Sketch Comp 9.16.1.11 Page 2

A RYANAIR PLANE CRASHES IN THE ANDES. WEEKS LATER RESCUERS FIND A MAN OUTSIDE THE PLANE GNAWING ON A CORPSE'S LEG.

RESCUER*1:
Oh my God. He's turned cannibal.

RESCUER*2:
Quick! Give him something to eat. Poor man must be starving.

RESCUER *1 TAKES OFF HIS BACKPACK AND TAKES OUT A BAR OF CHOCOLATE.

RESCUER *1
Here you go old chap. Have some of this.

SURVIVOR:
(shakes his head) I can't.

RESCUER*1:
He must be worse than I thought. Let's go in the plane and see if there any more survivors.

THE TWO RESCUERS ENTER THE PLANE AND FIND TWENTY, HALF-EATEN CORPSES. THEY HEAD TOWARDS THE GALLEY AND OPEN THE STORAGE CUPBOARDS. THEY FIND AN ASSORTMENT OF SWEET THINGS AND CARRY THEM TO THE SURVIVOR.

RESCUER*1:
Look. These were in the plane. Why didn't you eat them?

SURVIVOR:
I'm on a diet.

INT. BELOW DECK ON NELSON'S SHIP THE VICTORY, SOMEWHERE OFF THE COAST OF SPAIN, 1805.

ADMIRAL LORD NELSON LAYS ON HIS SIDE, CLOSE TO DEATH. HARDY KNEELS BESIDE HIM CRADLING THE GREAT MAN'S HEAD. SENIOR MEMBERS OF THE CREW GATHER ROUND TO HEAR HIS LAST WORDS.

SOUNDS OF SEA BATTLE CAN BE HEARD IN THE DISTANCE.

NELSON (WEARILY) Hardy, I do believe they have done it to me

HARDY I'm here Sir, let me help

NELSON (WITH RESIGNATION) I am afraid there is nothing you can do, I have just a short time to live.

HARDY It has been my honour to serve under you Sir

NELSON And my honour to have served with you at my side (BEAT) my dear Hardy, (BEAT) my dear friend.

HARDY WIPES AWAY A TEAR

NELSON There is just one thing I want you do to for me, before I pass

HARDY What is it sir?

NELSON (STRUGGLING) Kiss me Hardy!

HARDY HAS A THOUGHT AND SMILES (MAKES CONFUSED FACE) (BEAT) (JOKING) You want me to do what to your hard'un?

THE GATHERED CREW MEMBERS TRY TO SUPRESS SNIGGERS

NELSON (WITH SUDDEN ENERGY AND FRUSTRATION) Oh that is typical of you isn't it?

HARDY (APOLOGETIC) I was just trying to make you smile

NELSON (ANGRY) Here I am, moments from death, trying to muster an iconic and fitting moment; and how do you respond?? I'll tell you how, by trying to get a cheap laugh out of making me sound like I'm a gay; which I ain't! Well, thank you SO f**king much!!!

HARDY (APOLOGETIC) I'm sorry I just..

NELSON (ANGRY) Yeah, whatever, that's it now isn't it, my whole life on that!!!?? Well, shove it up your arse

HARDY Um I..

NELSON (WITH RAGE) Oh, F**k the lot of you, f**k this stupid bloody pointless war, and f**k England..(WITH THAT NELSON'S EYES CLOSE AND HIS HEAD LILTS GENTLY TO ONE SIDE)

THERE IS A BRIEF SILENCE.

HARDY BOWS DOWN TO CHECK ON NELSON AND THEN GENTLY LAYS THE DEAD MANS HEAD ON THE FLOOR. HARDY STANDS UP, REMOVES HIS HAT AND HOLDS IT AGAINST HIS CHEST. THE OTHERS FOLLOW WITH THE SAME MARK OF RESPECT.

HARDY TURNS TO THE OTHERS

HARDY(EMBARRASSED) blimey, that was awkward wasn't it?

THE OTHERS NOD IN AGREEMENT AND SHARE A BRIEF EMBARRASSED LAUGH.

HARDY'S EYE BROWS RAISE AS HE HAS A THOUGHT

HARDY Erm, just one thing lads (BEATS) if anyone asks, shall we just tell them he said...

ENDS

TOM AND DAN ARE ON AN UNDERGROUND TUBE CARRIAGE.

TOM: They use coded messages to alert their staff to potential tragedies. A 'Code Red' is for fire...

DAN: Well that makes sense, they don't want to panic anyone.

TOM: And if you ever hear a call for 'Inspector Sands' get the hell out of there. It's a bomb.

DAN: I'll definitely keep an ear out for that one mate.

TANNOY ANNOUNCEMENT: There is a good service on all London Underground lines today.

DAN: What does that mean?

TOM: I've never heard that one before.

THE DOORS BEEP

TOM: (CONT'D) Quick get off!

TOM AND DAN PUSH OTHER PASSENGERS OUT THE WAY, DESPERATE TO GET OFF THE TUBE CARRIAGE. THE DOORS CLOSE, TRAPPING THEM HALF-ON/HALF-OFF. THEIR FACES ARE SQUISHED TOGETHER, THEY WIGGLE FRANTICALLY.

DAN: (TO PASSENGERS) Help! Please, help us!

MOST PASSENGERS IGNORE THEM, SOME GLARE WITH DISDAIN.

TANNOY ANNOUNCEMENT: Due to two stupid bastards, there are severe delays on the District Line.

TOM: Oh thank God, it's all back to normal.

ALEXANDER THE GREAT IS STANDING ATOP A MOUNTAIN WITH TEARS IN HIS EYES.
AS HIS TRUSTED ADVISOR PETER THE PRETTY GOOD APPROACHES

PETER:
My Lord, we yearn to know what troubles you so.

ALEXANDER:
As I survey my Kingdom, reaching as far as the eye can see. I am plagued by the the tragic realisation that there are no longer any more Worlds left to conquer.

PETER: (After a long Pause)
Yeah Well... there's no need to be a baby about it.

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ January 16 2011, 12:37 AM GMT

ALEXANDER THE GREAT IS STANDING ATOP A MOUNTAIN WITH TEARS IN HIS EYES.
AS HIS TRUSTED ADVISOR PETER THE PRETTY GOOD APPROACHES

View original

LIAM is interviewing BARRY. They are in a nice studio with armchairs, a well stocked bookshelf can be seen in the back. A large book sits on a side table beside LIAM.

LIAM
Now Liam what did you think of this.

BARRY
It was simply fantastic in my opinion. It had this very strong theme of the inevitability of sorrow in our lives.

LIAM
Did you not find it a bit depressing.

BARRY
No no not at all. I think the thing about this is whilst it does explore these themes of tragedy and how man hands misery down to man. And I know that might sound so fatalistic, maybe even nihilistic but you won't come out of this feeling depressed in fact it manages to, if anything, renew feelings of optimism and hope.

LIAM
But how does it do this?

BARRY
They use several subtle techniques. I mean you look at some of the lines "Here I lie in a lost and lonely part of town." But its the delivery. Take this "Tragedy. When the feelings gone and you can't go on." The words say, 'depressing mess, I want to kill myself' but the melody says 'nice flares, why don't we dance the night away'.

LIAM
Thanks for that. Unfortunately that's all we have time for but join us next week when we'll be discussing 'Beyonce's Single Ladies: Sum of our times, ironic nostalgia for a past era or erotic dance tune'? Our expert Barry Dictorium will also be dissecting the artistic merit of a lump of chewed bubblegum. Join us then. In the meantime we leave you with an interpretive dance based on the work of Pussycat Dolls. Good night.

Credits start to roll along the bottom of the screen. The camera pans to a man dressed in a short skirt and a bellytop who gyrates furiously. He then gets on his knees and mimes sticking something into his arse he then takes this imaginary object and starts miming sucking on it. The audience applauds and the show ends.

My vote narrowly goes to Alex Mahon's "Diet". It just edged James' "Kiss me hard-on". Loved'em both.

One of the toughest weeks to vote.

My vote goes to Michael Monkhouse.

Cool Mikado for me

I am voting for Michael Monkhouse.

alex mahon

Some great entries this week. It was a genuine toss-up between The Cool Mikado's fantastic farce and Alex Mahon's killer punch: I'm going to go with Alex.

Mr Monkhouse

Closest one for ages. I had about 7 people in the running for this one. Cool Mikado just edges it.

Enjoyed them all but going for Don P Musey