Dr Roners lectures number three.

The Birth of Christianity

Intro

DR RONER
The Year was 359bc and the Roman Empire was in turmoil. There was an Emperor of the East Constantius II and an Emperor of the West Julian the Apostate. Both men wanted to be sole Emperor and civil war was breaking out along the whole Empire. The biggest division was Religion. Constantius was Christian and Julian was Pagan, they both wanted what was best for Rome but could not agree on what that should be. Constantius though had a plan to bring everyone together. Introduce Christanity to the Empire and all could be saved, but just how would he do this?

Scene Four

SOLDIER
Julian we would like to make you Agustus

JULIAN
Me?

SOLDIER
Yes sir. The fact of the matter is sir that the lads, well, they like you and want you to become the sole emperor of the whole Roman Empire

JULIAN
They do?

SOLDIER
Yes sir. We was just saying the other day sir, how much we admired you and how we would all be willing to lay down our lives so that you could rule

JULIAN
Thank you

SOLDEIR
No worries Sir, and may I also add, on a personal note Sir, I think you have fantastic dress sense and wonderful hair

JULIAN
You may soldier and thank you very much. Tell me Soldier?

SOLDIER
Sir?

JULIAN
Are there any Christians in the ranks

FX: *The sound of spitting in to a spitoon

SOLDIER
Christians sir?* No sir. There aint a Christian within fifty miles of here. We have seen to that sir. No one here but us Pagans.

JULIAN
Pagans?

SOLDIER
Yes sir, no one here but Pagans

JULIAN
Neoplatonic Pagans Soldier

SOLDIER
I'm not sure which domination everyman is from sir but I could have them all punished into becoming.. What is it again sir?

JULIAN
Neoplatonic Pagans

SOLDIER
Yes Sir, Neoplatonic Pagans is what we is Sir and I will flog any man who is not

JULIAN
Good, good

SOLDIER
Just out of interest sir?

JULIAN
Yes

SOLDIER
Well just out of interest sir, just to make sure I am doing everything to your's and the armies standards Sir

JULIAN
Yes?

SOLDIER
Well just what is a Neoplatonic Pagan?

Any comments greatfully received

I really liked this, and preferred it to the Scottish one, probably because it was less wordy.

Thanks Shirl I appreciate the feedback. The problem with the William Wallace is that I put on the openening scenes and they are wordy for them all. They set up the premise for the fun bits. I have actually researched the ones based on real people and although I might have taken a liberty for comedic effect here and there the majority is based on fact. Here is scene six from William Wallace, hopefully it will be more entertaining.

Thanks

SCENE 6. EXT. LARGE FOREST. NIGHT

FX: Men are hunting in a forest at night with horses

WILLIAM
Sire I am not sure but I think I saw something over there

KING
I can't see anything. We have been doing this for three nights now and I have not caught a thing

WILLIAM
Patience sire. All good things come to those who wait

KING
They do?

WILLIAM
Yes sire

KING
Over there you say?

WILLIAM
I think I saw something

KING
C'mon then, last one there is a rotten egg. Let's go

WILLIAM
Watch out sire there's a..

FX: The horse gallops away and then falls. The King screams. William races over with several others on horseback.

WILLIAM
Sire, sire are you alright?

NOBLE ONE
He does not look too good

WILLIAM
How can you tell how he looks in this light?

NOBLE TWO
Ok then, he does not feel too good

WILLIAM
He is wearing armour

NOBLE THREE
Ok then, he doesn't sound too good

WILIAM
You know I think your right, sire are you alright?

KING
I.. I..

WILLIAM
Oh no

NOBLE THREE
What?

WILLIAM
I think he's"

NOBLE THREE
What?

WILLIAM
He's

NOBLE ONE
He's knocked out?

WILLIAM
No he's

NOBLE TWO
He's asleep?

WILLIAM
No he's

NOBLE THREE
He's Just farted?

WILLIAM
No he's Dead

NOBLE THREE
Dead?

WILLIAM
Yes I think he is dead

ALL NOBLES
Bugger

DR RONER
It was the year 1286 and King Alexander was indeed fried bread. Falling from his horse in a hunting accident at night. Alexander's Children did not survive him and the Scottish Lords had no choice but to declare his granddaughter, Mary of Norway as Queen. There were several problems with this. Number one she was in Norway. Number two she was prone to childish tantrums and number three she was, to be fair, only four years old. To combat this the Scottish lords found several nannies and set up an interim government to administer Scotland until Margaret was old enough to rule. King Edward I of England took advantage of the instability this caused and negotiated the Treaty of Birgham which betrothed Margaret to his son, Edward, Prince of Wales. In 1290 aged seven Margaret died. Fighting over Scotland began immediately and with the country threatening to descend into civil war, King Edward stepped in again.

Yeah, sorry but I simply don't get it? Either of them....?

Trollheart. It's part of a planned six part series with the earlier posted Adam and Eve. The idea is to begin each episode in a semi serious tone for the first minute or so by introducing Dr Roner (a sort of Ronnie Barker man from the ministry figure) who is the narrator. The Idea is six lectures about six different people, legends or events (William Wallace, Adam and Eve, The birth of Christinaity and the legend of Atlantis, William Shakespere and two others still in the research stage.) The series is intended for radio and is called, Dr Roners lectures. This post with "Following on" earlier and "Adam and Eve" before that were just to test the water and see what people thought. Thanks to the comments I have received I now know that some things need tightening(fx and better language) others need majorly overhauling (Intro's probably too long and too serious) and some things are spot on (timing and rythm). I might have been better sticking them all in one post and explaining it before I started. My bag. Thanks for reading and thanks for commenting. Keep em coming.

OK, but my problem is that A&E was funny, full of gags and clever observations and this, well, isn't.
I understand if you say you're only testing the water, but where is the comedy in this? Where is the spark of genius that I saw in Adam and Eve? For me, this could have been written by someone else entirely: I just do not see the same style or humour in this that was in the previous.

Sorry, but that's how I see it. Intro or not, I did not find this in the least funny. Again, maybe it's just me...

I liked the Roman one, but I didn't find the William Wallace one very funny. But then I know nothing about William Wallace, apart from he was Scottish, and therefore quite possible ginger.

i liked this one and again found it a chore to read the william wallace one, I love the concept of this idea tho.

i like the way you actually stay true to the characters (julians hair) the solider comments how much he likes his hair and dress sense and its well documented on how vain and self concious he was especially about his hair, hence the reason he wore the wreathe on his head, to cover up a balding patch.

great concept and got to give you thumbs up for just the idea of the whole thing alone.

even tho it isnt a laugh at every corner sort of script (to me) its the sort of thing that is just a good read (or watch), it has that feel good factor where the scene is set and im in anticpation on how the scene is going to play out, not as much with the william wallace one but even that had the essence I just explained.

good work.

After re reading and doing a partial re write on William wallace I have to say, You are right. Adam and Eve is in a different style to the others, I am going to keep it but take it out of the series, let it stand alone for the time being, there is no point in trying to re write it as it would just spoil it. I will crack on with the others and try to finish them over the next couple of months before sending them off to the beeb.

Once again thank you all for taking time to look at them and give your comments. It really is appreciated.

Batley

Bugger it! Here's a bit more of Adam and Eve to tide you over.

FX. Banging and clanking. Something is being made.

EVE
What are you doing in there Adam?

ADAM
Inventing

EVE
Oh c'mon. You are not still sulking are you?

ADAM
I was hiding in that tree nearly all day and all night

EVE
I said I was sorry

ADAM
Well you made me feel stupid. Even the monkeys are laughing at me.

EVE
How do you think I feel? Stuck in the cave all day cleaning. It's hard work

ADAM
So is inventing

EVE
Well why don't you invent something useful for a change? Something to help me with the cave? If I had to do less in the cave then I might have time to do more with you

ADAM
I have invented useful stuff

EVE
Like what?

ADAM
Well there's the Mr T action figure

FX. A chord been pulled and Mr T voice "I aint getting on no plane fool"

EVE
How is that useful?

ADAM
It might scare off predators

FX. A chord been pulled and Mr T saying "I'm gonna get you sucka"

EVE
Ok. What else?

ADAM
There's the Glitter ball I made for you

EVE
I admit it is lovely but how does it help me?

ADAM
I don't know. It might help you feel happy if you danced under it or something like that

EVE
Ok it might. Can't you invent something to help me with my housework? What about a machine that washes clothes or a machine that helps me take the dirt off the floor?

ADAM
Is that what you really want?

EVE
It would be a start

ADAM
Ok just as soon as I have finished these couple of things

EVE
What couple of things?

ADAM
Hold on I will bring them out

FX. Adam opens the door

ADAM
This I call the Wheel

EVE
What does it do?

ADAM
Don't know really. I haven't found a use for it yet

EVE
It's rubbish

FX. Wheel been thrown away

ADAM
Would you look at that. It rolls

EVE
Oh Yes. What else?

ADAM
This I call a Golf Club

EVE
What do you do with that?

ADAM
You hit a little ball in to a little hole in the ground with it

EVE
That's pointless

FX. Golf club been thrown away

ADAM
You're probably right

EVE
So do you think you could help me out?

ADAM
Something to clean the floor?

EVE
If you could

ADAM
Ok give me a couple of hours and I will see what I can do

EVE
Thanks

FX. The sound of Eve kissing Adam

ADAM
Make it half an hour

DR RONER
So Adam and Eve started to communicate and then they began to work in partnership. Eve did cooking and cleaning and Adam after the first kiss did anything Eve asked.

ADAM
I know it's only been twenty minutes but I think I have something

EVE
What is it?

ADAM
Well It's a little out of left field and I don't know if you are going to like it or not

EVE
What is it?

ADAM
Instead of cleaning the floor, I thought it might be better if the dirt didn't touch your feet so I invented these. I call them Shoes

FX. Eve shrieks

ADAM
You ok?

EVE
Yes. Sorry I don't know what came over me

ADAM
You like them

EVE
Oh yes

I guess you can probably tell where this is going? Hope you like it.

It needs a bit of pruning, but great ending.