Hi!

I've been living in London for over a year now and still haven't really met anyone that's into the comedy I'm into.

I only moved from Bedfordshire!

I've only ever sold one sketch. It was for Radio 4, and even though it was the first thing I'd ever gone for it wasn't the comedy I want to be writing/acting for.

This is a little sample of what I like. It's a bit messy....

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The naked lady......female vegetarian lies face up on the floor of the meat cell.

...........Shackles keep her in her place..........

........................

..............................arms out.........

.....legs spread.............

.......................................her legs are spread.........

..............spread good.

The floor is meat..........the walls are meat.......

..............

...................Everything is meat........all kinds......congealed jelly cement holds the many forms together...

...............

.....................beef.......chicken.......ham.......duck.......rabbit........

............dog & cat.........

.........................................not all dead either........mostly skinned........

...........but even some of those.......well......meat surprise.......

.............It's fresh..........for now..........it's fresh.......and it's tasty.

................................

.................Many forms..........every form you can think of.......and a hell of a lot more.........

.........................The congealed meat cement glistens......jelly cement.....

.............

..................it glistens in the dark.

The visible light makes the meat cell come alive........

.....beautiful..........a muted chicken flap from somewhere deep within.......

...............

...................Deep walls........deep ceiling........deep floor.........deep meat.

......................................DEEP MEAT!

............

.......................The naked lady......female vegetarian lies there with her eyes closed....

...................not dead........where would the fun be in that?

.............................

.....................................Noise........noise.........NOISE..........

..................

........................NOISE!!!!

.........BEEF COW.........COW BEEF SCARED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.............................................................................scared beef.........

......crying beef.............

............................................beef cry....

.......poor little beef cry.

......................

............................Scared beef on ceiling rail.......pinned through the flesh.........

..............

.................BEEF EYE!

.........................................poor little beef eye.........bloody beef.......

..................

......................BEEF NOISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The naked lady......female vegetarian opens her eyes..........

....................................

...........................................

...........she doesn't even have time to question where she is.......

............

..............no time to question anything.........perfect timing........

.........................

As she awakens from her naked coma........the first thing she sees is the humungous beef cow being ripped apart above her..

...................

.............................Ceiling rail pulse.........a strange electrical pulse.......

.................

........................and the beef cow splits in two............

..................................It's beautiful how the beef cow comes apart..........

...............................................torn............

.........................

..............................blood........guts.......shit..........beef cow..........

...................

........................it covers her..........the naked lady......female vegetarian........

.................................

.....................................covered............

.................She screams....................sick............it is revolting to watch her vomiting bloody cow shit.........

.....................................revolting.......yet fascinating.

Spread legged beef period.................

..........she's had a spread legged beef period........how embarrassing?

....She screams............she..........

...........SHE...........
.........................................she tries to..........

..........beef cow choke...............

........................................................gut f**ked............

....................

..................................beef cow surprise.............eyeball manoeuvre............

..........MOOO BALL!

.................An imaginary moo.............

.......MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

............Split hanging carcass.........eye contact...........

.................

..................blood everywhere.........................puddles of it.........

......gut sculpture.......

.........................................................................................

..............................................

............................................................blood everywhere.

..........

.............

........

.........................Shackles.......removed.
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ESCAPE FROM THE MEAT CELL/SPREAD LEGGED BEEF PERIOD............. TBC

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<Stereotype.... with heart!>

<Raspy, American accent>

......

...

..........

So anyway......that's the end of that story.

WOMEN!

What you gonna do?....

Y'know what I'm saying?

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING!

My wife....she nags....she nags all the f**king time......let me tell you that!

What you gonna do?

One time she was busting my one remaining testicle about this little situation I got myself into.....y'know?

Y'know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying!

I said look Honey......I was talking to this chick......

.....

.....next thing I know........she was sucking my dick?!

What you gonna do?...What the f**k you gonna do?

<He points to a man who is sitting next to his wife>

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING!

You know what I'm saying.

I told her.....I don't love her!......I just cum in her mouth sometimes....just like masturbation but with no need for tissue..

..if anything...

......I'm saving the f**king environment!

I'M SAVING THE FUCKING ENVIRONMENT HERE!

I'm saving the f**king environment and you know what she did?!

She f**king shoots me!....I shit you not....she f**king shoots me!

<He holds his stomach with his hands>

Right in the f**king stomach!.....blood everywhere.....luckily for me she was too f**king dumb to reload the f**king thing....but.....what you gonna do?

Shit happens....chick sucks ya dick....wife shoots you in the stomach......that's life.....old Franky got that one right....let me tell you that.

But those doctors.....forget the shit you read in the papers....they are brilliant people...smart people...

...they are good people.......they patched up my sorry ass.....let me tell you that!

My wife......she's a beautiful woman......so she shoots me in the stomach......take her to court....throw her in jail......nah....f**k that shit.

So she shoots me in the stomach........made me think.....that I love that f**king bitch......y'know?

That's life.....shit happens.....but that's life people.

So give yourself some loving.......come on!

GIVE YOURSELF SOME LOVING!

GIVE YOURSELF SOME MOTHERFUCKING LOVING YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE YOU!

<He looks at the audience....he knows they like this shit.....and for one second he almost lets his mask slip>

<For one second Johnny Santiago's smile was replaced by someone else's......but if you didn't know......you would never know>

<He looks at the two showgirls standing to his left and right......then looks to the audience>

Why is it folks.....that the older I get......

THE FUCKING UGLIER THE SHOWGIRLS GET!!!

Y'KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?!

<He points to the man sitting next to his wife>

You definitely know what I'm saying!

<The man in the audience bursts out with laughter.....and so does the man's wife>

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*This one's a bit more serious

88888888888888888888888888888888888888888

SPEECH!....SPEECH!SPEECH!SPEECH!SPEECH!

88888888888888888888888888888888888888888

A 7 inch knife gonna make me a man...

...like my brother....my big brother Dan.

DAN DAN DAN....MUM IS SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!

We're all so proud of you....you used to be such a pussy.

Yes you did Dan...YES....YOU....DID!

.....My big brother.....

.......THE PUSSY......

And what a pussy you were.

You embarrassed me Dan.

You remember?

They beat you up.....all the time Dan.

ALL THE TIME!!!!

THEY LAUGHED AT ME!!!!!

THEY LAUGHED DAN!!!!

YOU EMBARRASSED ME....YOU EMBARRASSED DAD...

YOU EMBARRASSED YOURSELF!!!

YOURSELF DAN!!!

YOURSELF!

But then you....

...and it pains me to say this...

.....being the younger brother that I am.

BUT THEN....YOU BECAME....A MAN!

A 7 INCH BEAUTY.....DAN.....YOU DONE WELL MY BROTHER.

A 7 inch beauty...sitting in your pocket....

......lurking in the dark......

THE DARK OF THE LEVI...

.....LURKING.....

IN THE DARKNESS OF THE LEVI!

YOU ARE THE MAN......YOU ARE THE MAN!

I can't thank you enough my big brother.

I became King.....I am King.

The King.....Dan....my sweet brother...

THE KING!

THE KING OF THE COUNCIL ESTATE!!!!

All because of you.....Dan...

....all because of you....

...and your new found fame.

All because of you....and that 7 inch beauty.

ALL BECAUSE OF YOU....

AND THAT 7 INCH BEAUTY....

AND THE COPPER...

The copper....the family man...

...with his dirty piggy wife...and his dirty piggy children.

The copper...Dan....

...the copper...

...the one that wanted to start...

...the one....

...you stabbed through the heart.

................

........

....

I will save you a place at the table my brother....

....my beautiful brother....we shall rule.....

We shall rule...

WE WILL RULE!

Thank you....my sweet brother.

Thank you.

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http://timeslipsfromyesterday.com/Mummys_Little_Soldier_Boy.html

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INT. THE CLUB -- MORNING

The club is empty. Somewhere in the background is the sound of something alien, mechanically buzzing in the distance. Jacob lies corpse-like on his back in the middle of the stage.

The sound gets closer. Closer........ CLOSER!

He opens his eyes. He painfully lifts his head up and looks around to assess the situation. After a few seconds he puts his head back down and accidentally smashes it off the floor.

JACOB: Shit!

<He covers his face with his hands>

JACOB: What a f**king... f**ked up. FUCK UP!

<The sound is upon him now. Jacob quickly sits up and finds Mary, 60, hoovering the back of the stage. She turns Henry off>

MARY: You okay, love?

JACOB: I'm a f**kup.

MARY: Oh Jacob....

JACOB: I errrr, I was on stage last night and then, I don't know? Alcohol? I must of cained it, Mary. Do you know what I did?

<Mary smiles the smile you don't ever want to see>

MARY: Ray didn't say much. You were lying there when I came in this morning. I thought you might be dead. I asked Ray if you were alright and he just said you went a little bit mental.

<Jacob covers his face with his hands, again>

JACOB: (half smiling) I told you I was a f**kup.

MARY: Well, maybe a little one.

<Jacob slowly stands and begins to walk towards the bar>

JACOB: Ray in the office, Mary?

MARY: Yes, love.

JACOB: Thanks, Mary.

<He staggers into a table and falls over>

Henry laughs at him.

CUT TO:

INT. RAY'S OFFICE -- MINUTES LATER

<Ray sits at his desk looking at something on his computer. Next to him is a jumbo box of Tick-Ticks. He clicks the mouse a few times and sits back in his chair>

<He stares into the monitor. Mesmerized>

RAY: Dirty little teeny...

<He pops a Tick-Tack. As he positions himself closer to the monitor there's a knocks on the door>

RAY: One sec......

<Jacob opens the door, staggers into the door frame, shuts the door and flops down into the chair opposite Ray's desk>

JACOB: I'm sorry, you were right.

RAY: I know I was.

<Ray holds out the box of Tick-Tacks to Jacob who refuses with a hand gesture>

RAY: Last night was pretty f**king mental, but I got to hand it to you, when you have a meltdown, you do it in f**king style.

JACOB: MELTDOWN! Jesus Christ, man. Was I that bad?

RAY: Well, it's all subjective I suppose. You, no you, you were pretty f**king bad.

<Jacob lowers his head in slightly amused shame>

RAY: It was actually pretty interesting to watch.... from a psychological viewpoint.

<Ray laughs>

JACOB: Come on?! I feel like shit here.

RAY: Okay. You came on stage and started telling a few Bill Hicks style observations, life, politics, which I definitely thought you made your own...

JACOB: Hey, I'm not trying to be Bill Hicks, there's only one Bill Hicks. Then why the meltdown?

RAY: Good question. They weren't liking it. Council estate crowd.

JACOB: I'm from a f**king council estate?!

RAY: What you gonna do?

<Jacob smiles>

JACOB: OH MAN! I feel like shit, give us a Tick-Tack.

<Ray throws him the box>

RAY: Anyway, they weren't laughing, you had a few hecklers...

JACOB: F**kers.

RAY: Then you drank a bottle of whisky.

JACOB: A bottle of whisky?!

RAY: Yeah. I don't even know where you got it from. The audience were actually quite impressed.

JACOB: Whisky....

RAY: Then you just went a little bit wild. Mental, a little bit mental.

JACOB: Oh for f**k sake, how mental?

RAY: Just screaming and stuff. You done the "man sees a priest at a bus stop" extreme style. It was good, just a little bit weird.

JACOB: F**k, I need to stop drinking. I thought I sorted it.

RAY: What's up with you? I thought you stopped when your neighbour caught you aligning the wheelie bins in the middle of the road, four in the morning?

<Ray smiles, Jacob does his best to hide his>

JACOB: I can't even walk down my own f**king street. I don't know what's wrong.

RAY: Look, mate, get some rest. Have a few weeks off. Maybe go see the doctor?

JACOB: I don't need a doctor, it's just when I drink. I...

RAY: You need to chill, stop thinking so much. I'm not saying don't be creative, just chill with it. Go shag a bird, or a bloke? All's fair in love and war, mate.

JACOB: Women, I just can't talk to them. I say something and it comes out all wrong, like I'm a cocky little twat or something? Most of them are just so f**king dumb anyway, y'know?

RAY: Thick as pig shit! I've had three wives...

<Jacob smiles>

RAY: Just take it easy, okay?

JACOB: Yeah, I will. I'm gonna sort myself out. Sorry.

<Jacob stands up and leaves>

RAY: OH YEAH, LAST NIGHT, YOU GOT YOUR COCK OUT!
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It doesn't paste very well. I want to be involved in a comedy/acting troupe of some kind. I want to do something different.

I wrote these ages ago. I wrote them as character thoughts/monologues. I like all styles, but I want the acting to be good.

Whatever it is.

Get in touch if you feel the same.

Ty

X
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I want to say something but you might kill me if I do.

Hey! I'm new to this site! Don't be silly. What do you want to say?

I hate not having a picture! It makes me feel like a stalker!

I'm working on it.

I can't. You will murder me.

I'm scared

You're actually scaring me.

I've only put down a few rough sketches for people to read.

It's time for me to try and meet people in London!

Stand Up poetry next week!

AND that's something that truly scares me!

X

My lovely, the first sketch is a bit....Well beefy.
I am struggling to work out what it means. I am a tad dumb though.
Is it the insides of a vagina?

Cool Jamie T.
Your pic is nice. You are certainly a very f**kable young man. However I would be a little concerned that It would be my last shag ever!

I just don't get the beef sketch. Im sorry. If you could explain what it means I might be able to help.
PS I am unarmed

Yeah well, you're not dumb. Never think or say that.

X

Fankoo! your very sweet
Hopefuly someone will come by soon with more intelligence than I & they may be able to critique you better.

I have to go to bed now. In a house in New Zealand. I have 4 rotweilers & a high security fence. CCTV footage is linked to every police station in the world. Just to let you know.

xxxx
Keep writing.

Welcome to the BCG!

What's with the formatting of your first sketch, is that intentional?

Yeah, well I'm not afraid to say I completely fail to get what this is about. The formatting is weird, the prose is more like avant-garde poetry or something, too much language for language's sake, as far as I can see, and I lost interest/persistence in it about two-thirds of the way down. The more propely formatted stuff after that seemed to be going nowhere, but I guess if you were paid for this someone must like it.
Not for me though. Not a f**king clue, as you might say yourself.
Don't mean to be rude/insulting, but it just did nothing for me and I didn't understand any part of it. Sorry.

Not getting this at all