Police Mascots

Filmed documentary. 1 Camera crew following a Senior Police
officer in Bristol.

INT: PUB: NIGHT
Drunk Man 1 - Hey, you looking at my bird
Drunk Man 2 - She's not your bird, she's the borough slag
DM1 - OUTSIDE, NOW!
DM2 - YEAH, You're On!
EXT: PUB: NIGHT
In street is a Police van, 3 Police officers and two huge Mascots (Men
dressed in padded 10 ft Cartoon characters).

DM1 - Evening Officer

A police officer does a casual salute.

Police Officer - Evening Sir

Each Drunk man begins attacking and beating up a huge Mascot while
the Police stand-back and watch.

Camera pans to Police officer

Police Officer - Violence is unavoidable. Alcohol, tiredness, money troubles or just plain hormones will create fights or worse, damage property. So here in Bristol we've placed our Mascots in all the known violence hotspots.

Plus, as you can see, these 10ft hunks of fun add a cheery nuance to the city streets at night! See those drunks don't mind! They get to have a big ole gay fight and even get cheered for their efforts! Go On WOBBLY SHOE, give it some!

---------------------
Cut to outside a nightclub. A bunch of aggressive drunk girls in
stilettos and short-skirts come spilling over to camera crew,
screaming "B'stards kicked us out, I gonna p%ss on you all! You wait till I tell my Dad"

The Police Van screeches around the corner.

We hear an officer shout 'OUT OUT OUT'

4 huge Cartoon mascots bound out the van and rush the girls. 3 girls
begin attacking 2 Mascots. One girl cuddles a Mascot, she's giggling and resembles a baby in her mother's arms. Another girl begins snogging a Mascot.

Camera pans to Police officer

Police Officer - Our crack-squad! See em! We give alarm systems to all major establishments.

The police officer holds up an alarm device. It has the picture of a cartoon duck on the front.

Police Officer - Once pressed, we 'The Police' using the latest GPS
technology, will arrive within 2 minutes, resolving the disturbances effectively.

TV Crew - What if Knives or guns are involved?

Police Officer - KEVLAR! All our Mascots are made from Kevlar. Oh look, behind you.

Camera pans to street corner. A feral man has appeared, he's carrying a
flick knife and appears to be creeping upto a middle class couple.

Police Officer - GET BOUNCY BABY!

Other officers all shout out for 'Bouncy Baby'.

A huge mascot, looking like a well padded Sumo in a nappy jumps out the van and
runs up to the knife wielding man. The middle age couple look terrified, the lady feints. The attacker is first surprised and angrily stabs the Sumo. Sumo falls, gets back up and goes for the knife man again. The stabber stabs again. Sumo keeps retracting and advancing.

Camera pans to Police officer who talks into camera. Sumo attack continues behind officer. Police Officer keeps looking over his shoulder, excited.

Police Officer - A clear demonstration! Fantastic. Lovely. Ooh look now, the gentleman with the knife has become exhausted after just a few moments of stabbing Bouncy Baby.

Fast Forward 5 minutes. Knife man is exhasted and cuffed. He sits in the back of the Police Van. In the distance we see the Police officer and Bouncy baby come together. The camera rapidly zooms up. The Police Officer give Bouncy Baby a very big proud fatherly hug.

My kind of weird!

thanks for reading them. Did they make you laugh? I hope they both had the right amount of humour to get the message across without killing the laugh:-)

It was funny - but more weird than funny - if that makes sense!

yeah it makes sense! I'm aiming for more of the funny than the weird. Perhaps I can get more funny from the choice of actors? Or should I add puns? Funny dialogue coming from the characters?

D'oh! Here he comes on a downer again!
Sorry not to be more positive, but this did nothing for me. Weird yes, in a sort of Monty Python way, but not funny. I didn't laugh, even though I wanted to, as I realise you're really trying to get a good sketch together. I'm sure there's one in there somewhere, but for me, sorry this ain't it. (Plus the idea of someone stabbing poor Squirry the Squirrel or some other cute mascot makes me shiver! Have you not received any calls yet from the RSPCM?? )

Ah well, keep trying. Feel free to slag off my own creations further down, "VIP in Hell" and "The Santa Caper --- a Police Squad Christmas Story", not to mention "The most feared predator"! Might show you how it's NOT done...!

Booo for Trollheart!

Well Troll I've read your 3 sketches and I like the brain they came out of. I know I can write a sketch you're gonna love.

So give me that chance. What topic do you want a joke on? Simon Cowell or another famous character/person? A concept or even a country.

Plus in what style would you love this sketch? I've demonstrated a character sketch(literally), a silly sketch (python), a cheesepun filled sketch (subo) and concept/society sketch (high street bank) - however I can do anyother style you want! I write some sketches in Film Noir even:0)

You know there's a subject you can test me on. I'm so eager to please and when you laugh out loud - my mission will be completed:0)

Hey Vroomboo,

I liked the idea of this one but still not really much to laugh at.

I thought this was rather good, nice idea, played quite simply.

Maybe could be a little neater and perhaps lose the slag references they don't add much.

OMG!!! I'm weeping at your niceness! YES I HATE THE WORD SLAG but I'm playing to the audience while falling down a deep dark well!!!

>_<

WILL CAM - what is your favourite comedy group/sketch/movie/characters? Choose one and I will write my next sketch inspired by knowing exactly what you like. I'm gonna make you laugh - I know it! I want it!

I feel your pain, I really do. But there's no point asking what you should write to make me laugh, as I don't know what will, at any particular time, do that. Visual comedy is always funny (pratfalls) but that doesn't work with written comedy. I do like wordplay, but then again, only certain types. It's really, really hard to quantify what makes one person laugh and not another. Just keep going: I know you will make me laugh at some point, and I'll certainly let you know when that happens.

I'm rootin' for ya!

Thanks, by the way, for the kind praise for my own poor efforts. Don't think many others liked 'em, though!

That's why most successful people don't put down other successful people - because everyone who puts creative ideas out there will get more haters in this virtual space than anything else.

What sketch group do you love or stand-up comic? I can even do Frankie Boyle if that's your bag.

War is a consistant human activity... ergo hate and feelings of supremacy are the default of tired man and woman! If everyone had 3 meals a day and 8 hours sleep in a warm cosy bed - every sketch would be about the silly shapes of things... and everyone on this forum would love them!!

OK well, since you've asked, and purely as a way of perhaps illustrating what I personally find funny, and not directing you in any way (cos no-one should write for any singular person --- unless they're auditioning for them, of course!), the kind of shows I enjoy are
Red Dwarf
Bottom
Black Adder
Frasier
South Park
Simpsons (though not recently)
Futurama
Better off Ted
Monty Python (not the animations though!)
No Signal (gets quite repetitive though)
Black Books
One foot in the grave
New Stateman
Police Squad! (though not the Naked Gun movies generally)
Father Ted

and hundreds more. As for standups, I generally speaking don't like s/u comedy: it's either unnnecessarily crude/abusive or the comic is trying too hard and failing. Probably the only ones I would watch do s/u would be as below:-

Rik Mayall
Ade Edmondson
Alexei Sayle
Bill Bailey
Dylan Moran
Lenny Henry
Craig Charles

Just shows how varied your approach to comedy can be, doesn't it?

there is definatley a theme... classic boy funny stuff:0) I like many of the same! Now I know:0)

I like the idea, Vroomboo, but you haven't executed it with anything funny. I think less dialogue would help as it's getting in the way of the visuals which are a funny idea.