MOVIE SET. DIRECTOR IS BARKING INSTRUCTIONS AT HIS ACTORS.
DIRECTOR:
Tony, your sidelocks need to be an inch longer so if you could have those grown for tomorrow it would be great. Stacey, act taller tomorrow will you lovey? Act like someone who is about 5 foot 8, you're only hovvering around the 5 foot 2 mark at the moment.
We also need the set tilted 3 degrees to the east. How can we be expected to work at this crazy angle. Alright folks,that's a wrap. Now wrap it properly today, the wrap you did yesterday was absolutely diabolical. Timmy use the good sellotape!
THE DIRECTOR IS APPROACHED BY A 14 YEAR BOY.
BOY:
Hello Mr. Sparkski, very sorry to disturb you sir but I'm afraid I have some bad news about your doberman 'Mauler'... h-h-he w-was killed sir.
DIRECTOR:
No, no, no rubbish! Thats all wrong. You need to deliver the message with more purpose boy. Stand to the left of me, back straight and bellow it out. Try it again.
BOY:
(WITH MORE CONFIDENCE) Your dog 'Mauler' has been killed.
DIRECTOR:
(SHOCKED) What!!? Mauley! Oh my God nooo (cries) Oh God!! How-how did it happen?
Was he chasing away an intruder, protecting the innocent, fighting crime, what?
BOY:
(SHUFFLES UNCOMFORTABLY) He am...h-he.. he jacknifed after chasing a moth onto an icy road. There could have been fleas involved too, i-its too early to tell.
DIRECTOR:
All wrong, all wrong, all wrong! You need to be more definate and don't stumble over your words. Stand in the direction of the light and project your voice. You need to convey more emotion in your face. Have another go.
BOY:
He chased a small flying insect onto a busy road. He lost control of his back legs on the ice and slid down a steep slope, smashing himself off loads of stuff on the way down.
DIRECTOR:
Oh God, oh nooo!! Mauler! My little Mauley Wauley!! Why God whyyyy!! What am I going to do? (cries again) Ooooh...who let him out and who let him escape?
BOY:
It looks to have been a pre-meditated attack by the moths sir. A flock, a squadron am... whatever the collective name for moths is provoked him and he chased them out over the fence which eventually lead to his demise.
DIRECTOR:
Far too long-winded. You need to cut out the words that you don't need. Don't forget posture - very important, stand on that mark and let it flow. We need to try that again.
BOY:
The whole thing or just the last bit?
DIRECTOR:
Oh come on! The last bit.
BOY:
The moths provoked him sir. Being a proud dog he was never going to back down. He chased them over the fence and.....
DIRECTOR:
.....It was the last chase he would ever make.
THE DIRECTOR CRIES UNCONTROLLABLY. THE BOY PUTS HIS HAND ON THE DIRECTORS SHOULDER CONSOLINGLY. THE DIRECTOR PUSHES IT AWAY GRUFFLY.
DIRECTOR:
Get your hands off of me you damn dirty ape!
DIRECTOR TAKES A PICTURE OF MAULER OUT OF HIS WALLET AND LOOKS UPWARDS.
DIRECTOR:
Adrian!!!
BOY (OOV):
Am his name was Mauler sir.
THE DIRECTOR STARES AT THE PHOTO FORLORNLY FOR A FEW SECONDS.
DIRECTOR:
I'll never let go Jack, I'll never let go.
THE PHOTO OF THE DOBERMAN FLOATS SLOWLY TO THE GROUND. ONCE IT LANDS THE CAMERA SLOWLY PANS IN. A CAPTION APPEARS ON THE SCREEN:
'IN MEMORY OF MAULER. KILLED BY MOTHS.'
END.
