Skit Comp 31-12 - 6.1.11!!!

Hoorah for a year of sketch compers, and meanwhile congratulations to ANGIEBABY and - Lord - myself for winning this time!
My hopes for the New Year are world peace, an end to famine, and a quickie with Cameron Diaz. Meanwhile...

Votes - Points - Name

2 - 10 - Angiebaby, Michael Monkhouse
1 - 5 - Don P Musey, Alex Mahon

Your new subject: HOME
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sex or inside leg measurement, except the kid who used to beat me up at school.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 6.1.11

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

166! - Mr Sunshine
147 - Otterfox
133 - Cool Mikado
130 - Michael Monkhouse
125 - Kasm
122 - Nigel Kelly
112 - Jebsly
108 - Frankie Rage
104 - Timbo
103 - Charley Rance
98 - Fred Peters
80 - Angiebaby
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
55 - Scratchyr, Gerry McDonnell
44 - Alex Mahon
37 - Afinkawan
32 - Ishy
32 - Swerytd, Paul Watson
28 - Leevil
26 - David Chapman
25 - Craig H
23 - Roscoff
22 - Don P Musey, Blobster
21 - Mikey J
20 - Bushbaby, James Harris, Kevin Murphy, Dannyjb1, Niteowl, Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Nil Putters, Cinnamon, Dale
14 - Reg N
12 - Stephen Birch, Geoff Mutton, Badge, Will Cam
11 - Steven
10 - Stephen Goodlad, Robo, Nitram Skir, Socrates, Tom Campbell, Tommy Power, Waring
09 - ajp29, ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - The Giggle-O, James, garyd, Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil, Hellboy, Wayne Lewis, John Kelly, Andrew Lynch
05 - Karlos the Great, Drew, Pedros, Summer G, Mannikin Bird, Tumble, Greggles, Happy Shopper, Timothy Marshal-Nichols, Rob B
04 - Andy W, losaavedra
02 - Stu R, Imamazed, Slack Bladder, Paul Nash, Boits, Gavin
01 - Macca, Ming The Mirthless, Minty, Shpadoinkle, Shaggy292, amillionpounds, Jake How, David Bussell, Charisma, Skibbington von Skubber, Ginger Jesus, Nick Rivers, Daddy Maz, Martin Bickle, Batman, Ray Dawson, Marion, Tooting Jo

Any ballsups, PM me please.

Here's mine (I'm very, very sorry):

INT. CORRIDOR. DAY.

Dave the producer is walking along with Sean.

Dave: It's good to have you back, Sean. The world of radio advertisement has not been the same without you.

Sean: Thanks, Davo. I appreciato it.

Dave: Sorry, did you just say, 'approciato'?

Sean: Dammit! I knew this was too soon! It's the accident, man. It's my mouth muscles. They spasm when I try to prononuco the silent e at the end of a word, man. I'm a failiuro! A failiuro!

Dave grabs Sean by the shoulders.

Dave: No, Sean. No. You can do this. It's psychosomatic. It's all in your mind. You've got to be get back on the horse, man.

Sean: On the horso?

Dave: Yeah, man. You've got to do it. I believe in you, man.

Sean: Then, yes, I will do it. I will advertiso like I'vo never advertised beforo!

Cut to:

INT. RADIO STUDIO. DAY.

Sean is at the microphone.

Sean: Is your homo too small? Is your homo filling up with junk? Do you long for a bigger, smarter homo? Well, you can have that homo now! Apply for a homo loan today, from A1 Homo Credit. Terms and conditions apply. You could lose your homo if you don't keep up payments.

Cut to Dave in the studio.

Dave: Yeah. That's not going to work.

Can you update my name in the leader boards? I used to be Chris Forshaw but changed my name for anonymity reasons. So, erm, forget you read this.

Cheers

INT. HALL - DAY

Some letters fall onto the door mat. A girl picks them up and looks through them. She stops on one letter that's addressed differently.

GIRL
Hey Mum! There's a letter for next door here.

MUM
Don't open it then.

She rifles through the letters more, checks that her Mum isn't coming, and then opens the letter. It's a fancy holographic slab which starts to speak.

LETTER
The deactivation code for the North Korean nukes is KIMRULEZ. I hope you receive this message in time. You're the western world's last hope.

The letter self-destructs.

MUM
What was that then?

GIRL
Erm, nothing.

The four minute warning sounds in the distance.

Consider it dung Jebsly. Meanwhile...

FLAT RATE

OFFICE.
A filthy old BLOKE sits in front of a young DUDE...

BLOKE (jumps) Whaddaya want?

DUDE It's about the flat you're renting.

BLOKE Huh?

DUDE How many rooms has it?

BLOKE Uh? I mean, one. I counted... It's kinda open plan. Well not so much plan, more just open.

DUDE (laughs) There is a roof?

BLOKE You don't want much do you?

DUDE No roof... Shower?

BLOKE When it rains, yes.

DUDE Cooker?

BLOKE We prefer raw meat.

DUDE Lighting?

BLOKE Solar.

DUDE TV connection?

BLOKE In my day we'd find our own entertainment. Mrs Cocksmith'd bounce up and down on one leg singing 'Pooh' until she collapsed and they took her away.

DUDE Any conveniences at all?

BLOKE It's such a strange expression, 'conveniences.' What's convenient about dumping in the bog-house?

DUDE There is a toilet...

BLOKE Sink. You're a student, what's the difference?

DUDE Well how much is it?

BLOKE Three thousand quid an hour. Plus overheads.

DUDE It's hardly worth that...

BLOKE I know but I'm feeling generous. I like your face. (leans over to caress him)

DUDE (getting up) Sorry mate, no deal.

BLOKE There's Wi-Fi.

DUDE Why didn't you say so?

They shake hands.

HOMEWARD BOUND

LINDA -
Oh God, I'm sorry Andy, she'll have to go.

ANDY -
Now what?

LINDA -
I can't get her away from the computer and her room's a pigsty.

ANDY -
Sounds like the average teenager.

LINDA -
Yes, but she's 83! She'll have to go into a home.

ANDY -
Oh Linda, that's a bit harsh. The kids love having her here.

LINDA -
I think the novelty is wearing off. She keeps beating Connor at Mariokart.

ANDY -
He'll just have to practise more.

LINDA -
And she's got more friends on Facebook than Gemma. The poor child's getting a complex!

ANDY -
Gemma's only 11. She's too young for Facebook anyway.

LINDA -
Well it was your flipping mother who invited her on!

ANDY -
At least she's out of your hair when she's on the computer.

LINDA -
She'd be even more out of my hair if she went off to bingo like normal old ladies.

ENTER CONNOR AND GEMMA.

ANDY -
Oh, hello you two.

CONNOR AND GEMMA -
Hi Dad.

ANDY -
You like having Granma here living with us, don't you?

CONNOR -
Yeah, s'pose so.

GEMMA -
She's alright.

ANDY -
See, they love having her here. Good kids.

LINDA -
Hmmmf!

ANDY -
Oh Connor, I was looking for my old Hornby train-set, you haven't been playing with it, have you?

CONNOR -
No........Granma sold it on E-Bay.

ANDY -
What? E-Bay? My old Hornby train-set?

CONNOR NODS HIS HEAD.

ANDY -
No. Where's the Yellow Pages? She's going in a home!

DINING ROOM

WIFE

I can't be arsed going out to dinner.

HUSBAND

Me neither, let's stay home.

WIFE

Do you think we can get a couple of meals delivered?

HUSBAND

I'll ask 'em, they can serve it up for us too.

WIFE

Yes, seeing that it's New Year's eve.

CUT TO WAITER SERVING UP THEIR DINNERS

WIFE/HUSBAND
YAWN

You couldn't eat it for us too, could you?

1. INT HOUSE. TWO MEN ARE DRINKING SOME HOME BREW

BOB:
This is amazing Stan. Did you make this yourself?

STAN:
Yup. From some parsnips I grew in the back garden.

BOB:
It's lovely. Just like the Good Life eh?

STAN:
Well, not quite. It's pretty hard going sometimes. Take my bed for instance.

BOB:
You made that?

STAN:
Sure did. I used some wood from an old coffin an undertaker friend of mine passed me.

BOB:
Grief. What about the mattress?

STAN:
Used some old shirts I found in a skip stuffed with my own body hair. Took me two years to get a decent nights sleep.

BOB (sounding a bit more apprehensive):
I bet you don't read anything scary at night lying in that thing.

STAN:
I don't read much in the evening at all Bob. The only light in the house is from these candles I make from my own earwax. Unless I've had a recent head cold, I'm asleep by nine.

BOB:
I see what you mean about hard going. I'm too fond of my home comforts. (beat) What's this by the way? Why have you stuffed some liver into a thermos flask?

STAN: (laughing)
Oh sorry Bob, how rude of me. Please, meet the wife.

I went home for Christmas for the first time in a while. I watched a lot of films I liked as a kid. You know how when you watch a film from your childhood, it seems like there have been extra scenes added? Ones with sexual innuendo, or more adult scenes, like the rape scene during Robin Hood Prince of Thieves. Obviously they have always been there, but just went over your head before. That's how I feel about my parents' racism.

Dr Watson:
I was thinking Holmes...If only your name didn't have an L in it, then you could very well be the subject of...

Sherlock Holmes:
A lame entry my Dear Watson?

REALTOR walking through hall of a home. JAMES and MILDRED follow behind her.

REALTOR
This is the hall, notice the lovely bloodstains on the walls.

There are hand prints of blood and it says 'F**k' 'Hail Satan' and 'Anne Widdecombe' in blood on the wall. JAMES inspects the wall.

JAMES
Oh, that is excellent work.

As MILDRED sees the words 'Anne Widdecombe' she shudders.
They all walk through to the kitchen.

REALTOR
Just through here is the kitchen. You can really get the fresh baby smell.

Reveal baby in oven. REALTOR points JAMES and MILDRED towards the back window to the garden.

REALTOR
And you can see it looks onto a very spacious back garden. There may even be a few bodies buried back there, but I'll say no more.

JAMES and MILDRED look at each other.

JAMES & MILDRED
Ooh.

MILDRED
And is that dog shit on the window.

REALTOR
It sure is.

JAMES
It that just outside or--

REALTOR
Its inside and outside.

MILDRED
Oh James, I love it. Let's buy.

JAMES
Just one question. The neighbours?

REALTOR
Well, on your right there's the Henderson's, very nice family of murderers and rapists. They actually killed the former owners.

MILDRED
Should keep us on our toes then, eh?

REALTOR
On your left there's this couple, Fred and Jane, both are..

REALTOR hesitates. JAMES and MILDRED look on expectantly.

REALTOR
..primary school teachers.

JAMES and MILDRED look disappointed.

JAMES
Oh really? Are they at least into paedophilia at all?

REALTOR
No, unfortunately.

MILDRED
Necrophilia?

REALTOR
No, sorry. This used to be a nice Satanist community but recently a lot of these 'types' have been moving in.

JAMES
Well, its a shame, with those neighbours it'd just be too wholesome for us here.

MILDRED
(Sighs) I suppose its back to Manchester.

(Sorry to Italians everywhere for the lousy accent.)

GEPPETTO IS IN HIS WORKSHOP HAMMERING NAILS INTO A WOODEN BOX. PINOCHIO ENTERS.

PINOCCHIO:
Whatta ya doin' with thatta old toolbox'?

GEPPETTO:
I'm a building you a home.

PINOCCHIO STARES AT THE WOODEN BOX IN DISBELIEF.

PINOCCHIO:
But I've gotta home here witha you.

GEPPETTO:
But thissa will make you more independent. You can take da women home instead of rubbing da pecker against da bedpost. I can'ta sleep for da noise.

PINOCCHIO:
(angry) A bloody toolbox. She'd have to be bloody small. Whatta kinda girlfriend did you have in mind?

GEPPETTO HANDS HIM A PIECE OF SAWN-OFF BEDPOST.

GEPPETTO:
Here.

PINOCCHIO:
It's only a piece of wood.

GEPPETTO:
So was ya mother until I hadda my way with her.

FATHER(JIM) EXPLAINING THE RULES OF THE HOUSE TO HIS 16 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER(SAM).

JIM:
Right, as you know your mother has been called away on an important business meeting this weekend and I have my golfing trip so you're going to have the house to yourself this weekend. You know the rules. No parties, no boys and no destroying the place!

HE REVERSES OUT THE DRIVEWAY JUST THEN A YOUNG SKATEBOARDER CUTS RIGHT ACROSS HIM CAUSING JIM TO BREAK SUDDENLY.

JIM:
(Shouting out the window) Oi! Stop skating around on that board thing! It's not natural!!...(mutters) idiot.

JIM ARRIVES AT THE CLUBHOUSE AND SPOTS THE OWNER.

JIM:
Hi, I'm Jim Ryan. I'm part of the Smith party. We have a golfing extravaganza booked this weekend.

OWNER:
Oh, has no-one told you? It has been called off due to the death of a swan.

JIM:
What?

OWNER:
Yes. All golfing trips have been called off. We are currently at the height of swan-dying season and it can be very dangerous to play at this time of the year what with all the nests they have here on golf courses, they also seem to be attracted to golf balls.

The swans, they can fall out in front of you, fall on top of you, knock you into a lake, beat you around the head with their wings. It's more dangerous than playing in a lightening storm.

JIM:
Are you serious?

OWNER:
I'm afraid so. Look we can put you up for the night if you like. Just don't leave your balls lying around.

NEXT MORNING 9AM. JIM ARRIVES HOME TO SEE BOTTLES OF BEER AND A PIZZA BOX LYING AROUND. HE GOES INTO HIS DAUGHTERS ROOM AND IS SHOCKED TO SEE THE SKATEBOARDER IN BED BESIDE HER.

JIM:
(Angrily) Sam! Sam!! Get out of bed, Now! You're in serious trouble young lady. You! (pointing at skateboarder) Get out! NOW!!

JIM TAKES SAM BY THE ARM AND PUTS HER INTO A DIFFERENT BEDROOM.

JIM:
Stay there until I tell you to come out.

JIM WALKS BACK INTO SAMS BEDROOM AND HE SEES THAT SKATEBOARDER HAS ROLLED BACK FOR A 2ND SLEEP.

JIM:
(shocked) What?!! Oi! Shithead! Get out now before I throw you out the bloody window!

SKATEBOARDER IS COMPLETELY SHOCKED AND RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM. JIM GOES BACK TO THE ROOM WHERE SAM IS.

JIM:
I'll be back to deal with you in a few minutes.

JIM WALKS DOWN THE STAIRS MUTTERING DISGRUNTLEDLY TO HIMSELF.

JIM:
Unbelievable....what a bollox of a situation...if I ever...

HE STOPS SUDDENLY AS HE IS ASTOUNDED TO SEE SKATEBOARDER SITTING AT THE TABLE EATING A BOWL OF CORNFLAKES.

JIM:
(Increduously) GET OUT!!! JESUS CHRIST! Wheres my 5 iron...

HE GRABS THE GOLF CLUB AND RUNS FOR SKATEBOARDER. SKATEBOARDER FLEES OUT THE DOOR AND JIM RUNS AFTER HIM. WE SEE SKATEBOARDER SPRINTING DOWN THE ROAD.

JIM DROPS A GOLFBALL TO THE GROUND AND HITS IT IN THE DIRECTION OF SKATEBOARDER. WE WATCH THE BOY RUNNING FOR A COUPLE OF SECONDS AND WE SEE THE BALL HIT HIM ON THE HEAD. HE GIVES A LITTLE WHIMPER AND CLUMSILY FALLS TO THE GROUND.

JIM:
Yesss!!

JIM BREATHES A DEEP SIGH AS HE COMES TO TERMS WITH ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED. HE STARTS PUTTING A BALL AROUND ON A SMALL GREEN HE HAS ON HIS FRONT LAWN. HE STARTS GETTING A LITTLE TOO INTO IT AND BEGINS A RUNNING COMMENTARY...

JIM:
Last day of the open... Jim Ryan is a shot up on Woods and Harrington... plucked from obscurity...He was 10 shots behind but 5 hole-in-ones in 1 round... has to be the best round of golf in the history of the world if not the universe... putting for birdie to become open champion...He does it! He does it we have a new cham-

HE IS FLATTENED BY A SWAN.

END.

INT: HALLWAY IN A SUBURBAN HOUSE, A MAN (GEOFFREY) ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.

GEOFFREY: Hi Honey, I'm home!

HE NOTICES A SMALL TUXEDO AND A DOG LEAD LYING ON THE FLOOR. HE PICKS THEM UP.

GEOFFREY: (CONTD) Not again!

WE HEAR GIGGLING FROM UPSTAIRS, GEOFFREY RUSHES INTO THE BEDROOM.

HIS WIFE SUSAN IS HAVING INTERCOURSE WITH A DWARF (WALTER).

GEOFFREY: (TO SUSAN) So all the time I thought you were wasting money on stupid outfits for the dog, you've actually been shagging a dwarf?

WALTER: (TO SUSAN) That was your dogs tuxedo?

SUSAN: I couldn't help myself, you looked so cute.

EXT. STREET - DAY

DETECTIVE CHIEF INSPECTOR ARSARELBO AND HIS FAITHFUL ASSISTANT SERGEANT PIGGS ARE FOLLOWING A SUSPECTED TERRORIST. THEY ENTER A SUPERMARKET.

ARSARELBO:
We've got him cornered now, let's take him down.

PIGGS:
We have no proof of any crime Sir.

ARSARELBO:
Are you mad Piggs, you told me he had explosives in his coat?

PIGGS:
No Sir, I said it was a bomber jacket.

ARSARELBO:
I see. Let's hold back here for a while, and observe.

ARSARELBO FLICKS THROUGH A MAGAZINE

ARSARELBO:
I don't believe it. It says here that five thousand people die each year as a result of eating raw chicken.

ARSARELBO LOOKS OVER AT A WOMAN PACKING HER SHOPPING INTO CARRIER BAGS. ONE ITEM IS A FROZEN CHICKEN.

ARSARELBO:
Let's take this bitch down.

ARSARELBO AND PIGGS FOLLOW THE WOMAN OUT OF THE SUPERMARKET TO HER HOME.

ARSARELBO KNOCKS THE WOMAN'S DOOR. THE WOMAN ANSWERS.

ARSARELBO:
Morning Ma'am. I'm Detective Chief Inspector Arsarelbo, and this is Sergeant Piggs. We have a few questions, may we come in?

WOMAN:
Of course.

ARSARELBO AND PIGGS ENTER THE FRONT ROOM

WOMAN:
Can I see some ID?

ARSARELBO:
Here's my badge.

ARSARELBO HANDS THE WOMAN A SMALL CHELSEA BADGE.

WOMAN:
Are you a Blues fan?

ARSARELBO:
Well I like BB King, but let's get down to business. We know about the frozen chicken.

A LOOK OF SHOCK APPEARS ON THE WOMAN'S FACE

ARSARELBO:
Pass me that shopping bag Ma'am; I want to see what other murderous tools you've been stockpiling.

ARSARELBO GOES TO GRAB THE WOMAN'S SHOPPING BAG, BUT THE WOMAN TRIES TO STOP HIM, FORCING A BOX OF CORN FLAKES TO HIT THE FLOOR AND SPLIT

ARSARELBO:
I knew it, you're a cereal killer.

PIGGS:
We've got you bang to rights love; it's time to spill the beans.

A TIN OF BEANS NOW FALLS FROM THE SHOPPING BAG.

ARSARELBO GRABS THE BAG AND BEGINS TO EMPTY ITS CONTENTS

ARSARELBO:
Lettuce. Croutons. Parmesan Cheese. This is a seizure salad!

WOMAN:
It's all true. If the salad didn't kill my husband, I was going to poison him by undercooking the chicken.

PIGGS:
That's just half-baked.

WOMAN:
I had to do something, he's evil.

ARSARELBO:
The only thing evil here is you; we're going to make sure that you spend the rest of your life behind...

ARARELBO NOTICES THE WOMAN'S WEDDING PHOTOS ON THE WALL. THE HUSBAND IS FRANKIE BOYLE.

ARSARELBO GLANCES OVER AT PIGGS: PIGGS NODS

ARSARELBO:
We're going to let you off with a warning.

EXT. BIRD'S NEST. - DAY

A female bird (JENNY) is sitting in a nest. A male bird (MARTIN) lands in the nest carrying a bag in his beak.

JENNY:
Where the hell have you been, Martin? You said you'd be fifteen minutes, It's been an hour!

MARTIN:
Yeah well it turns I fly differently to a crow. Still I' m home now eh?

JENNY:
Yes I suppose...well you'd better get used to it now we're married, about to start a family

MARTIN:
So soon? I'm just not ready yet, Jenny. The thought of all those gaping mouths wanting to be fed. It's enough to make me sick.

JENNY:
Well we can talk about it later. Now, what did you get for our little nest?

MARTIN:
Aha, you're going to like this.

MARTIN pulls an oval plaque from the bag.

MARTIN (CONT'D):
It's a plaque. For the front of the nest. It says " Bird's Eye View " It goes on the wall.

JENNY:
It's nice love, but we don't have a wall do we? Any walls. it's a nest.

MARTIN:
Ok yeah. Right as always dear. What about this then?

MARTIN pulls out a metal hook from the bag.

MARTIN (CONT'D):
We could put it in the hallway. Hang our keys on it, so they don't get lost.

JENNY:
Lovely, but again, no hallway. Nest.

MARTIN:
Right.

JENNY:
And no front door means no keys.

MARTIN:
Gotcha. No Hallway. Right.

JENNY:
And no front door.

MARTIN:
No door. Check.

MARTIN pulls out a doormat from his bag.

MARTIN:
Shall I throw this away then?

JENNY nods.

JENNY:
Sorry love.

MARTIN throws the doormat away.

MARTIN:
Still....At least we've got a roof over our head eh?

END.