A genuine attempt to use these two characters... (Paul is the tall one)
EXT. GARDEN - DAY
Paul and Barry are gardening. Barry is pruning roses, he does this by chopping their heads off. Paul is harvesting the vegetable patch. He's not having much luck though. He excavates baby carrots, brussells spouts and mini potatoes and doesn't look very happy about it.
PAUL:
Barry!
Barry doesn't hear. As he is now wearing ear protection muffs and wielding a chainsaw. He maniacally attacks the roses.
PAUL:
Barry! Barry!
Paul taps Barry on the shoulder. Barry stops the chainsaw and turns around. He's now wearing every single piece of safety equipment on his head. Goggles, ear-muffs, 3 different helmets (builder, miner, motorcycle), gas mask, hockey mask, etc.
PAUL:
Barry!
BARRY:
(Muffled)
What?
PAUL:
Barry! Barry!
(Mimes)
Take off the safety equipment!
BARRY:
(Muffled)
I can't hear you. I am going to take off the safety equipment.
PAUL:
That's what I said.
BARRY:
(Muffled)
What?!
PAUL:
That's what I said!
BARRY:
(Muffled)
No. I haven't got any bread!
PAUL:
No, I said... it doesn't matter.
BARRY:
(Muffled)
What?!
Paul turns away in exhaustion. He then takes a very deep breath, holds it and turns back to Barry, who has removed all the equipment and now only wears a daft grin on his face.
BARRY:
You alright, Paul? You're looking a bit purple.
Paul exhales.
PAUL:
Never mind that. Come and look at this...
Paul leads the way. Behind them they leave the shredded remains of clothes and a rotatory washing line.
They both survey the veg patch.
BARRY:
Oh, dear, oh dear...
PAUL:
Oh, dear, oh dear...
BARRY:
(Confused)
What we looking at?
PAUL:
What do you mean? It's my vegetable patch!
BARRY:
Oh, right... where are all the vegetables?
PAUL:
Well that's the problem, you see.
BARRY:
You're an incompetent gardener?
PAUL:
What?! No, no, no. Look...
Paul pulls out some baby sweetcorn from the ground.
BARRY:
We've become giants!
PAUL:
Yes! Wait, no! Don't be daft.
BARRY:
Oh...
PAUL:
All the vegetables are tiny. Someone has been tampering with our crop.
BARRY:
Aliens?
PAUL:
I'm not ruling it out, Barry. I'm not ruling it out...
BARRY:
What we going to do?
PAUL:
You leave it with me.
BARRY:
Leave what with you?
PAUL
The plan, Barry. The plan.
BARRY:
I don't have the plan.
PAUL:
(Increasingly frustrated)
I know, I'll come up with it.
BARRY:
Oh I see... (still baffled).
They stand there, thinking. Paul repeatedly comes up with new ideas and then instantly dismisses them.
BARRY:
(reluctantly)
Could we be giants?
PAUL:
Look, Barry. If we were giants I wouldn't have been able to put my shoes on this morning, would I?
BARRY:
You're not wearing shoes.
Paul looks down and realises he's not.
PAUL:
How very odd, Barry. How very odd.
BARRY:
It still doesn't explain the tiny veg?
PAUL:
I've got it! Follow me.
They walk back into the house, trampling over all the shredded clothes.
A Green waste disposal truck pulls up the other side of the fence. It unloads its collection straight into their garden, covering the vegetable patch.
Inside the truck we see two men who share uncanny characteristics with the Chuckle Brothers. They are called Ronnie and Gary.
RONNIE:
What are you doing, Gary? You've tipped the waste into somebodies garden, again!
GARY:
I'm sorry, Ronnie. It's these shoes. They're too big.
RONNIE:
I told you to take them back to the cobblers. Come on, let's go!
The truck quickly escapes.
Paul and Barry return to the garden, carrying a large tarpaulin sheet.
PAUL:
To me, Barry...
BARRY:
To you, Paul...
PAUL:
To me...
Paul trips over the new mound of soil on the veg patch and disappears under the tarpaulin.
BARRY:
Paul?
PAUL:
Barry!
BARRY:
Paul?
PAUL:
Barry!
BARRY:
Paul?
PAUL:
Barry, Barry! Look!
Barry lifts the tarpaulin up and sees Paul laying in the soil, covered in full sized veg.
PAUL:
It's a miracle, Barry!
BARRY:
A miracle?
PAUL:
Look, the veg has grown back to full size.
BARRY:
Are we no longer giants, Paul?
PAUL:
I did it, Barry.
BARRY:
But we didn't do anything yet.
PAUL:
But it must've been me. It couldn't have been you, could it?
Barry gives Paul an irked nod.
He pulls away the tarpaulin and Paul gets up, the both survey the patch.
PAUL:
That's better.
BARRY:
Yes, it is. Anyway, I had better get back to pruning the roses.
The sound of a chainsaw revs.
PAUL:
Well, you be careful Barry. Last time you shredded my shoes and I had to take them to cobblers...
BARRY:
Will do, Paul.
They both whistle contently.
THE END.
