British Comedy Guide

A little of Adam and Eve

:D

This started as stand up and then I wrote it initially as an animated piece but it is now part of a series for Radio. Here is scene two. It has minimal direction purposely.

SCENE TWO. EXT. JUNGLE. DAY

FX. Jungle noises. Animals screeching and wailing.

ADAM
God

GOD
Yes Adam

ADAM
I'm Bored

GOD
Bored. How can you be Bored?

ADAM
Dunno God. I Just am. I mean don't get me wrong, It's great all this Jungle and stuff, I like the sky and the water, I love the Monkeys and the Bears, I'm not so keen on the Spiders, they're freaky, but the butterflies they're great, its just that, well , I'm still bored

GOD
Why don't you clean the Garden?

ADAM
It is clean

GOD
Clean. Adam look around you, there's bits of bear and horse all over the place, the grape vines are overgrown, there's molehills everywhere , there's rhino and camel dung all over. You know it took me ages to create this place. You could take a little bit of pride in it

ADAM
Well it's fairly tidy, I mean it's not that bad

GOD
It looks that bad from up here

ADAM
Sorry

GOD
You're bored?

ADAM
Yeah. Well you know. We get on well enough don't we? And I don't want you to take this the wrong way but, there's only me and you here and you are going away again to this conference thing. I've got no one else to talk to, I mean you're either not here or so busy a lot of the time and I'm just, well there's only me

GOD
I'm not giving the Monkeys the power of speech again Adam. We have been through this before. You remember what happened last time? When they learned to mimic? I don't think the Giraffes will ever have short necks again, the parrots were supposed to live in the sea and after stand up monkey, I don't think the hyenas will ever stop laughing

ADAM
It wasn't that bad

GOD
Tell that to the sloath. After they kept encouraging him to become a sprinter? He didn't stop running for a week. I don't think he will have any energy again.

ADAM
Ok. I see your point

GOD
So what do you want me to do?

ADAM
I was thinking?

GOD
Yes?

ADAM
Well what I was thinking was, maybe it's about time I had a mate, You know to do the cleaning and have babies and stuff

GOD
Babies

ADAM
Yeah, and other stuff as well

GOD
Such as?

ADAM
You know the other day when I invented that game where I had to hide and then guess where I was?

GOD
Not a very good game I recall

ADAM
True. It needed a little work, so I changed it and tried playing it with some of the others, the Penguins were too easy to find they were in the water chasing the fish, The Elephants tried bless em, but were far too big to hide properly, although I think they quite enjoyed it. The camels, I found them by smell alone, you really need to have a word with them about personal hygiene by the way. The cats, they just sat there looking at me in an evil way and didn't want to know as usual, and the Monkeys took it far too seriously. They packed themselves in a crate and tried post themselves to Europe. I didn't see any of them for 3 days afterwards

GOD
So?

ADAM
Well as I say, I was thinking and I thought, what if there was another one of me? Then I might be less bored, and take up less of your time, I mean there's two of each dog, two tigers, two armadillo's but only one of me, so I guess if there was like, I dunno, a girl one of me, I might not be as bored

GOD
Adam I can see your point, and I suppose I could help you there, but?

ADAM
But?

GOD
Females are different to males in many ways

ADAM
Yeah I noticed that with the rabbits

GOD
And this female may change things, and you know once I have created something it cannot be uncreated

ADAM
Apart from those dinosaur thingies with the big teeth. You had to uncreate them

GOD
Yes Adam with the exception of those dinosaur thingies with the big teeth. Once something is created it cannot be uncreated

ADAM
And those dodo things that kept stalking me, they were scary

GOD
Yes apart from the dinosaur thingies and the dodo's, which I might be bringing back by the way. Once something is created it cannot be undone

ADAM
And those flying wombats that fired lasers from their eyes

GOD
Yeah that wasn't a good one was it? So apart from the dinosaur thingies and the dodo's and the flying wombats that fired lasers from their eyes, once something is created it cannot be undone

ADAM
and......

GOD
Adam. Ok, Adam apart from the few things I have had to undo for your safety. Once I have created a female she cannot be uncreated, is that understood?

ADAM
Yeah ok God, unless she is dangerous?

GOD
Sometimes Adam, not even then

ADAM
OK

GOD
Alright then Adam give me a Rib

FX. Adam begins to sort through clinking ribs on the ground

FX TO FOLLOW * Xzylophone scale

ADAM
Sure no problem, hold on a sec, I got Pig, Bear, Horse they make a great noise listen* I got sheep, Gnat they're a bit small though I got ..

GOD
No Adam, I need one of your Ribs

ADAM
Mine, are you crazy? I need all mine

GOD
No you don't

ADAM
Yes I do. I need them to errm, hold my body up

GOD
No you don't. I made you and I know. Now come here and don't move

ADAM
Ooohhhh that Tickles behave

FX. God Hums

ADAM
Ow gerroff that hurts Arghhh owch

FX. Squelching sound, God still humming and then a pop like a champagne cork

ADAM
Owch that hurt, you could have warned me

GOD
Sorry. Are you ready for this?

ADAM
Yeah

FX. God begins to hum. Balloon modelling noises can be heard. Adam makes noises of approval.

GOD
There we are. What do you think?

ADAM
Well? Maybe you could take a bit off there

FX. More balloon modelling noise

ADAM
And does that really need to be that big?

FX. More balloon modelling noise

ADAM
And maybe they should be bigger

GOD
I think they are ample Adam

ADAM
Just a bit bigger

GOD
Only a tad, I make them any bigger she will keep falling over

FX. The sound of an airline

GOD
Right that's it. What do you think?

ADAM
Yeah I like it. Good job god

Hi Batley,

It's a lovely idea, but I think some of the animal references were a bit 'shoehorned', eg the giraffes necks and the sloth. I loved the dinosaur bits, very funny.
Maybe you need a reference to a serpent in there?

I also didn't understand the airline noise, was that meant to be Eve's boobs inflating?

This is brilliant! I want more! Please... ?

Angie, thank you. Believe me the serpent comes later. As for the Giraffes necks in the cartoon version it is much better, I need to work on not having the visuals and the sloath was an afterthought and admittedly is a bit weak. Yes it was Eve's boobs. Being childish has it's advantages. Great comments and very much appreciated.

Trollheart I am working the next 40 hours or so but upon my return I promise to give you something else to ponder from this particular series. Thanks for reading it and thanks for your kind words.

Back possibly Thursday afternoon or definitely Friday. Bye.

I would tighten it up a bit; God took ages getting Adam's rib off him, but really liked it.

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