JOHN THE BANKROBBER IS BEING INTERROGATED WE CAN'T SEE THE INTERROGATOR
JOHN
I done nothing, I've got an alibi. Now where's me fackin' brief you pig basket?
POLICE1(OOV)
Oh John how can you say that? How can you speak like that?
JOHN
What are you the nice cop? Nyer where's the nasty one?
POLICE1
No John I'm your mother and just wait till your father comes home.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL POLICE1 IS WEARING A FULL POLICE UNIFORM, WITH MARIGOLDS A NICE HALF APRON, LIPSTICK AND CARMEN ROLLERS UNDER HIS HELMET.
JOHN
You're not my mother, I never knew my mother.
POLICE1
Oh John I'm going to cry, we were so proud of you when you played Joseph in the nnativity and scored that goal for the school team.
JOHN
What the fack is going on here?
POLICE2 STORMS IN THE CELL. HE HAS A CARDIGAN, SLIPPERS AND A PIPE ONTOP OF HIS POLICE UNIFORM.
POLICE2
Are you making your mum cry again? You little sod?
JOHN
No I'm not dad...I mean you're son.
POLICE1
Oh dad, dad think of your heart don't get worked up. You know what the doctor said.
POLICE2
Not get wound up? Not get wound up? When I've had to leave work early at the factory. And spent all afternoon listening to the headmaster tell me sons been robbing banks again, and now he's made his poor mother cry again.
POLICE2 COLLAPSES INTO A CHAIR. POLICE1 QUICKLY FORCES SOME PILLS ON HIM
POLICE1
It's not his fault dad, remember your angina. It's his age all the other kids stealing cars, robbing banks carrying out contract killings.
JOHN
Dad I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I just wanted a chopper for Christmas and you got me one with a basket.
POLICE2
It's all I could afford son. It's been a bad year there's not been much overtime.
JOHN
I'm sorry dad I'll never rob banks again.
POLICE2
I love you son.
JOHN
And, and I love you dad.
POLICE1
Oh my two lovely men.
POLICE1 HUGS POLICE2 AND JOHN
JOHN
What happens now...dad?
POLICE2
Well you write a nice letter of apology to the manager of Barclays. And you lose yur pocket money for 2 weeks.
POLICE1
And about 20 years detention..in Pentonville.
JOHN
And no slippering?
POLICE2
Course not we love you son.
JOHN
Yipee!