When Blair's biog came out there was a lot of focus on the idea that he took a drop or two of liquor to relieve stress. I pictured it like this.
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BLAIR SONG (To the tune of Bonnie Tyler's 'Total Eclipse of the Heart')
ON STAGE TONY BLAIR IS AT A BAR. SEVERAL BAR TENDERS ARE PRESENT, VARIOUSLY SERVING DRINKS OR WASHING GLASSES. OR SINGING.
BAR TENDERS:
Tony Blair...
TONY BLAIR:
Every now and then I get a little bit stressed out and I need to have a drink as a crutch
BAR TENDERS:
Tony Blair...
TONY BLAIR:
Every now and then I have a sneaky one or two, though it really isn't much, a few beers...
BAR TENDERS:
Tony Blair...
TONY BLAIR:
Every now and then I'd get a little bit nervous cos the public didn't cheer for the war
BAR TENDERS:
Tony Blair...
TONY BLAIR:
Every now and then I found decisions much easier once I'd knocked back a few Piat D'Ors
BAR TENDERS:
Another round, red eyes?
TONY BLAIR:
Every now and then I'm off my cart
BAR TENDERS:
Another round, red eyes?
TONY BLAIR:
You know it's hard to stop me when I start
BAR TENDERS:
One more round...
TONY BLAIR:
Every now and then I'd have a little bit of sherry and I didn't mean my wife
BAR TENDERS:
One more round...
TONY BLAIR:
Every now and then I made some pissed-up decisions, putting every soldier's life on the line
BAR TENDERS:
One more round...
TONY BLAIR:
Every now and then there were people getting angry saying Tony we can't take this no more
BAR TENDERS:
One more round...
TONY BLAIR:
I really wasn't listening, far too busy working out it's so much quicker getting drunk through a straw
BAR TENDERS:
One more round, red eyes?
TONY BLAIR:
Every now and then I'm on the lash
BAR TENDERS:
One more round, red eyes?
TONY BLAIR:
Every now and then I wind up smashed
I don't really give a f**k
Any drink will suit this binger
Though the sight of Robin Cook
Put me right off Scotch and ginger
As long as you're mixing it right
I'll try cocktails of anything
I know we made it to the end in Iraq
Being drunk I'm not quite sure though why it was we attacked
Don't know what I was doing, I keep drinking to forget
I think it must 've worked cos I'm the best Prime Min'ster yet!
I really need a new a pint
A shandy doesn't have the bite
Need something that'll make me tight
Once upon a time the public fell for my charms
But then it started falling apart
There was nothing I could do
I was totally pissed as a fart.
Once upon a time there was juice in my glass
But now I drink it neat from the start
Nothing I can say
I'm totally pissed as a fart
BAR TENDERS:
One more round, red eyes
One more round red eyes
Tony Blair...
TONY BLAIR:
I remember when I got a dossier of evidence but it was really vague
BAR TENDERS:
Tony Blair...
TONY BLAIR:
I remember when I made the choice to got war through the haze of a few Jaeger bombs
BAR TENDERS:
Tony Blair...
TONY BLAIR:
I remember when I used to get to number ten - that's when the first nine drinks would make me feel ill
BAR TENDERS:
Tony Blair...
TONY BLAIR:
Every now and then I have to have a few more chasers just to help me forget all those killed
BAR TENDERS:
One more round, red eyes?
TONY BLAIR:
If you mean a drink then yes I will
BAR TENDERS:
One more round, red eyes?
TONY BLAIR:
JP Morgan Chase will pay the bill
I think you'll like my book
It tells tales of labour loyalties
And how we ran amok
Through the nineties and the noughties
Shit! I must have been totally f**ked!
Cos I've given up all my royalties
Once I make it to the end of the wine
I'm knocking back the brandies two or three at a time
I don't know what I'm doing, I'm always on the sauce
I'm making up for Dubya cos he's teetotal of course
I really need a new pint
A vodka or a glass of white
Whatever gets me pissed tonight
Once upon a time the public fell for my charms
But then it started falling apart
There was nothing I could do
I was totally pissed as a fart.
Once upon a time the sun shone out of my arse
Now the future's looking quite dark
Don't go blaming me
I was totally pissed as a fart
END