Hi, I've heard this is the best place to show off your new scripts for critique. Well recently along with a friend I decided to write a sitcom, and we worked on one about a man being sacked from his job at a clock factory, we've made a bit of a plan for it as well as a pilot, and this is our draft to see if its worth improving :
http://www.scribd.com/full/47333036?access_key=key-4649fjblytn1qrb03e8
Hello!
You've made a major mistake with the Scene 1 opening introduction - you need to show that the characters are cynical or social climbers in their actions and dialogues. If you're having to tell the reader this, then it looks as though you aren't confident that the script shows this. I'd adjust the opening introduction to a description of the scene and no more.
I read through the first ten pages and wasn't particularly tickled. The exchanges between the characters were very laugh-lite, so I think you need to strengthen that respect.
I also couldn't see any particular plots developing and you really need that within ten pages. I could see that David had been unemployed and was going to the job centre, but that was it. I may have misread the undertaker bits, but I didn't see that adding anything either.
That's why I gave up after ten pages.
Also, it looks rather short at 30 pages. One page doesn't necessarily equal one minute of screen time. I think the average word count for a thirty minute sitcom is around 6 - 6,500 words.
ggot to agree with ben on this, dialogue should be the thing that defines a character not the script explaining it.
im afraid this script just didnt grab me, its as if I didnt care about the characters and started to get bored.
the princable of the idea is good it just needs alot of editing.
but......dont be dis-heartened by this or any other comments that may be made, its a learning process and just cause an idea may not work your not just limited to one idea.
i always find I write best when im confident, keep your chin up.
Thanks all, I'll definitely work on it.
Billy,
I may be able to help you out a little with this. It's been said on a site I write for that I'm pretty good with dialogue.
No fees, I'm not selling anything - but if you think I may be able to help out, get in touch and I'll do what I can.
To be honest, I lost interest too, after about ten pages or so - but I spied something there that piqued my interest.
In the spirit of things, I'll help out if you want it.
Skoob.
"Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."
Quote: Skoob @ January 24 2011, 12:51 AM GMTBilly,
I may be able to help you out a little with this. It's been said on a site I write for that I'm pretty good with dialogue.
No fees, I'm not selling anything - but if you think I may be able to help out, get in touch and I'll do what I can.
To be honest, I lost interest too, after about ten pages or so - but I spied something there that piqued my interest.
In the spirit of things, I'll help out if you want it.
Skoob.
Well me and a friend are really trying to learn the craft at the minute, so I think we might keep working ourselves to try and crack it. However, thanks for your offer it's much appreciated.
Quote: Skoob @ January 24 2011, 12:51 AM GMTBilly,
In the spirit of things, I'll help out if you want it.
Offer made.
Quote: BillyShears @ January 25 2011, 5:05 PM GMTWell me and a friend are really trying to learn the craft at the minute, so I think we might keep working ourselves to try and crack it.
Offer rejected.
Quote: don rushmore @ January 26 2011, 1:01 AM GMTOffer made.
Offer rejected.
don you have made me cringe pointing this out. >_<
im hurting for everyone involved.
Don- Are you the Noel Edmonds of the site?! 