EXT. A SEAWALL. DAY.
TWO GULLS ARE HAVING A CONVERSATION.
Gull 1
Who's the most famous person you've ever shat on?
Gull 2
Eh?
Gull 1
I said who's the most famous person you've ever shat on?
Gull 2
Oh I once shat on Rick Stein when I was on holiday in Cornwall. They say he owns most of Padstow you know? I love Cornwall. You?
Gull 1
Never liked Cornwall much. Very rocky. Too many puffins.
Gull 2
No, I mean who's the most famous person you've ever shat on?
Gull 1
Nobody really. I nearly got Bobby Davro once. He did a show in Margate a couple of years ago. Missed him by a whisker. My great
great grandfather once shat on Queen Victoria. Got her right on the crown. It went eveywhere it was so runny. She was not amused!
Gull 2
It's too many chips that does that.
Gull 1
Do what?
Gull 2
Make it runny.
Gull 1
Oh yeah. I'll tell you one person that I'd really like to shit on- Chris Eubank.
Right on his monicle if I could; or splash a runny one in his mouth. I tried to get him once in Brighton.
Gull 2
I once knew a pigeon that shat on Tony Blair. Got him on the shoulder while he was at the cenotaph one Sunday in November. He was disabled. He fell asleep perched on some scaffolding one frosty night. He took off in the morning and left a foot behind. After that he used to walk like Hitler. He went right down hill mind you. He used to hang around Macdonalds with the winos, hoping to eat a bit of quarter pounder that some-one might throw away. Sad really.
Gull 1
Hey look, the Salvation Army band are setting up in the bandstand. Fancy some chips?
Gull 2
Hehe...bandits at four o'clock.
THEY FLY OFF
