I posted a script here about a week ago and got some good advice from the posters, so I went away and rewrote it with some of their comments in mind. For my second ever drafting of a sitcom script, I'm quite happy with it.
However, I do think that I have perhaps rushed headlong into sitcom writing.
I bought the 'How to be a sitcom writer' book a few days ago and I'm going to give that a thorough read through before I do anything else. The characters and setup I came up with in my script which is below were ok, I suppose, but I don't think theres room for a whole series out of them. Its good practice though, so find below my latest piece of work!
I'd be interested to hear your comments etc!
Gram Sitcom
Int. Front room of Jen's flat
It is evening time. Gram is sat on the sofa watching TV and enjoying a glass of red wine. Some noises start coming from the hallway. Gram turns up the TV
Jen OOV: (shouting) GIVE IT BACK! NO!!! GIVE IT BACK!!!
Gram looks over at the door leading to the hallway and gives a look of disbelief and shakes his head. The noise stops and he looks satisfied and turns the volume down. A few seconds later some louder noises start up. Gram turns the TV up louder.
Jen OOV: (shouting) HEY! YOU GIVE THAT BACK!!! COME HERE!!! NOOOOO!!! GIVE IT!!! GIVE IT!!!!
Gram groans and his head goes back in frustration. The noise stops and Gram turns the Tv volume down accordingly.
Gram: (shouting) Here, Jen, are you alright?
Jen OOV: Yeaaaaah! Its all sorted! Just get on with watching your program.
Gram: Well I think I'm gonna call it a night soon.
There's no reply and he comfortably sinks back into the sofa. There's 4 seconds silence and then several loud thuds from the hallway followed by the sound of thundering feet.
Jen OOV: GAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!! WHY'VE YOU DONE THAT????!!!!! WHY????? HEY!!! COME HERE!!! NO!!!! COME BACK HERE!!!! GIVE IT!!! (huffing and puffing noises) HA! GOT IT!
Gram holds the TV remote up at head level with an unimpressed look on his face. He turns the TV off just as the door to the hall flies open and in runs two cats followed by and irate Jen. Jen looks at the cats
Jen: I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND! HOW CAN A DUMB ANIMAL UNDERSTAND HOW TO EXPLOIT THE MOST INTRICATE NUANCES OF THE HUMAN PSYCHE???!
Gram: (suddenly remembering) Did you make that cocoa for me, Jen?
Jen ignores this and carries on berating the cats
Jen: WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU???!
The cats lurk away to a dark corner of the room.
Gram: Well, you did get them spayed. If someone had done that to me at the age of 1, then I think I'd have a bit of a grudge to bear as well, to be honest.
Gram looks thoughtful for a moment and then cups his genitals and shudders slightly.
Jen does not answer this as she is too concerned with looking at something she is holding up close to her face.
Gram: (mockingly) So what grand larceny have they committed this time? Have they stolen your last piece of chocolate? Your Heath Ledger autograph? Or perhaps the most heinous theft of all! The last page from your latest 'chick lit' book!
Gram gets up off the sofa and moves towards Jen. Jen quickly hides whatever it is behind her back.
Gram: Wait
Gram puts his right index finger to his right temple.
Gram: Yep. Yep. My insightful mind tells me that you're acting suspicious. So either you've used borrowed and blunted my razor or...or....
Gram pats his pockets to make sure nothings missing, all the time staring at Jen, and suddenly pushes his hand deep down into his left pocket. A look of disbelief becomes etched on his face.
Gram: (through gritted teeth) Where's. MY. Tan. Italian leather. Wallet! (wildly and pointing at the cats) If they've had that then I swear I'll be making a new one out of their hides.
Jen: Your wallets over there on the table, Gram.
Gram walks over to the wallet where one of the cats is inquisitively sniffing it. Gram quickly snatches from under the cats nose and puts it in his left pocket.
Gram: Hmmmph!
Gram: Well if its not something of mine, why won't you let me see it? I'm curious now and we all know what curiosity did....
Gram looks over at the cats
Gram: Don't we!
Gram looks back at Jen
Gram: So what is it? Is it something they shouldn't have had
Jen nods her head.
Gram: Are you going to tell me what it is?
Jen shakes her head with an uncomfortable look on her face. Gram puts his hands up.
Gram: Well that's ok. Its too late to worry about that. Silly old cats eh! They're a pair of rum 'uns aren't they!
Gram does a fake yawn and stretch of the arms. Then he quickly grabs at whats behind Jen's back. He holds it up to the light. As he examines it he picks up his glass of red wine and takes a swig.
Gram: Ah! So it's a...wait... Is this one of your tampons? Odd choice for a cat I suppose, but not entirely....hang on...whats it doing out of its packet? And...what' this?
Gram is now looking in horror at something at the top of the tampon
Gram: This isn't…no it can't be…no no..jesus no….
Jen: Yes, Gram. Its my blood, but....
Gram looks at his glass of wine, back at the bloody tampon and then finally at the glass of wine. He slowly puts down the glass of wine.
Gram: (calmly) Right. Now, I think I'm going to go and be sick.
Gram stuffs the tampon back into Jen's hands and puts his hand over his mouth. He begins dry heaving and runs out of the room.
Int Jen's Bedroom
Bedroom has obviously been decorated by a girl. Purple colours. Cuddly toys scattered about and photos of family and friends. Picture of Keanu Reeves or some other mid to late 90's hearththrob on the wall.
Gram is sitting on the bed looking rather unwell. Jen enters
Jen: Oh there you are. Look about the tampon...
Gram holds his hand up in a 'halt' manner
Gram: I don't want to hear any more about that. Just chuck it away. Then chuck your furry vampires away. You do realise I'm never going to be able to drink Merlot again! (to himself) I dread to think what my parents are going to say about that.
Jen: You haven't heard the whole story yet.
Jen sits down next to Gram on the bed.
Jen: It's not as bad as you think. Just before I burst in the front room, you heard me shouting right?
Gram sits up a little more and looks intrigued.
Gram: (enquiringly) Yeeeees?
Jen: Well I was trying to wrestle it out of the cats mouth and the wrapper got ripped. Then Taylor swiped at the tampon and cut my thumb. Look.
Jen holds her thumb up close to Gram. Gram looks at it and scoffs.
Gram: (mockingly) Oooh that looks deep. I think you might need stitches
Gram takes hold of Jen's thumb and looks a little deeper
Gram: (faux seriously) Actually! You've got that needle and thread set in the kitchen just lying around, so why don't I just go....
Jen pulls her thumb away.
Jen: Don't be silly.
Gram: So, does this mean that the blood on the tampon was from your finger and not the shed lining of your womb?
Jen: Clinically put, but yes.
Gram looks overjoyed and relieved
Gram: Ah that's brilliant, Jen. (summarising) I'll be able to carry on drinking red vino and perhaps the cats aren't in the employment of Beelzebub after all. (Suspiciously) Still, they could be freelance.
Jen: I think they just get a little sick of being stuck in here, but you know I don't like letting them out for long because of the busy road out there. I think it would drive me crazy too.
Gram: Heh! Imagine if Dr Seuss had owned your two cats! Generations of American kids would have been brought up on tales of violence, theft and...actually I don't think that would have made much difference, would it?
Jen: (confused) um no.
Gram: Well, I think I'm gonna hit the sack now. I've got a busy days holiday tomorrow.
Jen: Oh don't rub it in! I've got a mountain of paperwork waiting for me at the office tomorrow.
Gram gets off the bed and pulls his t-shirt and shorts off. He quickly hops back into bed and taps the empty space in the bed next to him and gives a short growl. Jen raises her eyebrows and shakes her head. She then gets up off the bed, walks round to her side and gets in. She gets a pair of nail scissors out of the bedside drawer and starts cutting a few cuticles.
Gram: Oh and remember its Jen night tomorrow night! That's why I've taken a days holiday; its so I can spend all day preparing the perfect evening for you. It's my way of saying thanks for all the little things you do for me.
Jen stops trimming her cuticles and looks at Gram.
Jen: Awwwww, you really know how to make a girl feel special, don't you!
Jen gives Gram a kiss and then goes back to trimming her cuticles.
Gram: When you come home tomorrow night there's going to be dinner, a film, romance and then if you're lucky…
Gram lifts up the bed cover and stares down at what is obviously his penis. He looks over at Jen who is cutting her nails. Gram nods at Jen, smiles and then looks down at his penis before looking up at Jen again and smiling with a cocky 'you know you want it' look on his face.
Jen: I'm sorry?
Gram makes the same face again and nods at his penis. Jen stops cutting her nails and looks at the nail scissors, holds them up to her head level and then looks at Gram and makes an exaggerated cutting gesture aimed at his genitals. Gram's face quickly changes to a state of shock and he quickly drops the covers.He runs his hands through his hair trying to look cool and collected.
Gram: Alright! Alright! Chill out, Jen. We don't want to go getting all hasty, ok? So how ‘bout that cup of cocoa, eh?
Jen: (annoyed) Oh you're just so selfish sometimes. I wouldn't be surprised if this whole Jen Day isn't just some big brownie points earner for yourself and nothing to do with my wellbeing.
Gram: Me? Selfish?! I'm going to spend the whole day making sure that everything is perfect for you! There's no you in selfish.
Jen: (confused) Does that actually make any sense? (To herself) You in selfish…. There's no you in selfish.
Gram: No, I don't think it does, but you get the general idea. So, as I said, I'm sacrificing a day's holiday to make you feel special. Now, what more could a woman want?
Jen: (filled with venom) Oh I don't know! How about a boyfriend who takes a days holiday the same time as her???!!!
Few seconds of silence
Gram: (quietly and refusing to admit he's beat) You know, for a woman as snotty as you, I'm surprised you don't have more sinus problems.
Jen: (getting annoyed) Oh shut up. You just know that I'm right and you're wrong. Couples are supposed to holiday together. Look at Rob and Louise....
Gram: Oh Rob and Louise! Great example! And where do they always go on holiday?
Jen: That's irrelevant.
Gram: No, No. I think it's very relevant. They go camping in South Wales, don't they? And we all know that the only people who go camping are sex offenders and church goers. (2 seconds silence and then Gram says to himself) I wonder if that's where they met that priest which married them. Hmmmmmm.
Jen: Yes it was
Gram: (knowingly) and?
Jen: and he was there in his capacity as a scoutmaster, but that doesn't mean anything!
Gram: Well of course it does. It's the double whammy.
Jen raises her eyebrows at Gram and is now visibly annoyed and Gram knows this.
Gram: Calm down! Calm down! I'm only joking ok! Here, guess what film I've got us to watch? Only the new Ben Affleck film! Pretty good ain't I?!
Jen: But I thought the new Ben Affleck film only came out yesterday? Oh God, its not going to another one of those dodgy bootlegs off Sumo Pete is it? We'd get more viewing pleasure from conjunctivitis. (Chuckles) You remember that Pink Floyd dvd he burnt you? Ha! the sound was terrible!
Gram: No no, that was a genuine, digital surround sound copy.
Jen: (confused) Oh...
Gram: You've got no taste have you *tut tut*, but don't worry. I swear that this bootleg will be absolutely fantastic. It's going to be the first thing I sort out tomorrow. Everythings going to be as smooth as I am.
