The Night Before New Years (a poem)

Second Edit:

'Twas the night before new years
Whilst riding a train
10 minutes from London
When I felt a pain

And from my intestines,
I heard such a clatter
I sprang from my chair,
To deal with the matter...

But no toilet was vacant
I started to I panic
And the feeling inside me
Grew increasingly manic

But the train started slowing
Approaching Kings Cross
But my gullet was heaving
I had to get off

I jumped down to the platform
A hurry to leave
Then I hid past a corner
And started to heave

As I drew in my head,
and was turning around,
the contents of breakfast,
came to the ground.

I barfed and I chundered
And longed for my bed
Whilst visions of antacids
Danced through my head

Then a man on the platform
In a big orange coat
Started walking towards me
I sobbed from my throat

He had a broad face
and a little round belly,
That bounced when he walked,
like James Corden off telly

"I'm going to get shouted at"
I bawled and I cried
With a breath reminiscent
Of something which died

But I heard him exclaim,
'ere we ran out of sight,
"Come back here and clean this,
you miserable shite!"

Quote: Nat Wicks @ January 10 2011, 2:12 PM GMT

A stand up style poem to be performed at a spoken word night. Don't need help with rhyme or meter (some of the 1st and 3rd lines do only scan right though if you say a couple of two syllable words as one, which I will be doing in performance), but would like feedback on overall and whether stanzas are in the right order/should be there at all.

Also, this is a true story, so please feel my pain.

The Night Before New Years

'Twas the night before new years
Whilst riding a train
10 minutes from London
When I felt a pain

I was feeling all funny
From great lack of sleep
And also far from helping
Was the carriage's heat

And so like a drunk baby
I swayed from my seat
Like a creature first learning
to move on its feet

But no toilet was vacant
I drooped and I cried
And the feeling inside me
Like all hope had died

With a sweat on my forehead
Like Athletes on telly
While my stomach convulse'd
Like a bowl full of jelly

But the train started slowing
We were at Kings Cross
But my gullet was heaving
I had to get off

I jumped down to the platform
A hurry to leave
Then I rounded a corner
And started to heave

I barfed and I chundered
And longed for my bed
Whilst visions of antacids
Danced through my head

Then a man on the platform
In an orange coat
Started walking towards me
I sobbed from my throat

"I'm going to get shouted at"
I cried and I bawled
No, You're just being stupid
My boyfriend enthralled

That's a thing from my bucket list,
That I can now tick
I'm one of those people who
Is publicly sick.

View original

Did this actually happen?

Ewwwww!

It was OK Nat if you can get it to scan. Not laugh out loud funny but enjoyable.

Quote: Nat Wicks @ January 10 2011, 2:12 PM GMT

Also, this is a true story, so please feel my pain.
The Night Before New Years

View original

Apart from the bit where I said no toilet was vacant. They were, I just didn't really work with me sitting in a cubicle weeping and not throwing up.

Quote: Will Cam @ January 10 2011, 2:24 PM GMT

It was OK Nat if you can get it to scan. Not laugh out loud funny but enjoyable.

View original

Thanks Will. Meter definitely works the way it's intended to be spoken, I did the highlighter excercise and marked all of my beats and then did it outloud while no one was in the room

To be honest, for the crowd it'll be used for, it doesn't need to be laugh out loud funny, they are easily pleased by rhyme and structure. Bloody pretentious students (I love them).

Nat, is enthralled in the penultimate verse the right word? Doesn't seem to make much sense in that context. Otherwise, I agree with Will Cam. *winces*

LOL!

Quote: Rob H @ January 10 2011, 2:42 PM GMT

Nat, is enthralled in the penultimate verse the right word? Doesn't seem to make much sense in that context.

View original

You know, I've been askign myself the same thing. I think I was focussing too much on the rhyme. Think I might change those two lines.

Otherwise, I agree with Will Cam. *winces*

Why wince?

a nice bit of satire that, especially the fit to the meter

I think it is good Nat but could be goooder. I think you should be a bit harder on yourself and if you can't bend the meaning neatly to fit the rhyme I'd find another one. things like felt and feeling - try and keep the logic right and avoid repetition if possible - as in the end stanza with 'that's'. The thing about this is that given it's subject matter the more eloquent you can make it in terms of rhythm and expression the more the juxtaposition will be funnier.

Worth a bit more work I reckon.

Well done for posting and remember sometimes it is good to get things off your chest - even in a public place.

Quote: Nat Wicks @ January 10 2011, 2:49 PM GMT

You know, I've been askign myself the same thing. I think I was focussing too much on the rhyme. Think I might change those two lines.

Why wince?

View original

Well, would you want to agree with Will Cam? Eh? Eh?

Awful, just awful

F**k your fat whorish mother.

I think it needs some funnier lines, Nat. Not really anything funny in there for me. I can't imagine writing a funny poem with lines so short is easy.

Hm. Not too bad for a first draft I think but I will need to do a lot more work on it and see if I can work some better jokes in and a big payoff.