Something is missing?

Hey guys needing some wisdom from you. I have bit of a script but I can't think what to add in for this little bit here. It's good but I think something is missing. Can anyone maybe see whats missing?

So does anyone here go to the gym? Ye I thought not. I gave up too like most of you all. The gym really for getting fit now is it? I find the gym is more for posers. Any gym is full of the twats.To be perfectly honest I would rather not pay 20 quid to look at myself in a mirror. I do it at home instead. We all do it though don't we. Come on be honest lads how many times to you get up in the morning and go "looking good big man".

Or you women who stand to yourself and look at your lady humps. And then when your hands reach your arse you always give it that little slap...HERE IS WHATS MISSING.

There is something missing at the end of it but can't figure it out.

huh?

Quote: Griff @ January 6 2011, 10:08 PM GMT

An apology.

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I think he's saying it's a bit sexist and out of date.

Darren, dude, you're only 16! Why are you writing the material of a 40 year old man from the mid-nineties? Write about your life.

I am...that's the point.

Actuall that raises a good point. How many 16 year olds go to the gym? That's a more original concept for material.

It doesn't feel fresh

c'mon I can vaguely remember being 16 and worrying about my looks in the gym wasn't a biggy

It doesn't feel fresh

c'mon I can vaguely remember being 16 and worrying about my looks in the gym wasn't a biggy

Quote: Nat Wicks @ January 6 2011, 10:37 PM GMT

Darren, dude, you're only 16! Why are you writing the material of a 40 year old man from the mid-nineties? Write about your life.

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Darren,

Have you ever seen the comedy film Weird Science?

Two 16 year old boys make a woman by 'weird science' and she takes them to a club where one of them tries to be something he isn't . Not a good quality copy but here it is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FkdHC0hyLaU

Listen to what Nat says about writing what you know. You need a believable comedy journey that the audience can imagine you taking.

Keep going though. I really admire a 16 year old giving it a go.

Quote: Will Cam @ January 6 2011, 11:59 PM GMT

I really admire a 16 year old giving it a go.

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How many times have I said that in my life?

The last time you chaired a boy scouts meeting?

How about you start the routine with your parents having given you one month's Gym membership as a Christmas gift? (That's like when they gave you a library book for your birthday.) Then you write your gym routine from the point of view of a 16 year old fish out of water.
Good luck

Nice idea Buddy.

Here's a few free ideas for you Darren to use/modify or just plain ignore (if you become famous you can thank me in your memoirs!.

"So I'm walking into the changing room with 6 other men on the gym induction course and I am a little bit nervous . We all start getting dressed and I'm thinking, this is actually alright, it's just like getting ready for school PE (except Mr 'Peado' Peterson wasn't there (do actions) rubbing his hands and licking his lips).

It was going really well and I'd just got down to my undies when a naked bloke came out of the shower area and picked up his towel. Now I'd never really believed in instinct but, before you could say (spoken quickly)'what's the worst thing that can happen if you totally misjudge a situation with adults you have only just met', I (do actions in slow motion)grabbed my Power Rangers towel (mock spin it in slow motion whilst doing Kung-foo face) and (very fast action) flicked him in the nuts.

Now I don't know if you've ever seen a naked 76 year old go down like a sack of spuds?... It was like a bit like Dobby being kicked over by Lucius Malfoy.

Harry Potter and the Gurning Septuagenarian I thought....well, screamed.......very loudly.....or so the Police report said.

On the plus side...it was an ideal opportunity to bond with my new gym friends in the tried and tested St Joseph's School tradition. Imagine my surprise, after diving on top of the horizontal Hobbit, that my cry of 'Pile-on' fell on deaf ears... leaving me somewhat embarrassed.

Stop expanding on my ideas and taking credit for them ou guyses *grump*

Or take the "naive sex-obsessed virgin 16 year old" route.

i.e. the gym membership you received from your parents is gold in your hand as you've "heard" that gyms are full of fit sexy women.

Surely that's the first thing a 16 year old would think of.

But when you get there, it's full of sweaty middle-aged blokes with beer guts.

More fat than **insert punch here**

Actually, the naive sex-obsessed virgin 16 year old approach could be the angle you're looking for in your act.
So much comic potential.

Thanks guys you have all given me a better idea of what I am doing. Thanks very much.