourish)

THIRD GUY: Oh stop it you fiend. You'll be the death of me.

FIRST GUY: Oh please don't die. We love you so. Even if your mascara is a little too thin.

THIRD GUY: (gasps)

A GIRL enters.

SECOND GUY: Oh look here comes a visitor. Let's all do it...

The guys do the growl and flourish.

GIRL: Lovely... (to audience) That was of course Gay Pride.

CAPTAIN JACKIE IS STRIDING AROUND HER PIRATE SHIP ON THE SEVEN SEAS.

CAPTAIN JACKIE
Bring the scurvy prisoner before me.

PIRATE PETE -
Aye, aye, cap'n.

THE PIRATES DRAG A STRUGGLING SAILOR BEFORE HER.

CAPTAIN JACKIE -
So this is the flea-ridden stowaway.

PRISONER -
Oh spare me, spare me.

CAPTAIN JACKIE -
Spare me the whining. What is your name?

PRISONER -
Bob.

CAPTAIN JACKIE -
Bob? Well we'll find that out, won't we?

THE PIRATES ALL LAUGH HEARTILY.

PRISONER - (AS HE SPEAKS HE LOOKS UP)
Oh please, I beg of you to....hang on, it's a bird!

CAPTAIN JACKIE -
A bird? I am the captain!

PRISONER - (LOOKING ROUND AT THE OTHER PIRATES)
What's up with you lot? You don't let a bird boss you about, do you?

THE PIRATES SHRINK BACK IN SHOCK AND HORROR.

PIRATE PETE -
Do you know who you're talking to? This is Captain Jackie!

PRISONER -
Ooh, I'm so scared, I've chipped my nail varnish!

PIRATE PETE -
Mate, I'm warning you.

PRISONER -
Oooh, does my bum look big in this?

CAPTAIN JACKIE -
Silence! I am your captain! (LOOKS BEHIND AT HER BUM, SLIGHTLY CONCERNED)

PIRATE PETE -
Fear not, cap'n, peachy as ever!

CAPTAIN JACKIE -
Good. Now make space around the prisoner, so that I can observe him better. What a poor excuse for a man.

PRISONER -
Look who's talking, muffin-top!

CAPTAIN JACKIE -
How dare you! Pirate Pete, how shark infested are the seas today?

PIRATE PETE -
Heaving cap'n, fin to fin.

CAPTAIN JACKIE -
Good....shall I have him walk the plank? (CHEERS) or shall I have him keel-hauled (MORE CHEERS).

PRISONER -
Aw, show us your pussy! (DEADLY HUSH)

CAPTAIN JACKIE -
Gosh, how did you know that was the next option? Pirate Pete, my pussy-cat o' nine tails please.

THE PRISONER STARES IN SHOCK AS JACKIE SWISHES THE PUSSY-CAT O' NINE TAILS.

CAPTAIN JACKIE -
Oh, you'll like this. It's got my false fingernails embedded in it. Oh, think of them raking your back! You'll be begging for more!

A MOBBED DISCO ON A SATURDAY NIGHT. JIM AND DAVE ( TWENTY-SOMETHING, RIGHT UGLY GITS) ARE STANDING AT THE BAR CHATTING. TWO PRETTY WOMEN GO TO THE BAR AND STAND A FEW FEET AWAY.

JIM:
(to Dave) There's two birds. Hope you've got your chat up lines ready.

DAVE:
What do you think of this one? I say, I'm a policeman and I need to arrest you. And she says, why? And I say, because you've stolen my heart.

JIM:
(shaking head) Pathetic. Just watch the master.

JIM SIDLES UP TO THE GIRLS..

JIM:
Are any of you two allergic to cats.

A SMALL BLONDE LOOKS AT HER MATE THEN AT JIM

BLONDE:
No, why?

JIM:
Otherwise you'd better not stand too close to this tiger.

THE TWO WOMEN ROLL THEIR EYES, THEN THE BLONDE WHISPERS IN JIM'S EAR

BLONDE:
Get lost, creep.

JIM GOES BACK TO HIS MATE, DAVE

DAVE:
What did she say?

JIM:
They're lesbians.

DAVE:
Typical.

TWO CATS IN THEIR BASKET

CAT 1

I think we should move out it's naff here.

CAT 2

You're always complaining, whatsup with yer now?

CAT 1

There's not even enough room to swing a human round.

BOY SITTING AT TABLE. CAT'S ON THE FLOOR CHEWING A LUMP OF MEAT.
MUM'S PREPPING THE BREKKY.

MUM: Howja wancher egss?

BOY - BLOOD TRICKLING FROM MOUTH, DOESN'T REPLY.

MUM - VOICE RAISED: I said howja wancher eggs?

BOY - BLOOD TRICKLING FROM MOUTH, DOESN'T REPLY.

MUM - SHOUTING: I said howja wancher eggs?

BOY - BLOOD DRIPPING FROM CHIN ONTO TABLECLOTH: REMAINS SILENT.

MUM - LOOKS AT THE BOY - GLANCES DOWN AT THE CAT AND THEN KICKS
IT AGAINST THE WALL. THE CAT DROPS THE LUMP OF MEAT. MUM GRABS IT
AND STUFFS IT INTO THE BOYS MOUTH. You let that f**kin' cat getcha
tongue again I'll f**kin' killya.

Scene-On set shooting an advert.

A shooting assistant is trying to get ten cats to eat some chocolate bars.

Photographer: Look for gods sake get those bloody cats to eat those Kitty Bars.

Assistant: Jesus Tarquin we can't get 'em to eat the f**kin' things. Have you smelt 'em? Thay have the aroma of puke.

Photographer: I don't f**kin' care just get it done. Put some catnip down or something.

[They continue to try and tempt the the cats and finally two of them start to munch at the bars. Enter the office boy eating a Snickers bar. Suddenly all the other cats leap on him and start fighting over the office boys chocolate bar]

Office boy: GET 'EM OFF!!!

Photographer: Jesus Christ what is going on?

Assistant: You know what it is don't you Tarquin.

Photographer: What?

Assistant: Eight out of ten cats prefer Snickers.

(Sorry)

two moggies down an alley.

fluffy:- you heard what happened to whiskers?

ginger:- heard? I was there, damn fool thought he heard a dog and just ran up the nearest tree, he didnt realise it was a telephone pole.

fluffy:- I heard he was up there for 6 hours, didnt you try talking him down?

ginger:- yeah I did! but ever since my advice to jerry got out, not a damn sole will believe a thing I say.

fluffy:- to be fair you did say crossing a motorway was safe.

ginger:- WE GOT NINE LIVES!!! even if he did get run over he would have eight more!

fluffy:- yeah it was kinda unlucky, never gets metioned in anyone elses story tho.

ginger:- what are the chances he used them all up in one crossing?

fluffy:- yeah its pretty slim.

ginger:- dumb smuck should have seen a damn eighteen wheeler tho, thought he was going to make it when he came out the back......

fluffy:-......count the wheels?

ginger:-....yeah.

INT. STAGE - DAY

AN AUDITION FOR AN AM-DRAM PRODUCTION OF 'CATS'

DIRECTOR:
Next.

AN ACTRESS BURSTS INTO A DELIGHTFUL VERSION OF 'MEMORY'

DIRECTOR:
Stop, stop, stop. We're not going down the unrealistic Andrew Lloyd Webber road; this is a true-to-life depiction of Cats.

Try this; just sit in the middle of the stage, with a look of undeserved superiority.

Now stare at that person next to you with utter disgust, as if you're somehow better than him. Unnecessarily hiss a little. Excellent.

Now carry disease, and look smug about it.

ACTRESS:
You don't seem to like cats very much.

DIRECTOR:
Who does? Why does every Bond villain carry a cat? Because they both share an evil intent. Why do dogs hate cats? Because dogs are intelligent.

ACTRESS:
I like big cats.

DIRECTOR:
Big cats are at least honest; they'll happily kill a human for sport. Small cats share the same instinct but they're too much of a pussy to follow it through.

ACTRESS:
You've got to like kittens, they're lovely.

DIRECTOR:
Lovely in a sandwich maybe. They may start off cute, but they turn into annoying fat nauses. Like Karren Brady.

ACTRESS:
You know what; this is beneath me, goodbye.

DIRECTOR:
Nice touch. You've got the part.

EXT. A BENCH, BY A FOUNTAIN, IN A PARK.

A WOMAN, DRESSED AS A CAT, IS SAT ON THE BENCH. SHE NERVOUSLY FUMBLES AT A LEAFLET SHE IS HOLDING AND WE SEE THE WORDS "RULES OF THE BLIND DATE" ON THE PAMPHLET. SHE STUFFS IT INTO HER HANDBAG. SUDDENLY, FROM BEHIND, SHE HEARS A MALE VOICE

DARREN (NERVOUSLY): Erm, excuse me, are you Anne?

THE WOMAN TURNS AROUND SMILING TO ADDRESS THE NEWCOMER ONLY TO BE APALLED TO FIND THAT IT IS A MAN DRESSED AS A DOG

ANNE: (ABRUPTLY) Oh Christ, please tell me you aren't Darren?

DARREN: (FRUSTRATED) Oh that is just brilliant, they've set me up with Tiddles!

ANNE (ANGRY): That bloody agency!

ANNE STANDS UP AND GATHERS HER BAG OVER HER SHOULDER AS SHE STARTS TO LEAVE

DARREN: Wait, don't go, I know this isn't ideal but we're here now, how about we...

ANNE (INTERRUPTING WITH CONTEMPT) I don't think so Fido!

DARREN: Alright, there's no need to be so rude; are we really so different under the fur?

THERE IS AN AWKWARD SILENCE.

EVENTUALLY DARREN REACHES INTO HIS JACKET AND PULLS OUT A GARISHLY WRAPPED PRESENT.

DARREN (RESIGNED): Well, I got this; I guess you might as well have it now

ANNE (SARCASTICALLY) Great!

ANNE GINGERLEY REACHES HER PAW OUT AND SNATCHES THE PRESENT FROM DARREN. SHE UNWRAPS THE PAPER TO REVEAL A BIG CHEWY RUBBER BONE. ANNE HOLDS THE BONE BETWEEN HER FINGER AND THUMB AND CONSIDERS IT WITH PURE DISGUST

ANNE (SARCASTICALLY): Oh, thanks, just what I always wanted!

DARREN WHINES QUIETLY

ANNE HURLS THE BONE INTO THE FOUNTAIN AND DARREN IMMEDIATELY JUMPS IN AFTER IT. ANNE ROLLS HER EYES AND WALKS AWAY AS DARREN SPLASHES AROUND IN THE FOUNTAIN AND EVENTUALLY EMERGES WITH IT BETWEEN HIS TEETH

ENDS.

To the tune of Memory from CATS

Midnight
Not a sound on The forums
Shall I post up a new one
Or just read & critique
If I post one I'll understand what apathy is.
I just wish I'd joined the Clique.

Skitcomp
I could go on the Skitcomp
where the folks are all friendly
where the feedback is banned.
There I'm lucky cause they will take in any old crap
And a new Skit has been born

Worn out gags, with corny endings
Some say they are boring.
But I'll keep trying
while my jokes are dying
And just ignore the snoring!

Reeeeaaaaad me
And I beg you go easy
I'll admit that it's Cheesy
But I couldn't care less.
If you read this then that means that I'll read one of yours.
Which is how it works I guess.

Do be do be be do be do be do be do be do be

INT: NIGHTCLUB

BECKY: Look at her strutting about like she's a size 8.

KIMBERLEY: And that's just her shoes.

BECKY: She looks more like an 18 to me.

KIMBERLEY: Yeah, stone!

BECKY: Meeeow!

THEY LAUGH WICKEDLY, HIGH-FIVING EACH OTHER.

BARTENDER: Hey ladies, the guy at the end of the bar has sent over some drinks.

KIMBERLEY: About time too, I was beginning to worry we might have to buy our own.

BECKY: It's good to see there are still some real men in this world.

KIMBERLEY: Men who appreciate strong, opinionated women like us.

BECKY: No, men who are so drunk I don't have to hold in my tummy anymore.

BARTENDER PRODUCES 2 SAUCERS OF MILK.

KIMBERLEY: What's he trying to say?

BECKY: That's Full Fat milk an all. Cheeky bastard.

KIMBERLEY: I'll scratch his eyes out!

MRS CAT IS IN A ROOM PLAYING WITH A BALL OF WOOL WHEN A CATFLAP OPENS AND IN CRAWLS MR. CAT. HE IS COVERED IN BANDAGES. MRS CAT: Where the hell have you been? MR CAT: Crufts.