New Sitcom Pilot (Draft) Page 2

Quote: Bryan Parry @ January 24 2011, 1:41 PM GMT

Hi there, cluvss,

Yeah, you're probably right that I'm going a bit 'bookish' in some descriptions. And many descriptions -- like those you pointed out -- are probably superfluous. However, the danger is always that you might cut too much out; sure, the audience will see Maureen as however the director et al decide, but that doesn't mean I can't paint my own picture that the director can choose to ignore or not. But definitely, I think I need to tone down the florid (and at times, clunky) descriptions).

My intentions with Leaf is to send her off at the end of the first episode, have her presence fade rapidly from the show as James gets more ground down, then bring her back (perhaps in the way you suggest, perhaps not).

Anyway, yeah mate, thanks for the crits. I don't get upset even if a crit savages me, so long as it does so in a productive fashion. Saying, "Yeah, really nice" and saying, "you &*&*@# go and DIEEEEEEEEEEEE URE SH**T" are about as much use as each other, that is, none.

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glad to be of help, thinking with the leaf situation, maybe you could add another character (female) for james and maybe play almost a 3-way love traingle thing, leaf goes away and comes back and misses the friendship of james because he is always with stick (keeping in character with leafy stuff)

oh I just read that stick comment back, im ashamed. >_< >_<

It would be good if Leaf floats in somewhere in each episode; as he seems like a character that needs a bit of a kick. It could be a will he, won't he get away from the diy store, with Leaf as the incentive, but he never does.

I think this is a very good script, for a comedy-drama though rather than a sitcom. There just aren't enough laughs for it to be considered a sitcom at the moment.

But I thought it was very well-written, and set up the story and world perfectly. I can definitely relate to the story, as a recent graduate who is still stuck in part-time retail! I think the opening, showing James graduating, and then cutting to him still at the DIY store is a great way to begin the script.

I think the relationship between James and Leaf is compelling, their interaction on the most part feels very natural. Would love to see more of this.

There's definite potential here, but like I say, if you want it to be a sitcom you need to add more gags, and go for bigger laughs. But as far as character and story, I think you have set those up incredibly well. I'd be interested in reading the rest of it.