THE NURSERY
A MAN (GARY) WALKS INTO A NURSERY WITH A SMALL BOY (ODJ). BOTH ARE LOOKING ROUGH AND THE MAN IS MORE OR LESS DRAGGING THE CHILD INTO THE ENTRANCE.
GARY: Hi there, I'm here with my son, I phoned up earlier and they said to come down and book him in?
HELEN: Hello, my name is Helen. Can I ask his name?
GARY: Yeh, its 'ODJ'.
HELEN: I'm sorry?
GARY: Like 'odge'.
HELEN: Ok, hello Odj! (PEERING OVER THE DESK AT THE SMALL BOY) How do you spell your name?
GARY: O - D - J.
ODJ: (FRANTICALLY) IT HAS A SILENT ZED!
GARY: (RAISING HIS EYEBROWS) ...with a silent zed.
HELEN: Is that...at the beginning?
ODJ: THE END! (HE THEN MOANS LOUDLY)
HELEN: Ok, I see. Is that 'Oliver James'? (LOOKING AT THE COMPUTER)
ODJ: (ANGRILY) ODJ!! (HE THEN PUNCHES HIS DAD)
GARY: What did I tell you about hitting? I'll give you one twice as hard you little f**ker!
HELEN: (QUICKLY BUT NERVOUSLY STANDING UP) Ok, let's show you around!
THE THREE THEN MOVE INTO THE PLAYROOM WITH LOTS OF CHILDREN IN IT. THERE IS LOTS OF NOISE AND SHOUTING AND LAUGHING.
HELEN: So this is where 'Odjz' would spend most of his time. There are lots of games to play and things to do. The children at the moment are playing dress up.
ODJ SUDDENLY GRABS ONE OF HELEN'S BREASTS AND GARY SLAPS HIS HAND.
GARY: ODJ! What have I told you about touching people's body parts!
HELEN: (QUICKLY, STILL SHOCKED) It's fine, honestly...
GARY: No, Im sorry, its not. I have told him before. Look Odj, you can't go around grabbing people's boobs like that:
HE THEN GRABS ONE OF HELEN'S BREASTS SIMILAR TO ODJ. HELEN STANDS STILL, SHOCKED.
GARY: You see? Because people don't like it. Especially if you do it firmly!
GARY THEN SQUEEZES THE BREAST AND HELEN MOVES BACK.
GARY: Sorry, love but he has to learn. (TURNING TO ODJ) If you're going to do it, do it nicely like this:
HE THEN GROPES HER ONCE AGAIN BUT MORE INTIMATELY. HELEN SLAPS HIS HAND,SORTS HER HAIR OUT AND BRUSHES HERSELF DOWN.
GARY: Sorry. But he's a little f**ker and he'll do it to everyone he sees.
ODJ: BUT I LIKE BOOBIES!
GARY: Well you can't have hers! Now go over there and play with something!
ODJ SULKS AWAY AND GARY TURNS TO HELEN.
GARY: Really sorry about that.
HELEN: Its fine...
A SCREAM IS HEARD. ODJ IS MOST LIKELY THE CULPRIT.
GARY: (IGNORING THE SCREAM) I keep telling him, you know... the sooner he's 16 the better - I'll get 'im implants and he can feel all he wants.
HELEN IS SHELL SHOCKED ONCE AGAIN.
END.
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CHRISTMAS AT THE PEACOCK'S
THOMAS PEACOCK IS ASLEEP IN BED. HE SLOWLY WAKES UP AND SEES HIS DAD AT HIS SIDE. HE SITS BOLT UPRIGHT.
Thomas: Dad?!
Dad: Son.
Thomas: (TAKEN ABACK) ...What do you want? Why are you so close?
Dad: Couldn't wait. I want to give you your first present.
Thomas: Oh yeah?
Dad: (HANDING HIM A BOX SHAPED GIFT WRAPPED IN GOLDEN PAPER) Now, this has been in the peacock family for many generations. And its time you had it son.
Thomas: What is it?
Dad: Why do you think I wrapped it you silly twit? ...Tell you what. Have a guess and I'll tell you if you're right.
Thomas: Ok... err...a ring? (HIS EYES LIGHT UP)
Dad: Nope.
Thomas: (BEAT) Erm... a watch?
Dad: No, nothing like that.
Thomas: A necklace?
Dad: I said nothing like that you soft git!
Thomas: Oh I don't know! Can I open it?
Dad: Go ahead!
HE UNWRAPS THE GIFT SLOWLY AND REVEALS A DUSTY OLD WHISKY BOX.
Thomas: WHISKY? THANKS DAD!
Dad: No, no. Have a look inside.
THOMAS OPENS THE BOX SLOWLY, REVEALING AN OLD, MANKY, GRIMY SOCK.
Thomas: A sock? (THOMAS GOES TO TRY IT ON)
Dad: NO DON'T WEAR IT!
Thomas: Thank God, I was gonna say. Its filthy! ...WELL WHAT DO I DO WITH IT?
Dad: Read the instructions on the back.
Thomas: (READING THE BIRO THAT IS SCRIBBLED ON THE SOCK) "Its time young man you were to learn, where to put your wasted... sperm?" - What the...?
Dad: That, m'boy is the 'Peacock Wank Sock'. Generations before you have all used it.
THOMAS THROWS THE SOCK TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM IN DISGUST. HE DOES NOT SAY A WORD AND IS SHOCKED BEYOND BELIEF.
Dad: I'll leave the room and you can 'ave a go!
THE DOOR SLAMS AND THOMAS SITS BOLT UPRIGHT, AWAKING FROM HIS DREAM. HE IS PANTING HEAVILY AND SWEATING. HE SITS THERE STILL FOR A MOMENT.
Thomas: THANK FUCK! (TO HIMSELF) Its Christmas!
HE RUNS DOWNSTAIRS AND FINDS HIS FAMILY IN THE KITCHEN ALL EATING BREAKFAST. DAD IS AT THE TABLE AND HIS MUM IS COOKING BREAKFAST.
Mum: (TURNING ROUND) MERRY CHRISTMAS DEAR! (SHE LOOKS CLOSELY AT HIM) Are you alright? Look a bit flustered!
Thomas: No, I'm fine, just a weird dream.
Dad: (LOOKING UP FROM THE PAPER) Oh yeah? What about son?
THOMAS SHUDDERS LOOKING AT HIS DAD.
Thomas: Nothing... just a ... present... I got -
Mum: Not the wank sock?
Thomas: What?!
Dad: Did I give him that already? I can't remember... Mind you I bet he's been wanking for a couple of years now. I see him trying to hide his boner at the table!
THEY BOTH LAUGH. THOMAS STEPS BACK SLOWLY AND SUDDENLY THERE IS A FLASH AS THOMAS WAKES UP AGAIN AND SITS BOLT UPRIGHT.
END (Ish)
