Literally v0.2

Literally v2.0

Police Station Interview Room

Tabatha Whittle is a highly strung and pampered 30 year old girl. She's lived a charmed life. Detective Firth has a tidied up working class London accent. He faces Tabatha in this grey bare room. Tape recorder on table. A4 notes on table.

The Detective switches on Tape Recorder.

DETECTIVE: 11th November 2010, Detective Firth Kensington Police is interviewing Tabatha Whittle regarding Kidnapping attempt that was made on her this afternoon, 10th January 2011. Time is now 17:55.

DETECTIVE - I'm sorry you can't go straight home. Let go over the details of your kidnapping again - we've got a good chance of catching them.

TW - Firstly - I was literally terrified, out of my wits with terror. I was like, literally OMG they're going to kill me.

DETECTIVE - So this morning, you were home alone.

TW - Yeah, and literally hundreds of men burst into my house. Terrifying!

DETECTIVE - Hundreds?

TW - No, 3. 3 men. But literally they were as loud as hundreds.... Hundreds of men with horses and shit!

DETECTIVE - Could you describe them? Tall? Large? Black/White?

TW - Tall! Literally Giants! Large - YES! Black/White... and the rest! I was literally baby Jesus compared...

DETECTIVE - ok? The kidnapppers wore balaclavas? Blindfolded and cuffed your hands behind your back.

TW - Blindfold. I hate the dark, I literally die when it's dark, so they like
killed me literally with the blindfold. Their hands on my skin, icy
cold.

DETECTIVE - The cuffs? And how did you know their skin colour - with them all wearing Balaclava's?

TW - The cuffs twisting my wrists, tieing me up, the humiliation! [tears]

DETECTIVE - I'm sorry, would you like a few moments? Tea?

TW - It's ok - thanks.

DETECTIVE - Tabatha, the van? They put you into a van. Is that correct?

TW - It was a large vehicle. I was soooo scared.

DETECTIVE - Could the vehicle of been a car?

TW - was bigger than a car, smaller than a lorry

DETECTIVE - so it was a van?

TW - Bigger than a car, smaller than a lorry

DETECTIVE - A van?

TW - Um?

DETECTIVE - Literally a Van?

TW - YES! It was literally a Van. A Van a Van. Big, with seats. When they
opened the door - I could tell it was an SUV.

DETECTIVE - [Exasperated] Not a van. An SUV? How would, how could you know that??!! Sorry Sorry

TW - Well well I could see it silly! Literally my eyes were open and I looked, with my eyes and it was a big black Mercedes SUV.

DETECTIVE - ... a Merc SUV a Black Merc SUV? And how did you manage to remove the blindfold.. your hands are cuffed still? Behind your back?

TW - Huh?

DETECTIVE - Did you remove the blindfold, with your cuffed hands? Or did they? Um?

TW - Huh? They'd scared me, I suppose I'd shut my eyes. Which is Literally like a blindfold - yes?

DETECTIVE - no blindfold?!?

TW -

DETECTIVE - Cuffs? Were you wearing cuffs? Or were you just holding your hands behind your back, twisting your wrists. C'mon Tabatha!

TW - [Whimper]

DETECTIVE - With you eyes wide open - where did they take you?

TW - [shrug]

DETECTIVE - Did you see any signs? Please Tabatha, I know you're under lots of stress. Just think hard please. For me.

TW - We travelled for literally hundreds of hundreds miles and miles. I
was super terrified. I don't think you police people can understand that! The thug, who was driving had literally eyes in the back of his head, so I just sat petrified. I daren't even look out the window. I can't be expected to remember EVERYTHING!

DETECTIVE - I'm sure it was a horrendous ordeal. How long were you in the car? Can you estimate? We're really keen to identify where they took you so we can find these men, and lock them away. So think carefully.

TW - Ok ok I will try. They past a school..... and a police station.... They stopped in an Iceland. YEAH! Then they parked outside 14 Cleer Street.

DETECTIVE - Cleer Street? Umm? That's just by the high street? Yes... with Fishy's Fish and Chip shop on the corner?

TW - YES!

DETECTIVE - Great! That's about a 10 minute drive from your house???

TW - The driver led me into the house. He asked for my dads new mobile
number, dialled and demanded £50 from my dad.

DETECTIVE - No, they'd asked for half a million pounds from your dad!!!?

TW - But to my dad...half a million is like, literally £50... I was offended, quite literally, when my dad said No.

DETECTIVE - But then you managed to escape. From them?

TW - NinJa skills, combined with Yoga moves. You should teach that at the Police Acadamy. I flipped tables like BA Baracus in a Skirt. Literally Bin Lardened their Arses!

KNOCK KNOCK

DETECTIVE - WPC Ladette enters the interview room, hands me papers and leaves.

DETECTIVE - We have a Taxi driver here who claims he picked you up. From 14 Cleer Street.

TW -

DETECTIVE - He said 3 men led you to the Taxi. All of you were laughing. One of the men paid the Taxi fare with a tip, then kissed you.

TW-

DETECTIVE - Had you met these men before?

TW - huh? I'm literally starving, can I get a Skinny Muffin now?

Sorry Vroomboo but I just didn't find this funny at all. There were no jokes that I could see. I know I am being picky but victims are not interviewed in that fashion. It is also very wordy and need severely pruning.

I'm aiming to capture the absurd. Focussing on the current trend to use the word 'Literally' as a way of emphasising a thought.

Placing 'Literally' into a Police Interview - where the police are exasperated by the absence of any actual facts... the humour then comes out.

That was the plan:0)

I love the premise, and giggled at least a couple of times, but it needs pruning by about 50% for me.

Cool! I thought there was something funny about it, it made me giggle too - I will keep pruning:0)

I liked it too vroombo, I saw the picture and laughed. ( a few grammar mistakes - like past where it should be passed and words missing here and there) But I enjoyed it

OMG!! You liked it - at the length it is!! Cool!!

Grammar is my blindness, next to spelling. I'm not dyslexic - but the rest of my family are - so we just never concerned ourselves with proper english - just enough english to be understood.... but thanks for the heads up - I am going back to class to learn proper English.

So glad you got the picture:0)

I got it, but then I got it the last time before. I'm not sure why this is version 0.2? Seems almost identical to your original...? The payoff is a bit more clearly thought out at the end, yes, in case anyone reading your original didn't get the idea --- that she wasn't kidnapped at all but was in a taxi with some guys and had made the whole thing up --- but other than that, what else here qualifies it as a whole new version?

Nothing else to add to my original comments on, well, your original, other than that.

Blooming eck! Chill Out Troll

Was that a rhetorical question? You've managed to answer it yourself. If the concept and story was fundamentally different, the sketch wouldn't be called Literally.... plus you've missed the actual ending... which encourages me to re-write something 'almost identical' with words - changed - that express more effectively the sketch ending, using words... slightly changed....????

>_<

Chill out yourself! Like, literally...
What I meant was, the sketch is basically the same, with a slightly different ending, so why write it all out again, in full, with a slightly changed ending, rather than just edit the one you had posted? When I saw "version 0.2" I assumed it was totally revamped, not a few small changes here and there.

I don't care either way, and I certainly am chilled out, but I just don't see why you now have two posts, pretty much the same, instead of editing the original one.

Anyway, do whatever you like: I'm just giving my comments. Take them for what they are --- there's no hidden agenda (that YOU know of, anyway....!)

I'm new to this site and had assumed posting a new version would pull in new readers/feedback - which it has.

I'm sat near the fridge, the door open and I have the windows wide open - so I am literally chilling out!

The wording of the Detective and Tabatha were changed - so it's more pacey and less flabby (I and a very talented comedy actress played the script and I could see and hear where the improvements were needed). These scribbles all over my hard copy made me feel lots of changes had been made.

I can assure you I re-edit everytime I read my material yet I know not to post every time I change little bits:0)

I understand your frustration - you wanted more or simply different from Tabatha (if you want different from me - have you read SuBo Love Music?). Tabatha as a character has a whole world she can live in for our amusement! Of which I've written quite a bit already.... you want me to post that?

Ah - you love Tabatha and don't want to risk any bad luck caused by a sudden movement that may prevent me from posting the sitcom I've written based on Tabatha and her Betty-noirs?

Laughing with me or against me? Who Cares!! A Laugh is a Laugh:0))

Absolutely. It's a laugh, innit? What is? That sound you make in the back of your throat when you hear something funny. Oh yeah. That's a laugh alright...