The Stiffest Upper Lip - TV Show
Similar to 'Scrapheap Challenge' and 'It's a knock-out'.
A bright and bubbly presenter shouts into the camera.
Presenter - Who has the Stiffest Upper Lip? We're here to find out.
Us Brits are famous for our stoicism. No matter the Peril, we stand
proud, our chins in the air! No more so, than the noble men and women
behind me! These teams will be battling it out to find out.... What British people have, "The Stiffest Upper Lip!" Captains, introduce your team!
5 teams of men and women. All looking calm and neutral. One by one
the Captains come forward. Devoid of emotion they tell us the
profession their team of 4 people are in.
Captain 1 - Surgeons
C2 - Broadcast Engineers
C3 - Air Traffic Controllers
C4 - Nurses
C5 - Sellafield Nuclear Physicists
Presenter - Fantastic, so the first task is for the teams to
buuuuuuild a raft! Team that builds a floating raft the quickest,
earns £10,000!! But watch out - any team showing anything less than a
stiff upper lip is disqualified. You heard it! Teams ready? Go!!
We see the teams busy at their tasks. All getting on building rafts
on the banks of a river.
Presenter Voice Over - These people are paid the big bucks because in
a crisis - these are the ones we can rely on.
All teams beaver away. Cool and calculating. One nurse spots a
Broadcast Engineer she fancies. Camera zooms in on her.
Voice Over of Presenter - Is that a blush I see, "Amour". A sneaky
enemy of the professional!
We get close-ups of all the teams. They are cool, quick, busy,
getting jobs done.
The Broadcast engineers are focussed. Then one of the Engineers turns
his back to his team, checking his Blackberry. Two other Broadcast
Engineers, behind his back begin whispering, their heads close
together.
Voice Over of Presenter - Back stabbing and gossip - it brought down
Julius Ceasur, classical cause for a wobbly lip, bye-bye Roman Empire,
bye bye Broadcast Engineers? We'll have to wait and see.
Cut to Presenter stood excited.
Presenter - Everyone stop!! Nurses have their Raft floating!!.
£10,000 is won by them. Let's go to our very own Stiff Upper Lip
Scientists for the results..Hello, what can you tell me about our
pragmatic teams?
The Scientist is wearing a white lab coat, he sits infront of a
computer.
Scientist - Hello Casandra, Well on each of their heads, they are
wearing probe hats.
Casandra - I wondered what those bobbly swimming caps were for - Ha ha!
Scientist - We don't monitor increase in heart rate or body
temparture, to detect a lack of 'stiff upper lip'. Both those
physical reactions are expected during strenuous tasks.
What these probe hats will detect is erratic electrical activity over
a broad area of the brain, with frequent touches in the frontal lobe
where emotion plays a major part.
Casandra - nice, so in a nutshell, their nutshells Ha Ha! Who actually lost their stiff lips during that last round?
Scientists - According to these readings, the Broadcast Engineers and
Nurses.
Casandra - Ah yes - Love and Gossip, common bed-fellow af any failed
enterprise. Round of applause for those teams.
The Broadcast Engineers and nurses pull pretend sad faces, but actually remain
pragmatic. They move over to a canapé table.
Casandra (Presenter) - 2nd Round, Teams using our shiny inflated
rafts. Which I made earlier ha ha. Teams this is a simple race. You
must paddle upstream. That's it. The first to arrive at the winning
line, pockets £10,000! Get ready, Go!
3 Teams begin, fast, cool, determined.
At the winning line we can see a hole has been dug. While the teams are paddling, TV staff put an angry Pitball Dog in the hole. The teams see this and keep cool, they continue to paddle to the finish line.
Then a bag of young kittens is emptied onto the edge of the hole.
The dog barks. The blind kittens wobble around, dangerously on the
edge of this hole, with the dog inside.
Two Surgeons back stiffen, they paddle harder. A kitten nearly falls
into the hole. A surgeon throws his paddle into the boat, removes his
life vest, dives into water and swims hard to the river bank. When he
arrives he scoops up all the kittens, protecting them.
Casandra Voice Over - Ah! Cute - wow I don't need to ask our
Scientists who lost stiffness there! Ha Ha. Aaaah! But so cute!! Oh and now the Surgeons raft reaches the bank first. So the Surgeons may of lost the
battle, but not this round. They've won £10,000!
We look at the Scientist, he nods a yes and mouths 'Surgeons lost'.
Casandra pulls a mocking sad face..
Casandra turns directly to camera.
Casandra - 3rd Round, Head to head. Captains, take your seats
opposite each other. We have Toni an Air Traffic Controller verses
Alan a Sellafield Nuclear Physicists. Let's see - Who has 'The
Stiffest English Lip?" Sudden death, first to wobble - loses.
Both contestants stare at each other, carm and considered.
Presenter Voice Over - ah, here comes Toni's boyfriend, blindfolded
and semi naked. This is Tricia, Alan's Wife, same rough treatment.
Any reaction in our team Captains Mr Scientist?
Scientist - Nope, cool, reflective responses.
Presenter V/O- Argh, accompanying your partners are my soon-to-be-boyfriends - I wish - ha ha, Mr Mega Man and his brother Butch. Nice Speedos boys! They're armed with Tazers grrr. Watch them let rip.
Both of the Captain's loved ones are tazered and fall to the floor in agony (a tazer is a gun that emits an electrical charge that hurts and momentarily paralyses victim. No long term effects to victim - used in USA by female cops dealing with large drunk men)
Presenter V/O - Alan is looking tense. Ha! But Toni actually looks bored? Scientists, what does your system tell us?
Scientist V/O - just a moment, just getting confirmation... yes Alan,
the Sellafield Nuclear Physicists lost his stiff lip, his wife buckling on the ground has broken him, shame!
Presenter in shot - FANTASTIC! Congratulations Toni, The Air Traffic Controllers are the winners. £50,000 will be donated to your
selected charity.
Toni looks polite and pragmatic. Her boyfriend stays on the ground, he's crying. Her team shake hands.
Presenter - But Toni, gamble? Double it? You just need to last 10
minutes with our 'Lip Wobbler' tests? Can you do it?
She nods and agrees. Toni is sat on a platform. A spot light is on
her.
Presenter - Start the Clock, 10 minutes starts now.
The presenter reads phrases, stood next to Scientists. The Scientists
computer shows readouts from Toni's Probe Hat.
Presenter - Are you ready Toni? Sure you don't want a toilet break?
Don't start crying on us?
We see a small peak on the computer, Toni looks puzzled. The presenter and Scientist look at each other knowingly. The countdown clock is in the corner of the screen.
Presenter - Ok Toni, would you like a cup of tea.
Toni - I just drink coffee.
Presenter - The coffee machine has broken.
We see another peak on the computer. The presenter and Scientist look
at each other knowingly.
Presenter - The coffee machine has broken,
We see a slightly bigger peak on the computer. The presenter and Scientist look at each other knowingly.
Presenter - Yes sorry its not worked all day. It broke last week.
We see a bigger peak on the computer, but still it's not a big enough
change. The presenter and Scientist look at each other knowingly.
Presenter - I broke the coffee machine last week. I'm such a such a
silly billy Ha Ha ha:0) I knew you people were coming but I couldn't be bothered to fix it... I'm such a girly, lazy girly girl.
Toni looks like she can kill.
The Computer shows mass eruption in Toni's brain.
Presenter - Ah!! Loser!!
Toni rips bobble hat off and storms towards Casandra, her team following Toni.
Casandra: Only kidding, coffee is served haa ha!
Camera pans to see Toni's boyfriend wrapped in a blanket sipping a coffee nervously. Toni and her team smile and tut!
Casandra turns to camera: Wasn't that fun! Well join us next time to see, who has the STIFFEST UPPER LIPS!!