*New* Stand up routine ideas-->

So its January now and all the sales are on. But I'm sorry, DFS, that doesn't count you. When is there not a 'sale' on at DFS?!

There's that advert where they're showing families and how the sofa is central to the household. One scene has a boy running in who has obviously played football and his dad is on the sofa and the boy comes and tells him how it went...and everything's all happy and nice.. Im sorry but if he's that interested why the f**k wasn't he there??!

Wonga. Who has seen that Wonga advert? I think you have to be mentally deficient to use this service. Well I call it a service - its a scam.

Woman: "Well look at this here darling! Says I can borrow up to £1000 in 15 minutes!"
Man: "Oh wow, but whats the interest?"
Woman: "2689%"
Man: "2689? That must be wrong woman. Your probably missing a decimal point. Did you not mean 26 (POINT) 89?"
Woman: "No, have a look yourself..."
Man: *dies*

I was in town the other day wondering why they have the numbers on the BACK of the bus as well as the front?

I suppose its a visual way of saying 'F**k you, you've missed me... I'm going round the corner now. Bye.'

I got my bus after waiting 20 more minutes - And I noticed that all of the regulars have these bus passes that they just flash to the bus driver. Every time they do this the bus driver is not even looking. There's people outside taking off one shoe (do motion) "Here's my bus pass." I saw one old man hold out his dick and pretend it was his bus pass. Although he might have just been ill.

I always wanted to be a bus driver, just so that I could do that thing where its raining, you see someone SPRINTING towards you...you are the last bus of the day... and you stop and wait for them to be SO CLOSE - then begin to speed up... they begin the fast walk (do motion) and you - this is where timing is key - have to have your head turning (to face them) synchronized with the ttttttssssss of the doors closing. That gets you bonus points.

There's been that big mention in the news recently about a big crackdown on stealing music online. I always have this vision of a police officer coming to the door:

"Hi, we have causes to search your home computer."
"Shit is this about...?"
"Stealing music, yes."
"Look I only put those pics of my dick on MySpace as a laugh - music?"
"Yes, music. We have reason to believe that you have been downloading several 'JLS' tracks illegally"

"...Oh, was it the program I used, officer?"
"No, no. We just don't like JLS. As a middle aged man, having 'The Club is Alive' on your iPod is an arrestable offence."

Hi Juan,

I haven't seen the adverts you're referencing, so I can't comment on the material, but you could tighten the wording up considerablly. for example:

'There's that advert where they're showing families and how the sofa is central to the household. One scene has a boy running in who has obviously played football and his dad is on the sofa and the boy comes and tells him how it went...and everything's all happy and nice.. Im sorry but if he's that interested why the f**k wasn't he there??!'

Could be shortened to 'Have you seen the adverts, where the son is telling his father about his football match, it's quite emotional, and we realise that the reason they have such a close bond is becuase their sofa is from DFS... '

With regards the interest rate joke, I think that might be one of those jokes that looks better written down, I'm not sure an audience is going to get the 'point' point. But I may be wrong.

The bus idea is a good one, although I suspect it may have been done before, but I think you make the bus driver even more sinister.

Finally, downloading music.... don't have a 'vision of the police officer' have an actual police officer at the door. And why use "The Club Is Alive"? You could have the cops coming round to arrest you becuase you've been searching for "Beat Again", "One Shot", "Everybody in Love" all much funnier and ambiguous titles.

Good luck with it, let us know how it goes.

Hi Angie,

Thanks for taking the time to offer some feedback!

I have taken all of your points into consideration and agree with you about the JLS stuff and the shortening of the sofa advert thing, although I think you may have misunderstood the interest rates thing was meant to be 26.89 but emphasis on the POINT as in decimal place.

I don't intend to do any stand up just yet I think Id die on my ass!

However I have some other things I was thinking of including...

I found out recently that there's an island near Thailand called 'Phuckit Island'. Have you seen their slogan?

"We weren't going to lose all of our culture and heritage to the evils of tourism... but PHUCKIT, they brought beer!"

People say they go to Thailand for the wonderful culture and the beautiful scenery. F**k off! We all know why you wanna go there!

(cockney accent) "Let's get dave a shemale for his stag night!"

And there will always be that one closet gay who will say something like "Yeah we can all have one each or something and have dares to see who will go he furthest with them!"

(Awkward silence)

I watched this program on Thailand and it was about the supposed extreme fetishes they have out there. Eating shit is one thing, but it shows how f**ked up my mind is - I thought there would be something like a 'life support machine fetish'. Some people are giving me blank looks. Ok I'll explain;

1) You find someone that is dependent on a life support machine
2) You get them either really horny or really f**king drunk
3) You ask them if they're ready and then turn off their life support ranging from 5-15 seconds
4) I wouldn't go over the alloted time cause there are side effects like... death.

The bit I really enjoyed was the bus pass bit. Someone holding a shoe made me giggle on the train and look mental.

Haha glad you liked it nat... I've done that in a public place before I know exactly what you mean