CONTAINS EXPLICIT LANGUAGE FROM THE START
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Davie is a small but overweight plumber who has several tatoos running up his thick arms. He is a serious hard-working man who enjoys the 'odd pint' but when it comes to work he does not mess around. Much...
Davie and his apprentice Lee are pulling up in the transit van outside a house on a street comprised of just terraced houses.
Davie: Right. This is Mrs.McBride's house.
Lee: Alright.
Davie: Got a missing valve underneath the bath you've got to look at. And a few other things need tidying up. And I want you to do a good job for this woman, Lee.
Lee: Oh aye? Got a decent pair of tits has she?
Davie: ...Dirty bastard. She's 86!
Lee: F**k me. Why do you want me to do it then?
Davie: Because you haven't experienced anything like whats in store. Anyway I've got to do Mrs.Milner's down at 33, so im only round the corner. And she DOES have a fine pair of tits.
Lee: Not ones that sag down to the ankles...?
LEE GETS OUT OF THE VAN AND SLAMS THE DOOR. HE GOES ROUND THE BACK OF THE VAN AND GETS A TOOLBOX AND SOME PIPING AND SHUTS THE DOORS.
Davie: (unwinding the window) See ya in the Duke later on!
LEE GULPS AND THEN MARCHES TOWARDS THE DOOR AND THE VAN DRIVES AWAY.
KNOCK KNOCK
A SLOW SHADOW APPEARS ON THE GLASS OF THE DOOR. A LATCH IS UNLOCKED AND THEN THE DOOR OPENS VERY SLOWLY. A HUNCHED WOMAN IS REVEALED WEARING NOTHING BUT A DRESSING GOWN.
McBride: Dirty bastard.
Lee: Im sorry?
McBride: I've already told them I want a different milkman after what happened last week. Back to grope me again are ya?
A WOMAN COMES FROM BEHIND MRS MCBRIDE AND PULLS HER BACK.
Mary: Hi, you must be Lee? Ignore my mum!
Lee: Yeah, er.. hi. I'm here to replace the piping.
McBride: DIRTY BASTARD!
Mary: Mum, will you give it a rest!
McBride: Tell them we don't want any f**king milk!
LEE LOOKS SHOCKED
Mary: Its not the milkman, its the plumber!
McBride: And how do you know that? He could just be dressed up! Out cougar hunting or whatever these young lads are into!
Mary: C'mon mum, I don't think he wants to have sex with ya...
MARY TURNS TO LEE
Mary: do you?
Lee: What? No... of course not? I mean... well.. no?
Mary: Well you best come in then, toilet is upstairs first on the right.
Lee: Thanks.
LEE SHIMMEYS PAST THE TWO WOMEN AND MRS.MCBRIDE AND IS HALFWAY UP THE STAIRS.
Mary: (shouting) Do you want a cup of tea?
Lee: Yes please Mary!
MARY GOES INTO THE KITCHEN AND MRS MCBRIDE IS SAT NEXT TO MR MCBRIDE WHO IS AN ELDERLY MAN READING THE PAPER.
Mr McBride: He wants your fanny!
Mary: Oh give over.
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LEE IS IN THE BATHROOM UNDERNEATH THE BATH FIXING A VALVE. HE HAS A HEADTORCH ON. HE IS COMPLETELY HIDDEN WHILE IS UNDERNEATH THE BATH.
THE DOOR SLAMS AND IS LOCKED. WE THEN HEAR THE SOUND OF THE TOILET LID GOING UP.
LEE STOPS INSTANTLY AND PEERS OUT FROM A GAP. HE SEES A PAIR OF LEGS AND SUDDENLY A DRESSING GOWN DROPS TO THE FLOOR.
Lee: (to himself) ...f**king hell.
WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A WOMAN SITTING ON THE TOILET. THIS IS FOLLOWED BY A LOUD FARTING NOISE AND SOME GRUNTING. WE THEN SEE LEE'S FACE AS THE SMELL BECOMES APPARANT. HE IS STRUGGLING TO HOLD HIS BREATH. WE HEAR SOME MORE GRUNTING. LEE CLOSES HIS EYES TIGHTLY.
HE THEN STRUGGLES FOR BREATH AND ACCIDENTALLY INHALES LOUDLY. HE THEN REALISES THAT HIS LEG IS STICKING OUT. HE HESITATES BUT PUTS HIS FACE IN THE GAP AND CATCHES EYES WITH THE OLD WOMAN WHO HAS BEEN STARING AT THIS POINT FOR A WHILE.
Lee: F**k.
THE WOMAN IS STANDING THERE FULLY NAKED.
Mrs.McBride: DIRTY FUCKING BASTARD!
Lee: Its not what it -
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